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Well, as I write this, I am eating a salad, I am part of a Bggest Loser contest with some other Mommys, I am doing more exercises these days, the scale has shown a recent loss and I feel a little better about things lately.  I feel like I am restricted.....let's put it this way, I wouldn't want to be any tighter.  I do have troubles eating almost daily but I am improving in regards to my choices.  With good choices, I make some bad choices too.  I have been loving ice cream lately and crunchy cookies go down pretty easily.  I need to rid my Dunkin' Donut daily coffee cuz with it comes a Boston Kreme donut.   I have found that if i eat is slow enough, I can get all or most of it down.  Losing weight is going to continue to be a huge struggle for me regardless if I have a band or not.   I do not regret the band decision even though I have not had the best results. 

Well, my 1st year anniversary is around the bend.  I don't feel much differently than my last blog entry from March so I don't have very much to say.  I do have a couple of updates.   I had a wonderful trip to Aruba.  I do wish I was thinner for my bathing suit and shorts/short sleeves.....well that is water under the bridge now.  I had an appt with my surgeon April 9th, after my vacation and I gained 2lbs from my previous weight.  He finally did a 1cc fill.  I don't understand what the hold up was all along.  For the last several fills (actually all of them minus my very first one) were all 0.5cc fills.  I feel he just was dragging this fill thing out.  There was no good reason to keeping those fills to 0.5cc except I would be in his office twice as many times getting to restriction... cha ching...  I believe it to be true since I've lived it.  I felt that all along.  I put a lot of trust into my surgeon and I'm not sure that he was truely working in my best behalf.  The good news is, I feel nice and tight and I think I am on the road to weight loss now.  One thing I noticed is I am truely hungry all of the time.  My stomach is constantly growling.  Not sure if that is the response to finally eating less than usual or some other sort of response.  I do have the urge to snack, snack, snack because of that.  I want to also state that I don't get any feeling of fullness when eating.  Sometimes I feel "stuck" after something small or after just a few bites of something.  Sometimes I am able to eat more normal and just stop because I know I should.  I seem to "slime" or get stuck daily and it is very annoying.  I am getting better at unstucking myself but it is not always predictable.  I am beginning to completely avoid my sticky foods... bready stuff mostly but dry chicken or turkey would be examples of others.  Things that go smoothly for me are cereals,  salads, soups, cookies and ice cream (love the last 2).  Well see how things turn out!!!  I am exercising but not as much as I should.  I think I've lost 2-3 pounds in the last 2-3 weeks.  I will try to remember to post on my actual anniversary. 

3-6-09.  I just found my measurements from April 2008 and I'd like to post my current ones to compare......
bust then 48" and now 46.5"
waist then 43" and now 40.5"
hips then 50" and now 47.5"
thigh then 28" and now 26.5"
calf then 16" and now 15.5"
upper arm then 16" and now 15.5"
forearm then 12" and now 11"
neck then 15" and now 14.5"

Also, I'd like to add that I bought smaller bras and my breasts look much better now.  And lastly, at work I went from the XXL scrubs to XL and overall I feel less frumpy in them.  NSV's count!!!!!!
 

3-6-09.  Yesterday I had another 0.5cc fill.  I am not sure how many fills that I've had at this point but he told me that this made 3cc in my 10cc band.   I have put off having a fill recently.  Things are very hectic near the holidays and then my daughter's birthday is in January.  Really they are just excuses, I think, cuz the appt doesn't take that long.  I weighed exactly the same as I did before.  He definately showed dissapointment on his face.  I am sort of embarrassed by it all but it is what it is and I am hoping these next couple of fills will do the trick.  Yesterday I joined my local YMCA for exercise.  That really was a big step for me.  I knew it is something that I really needed to eventually do but being a single mom poses many difficulties (cost of membership, childcare issues, very limited schedule).  The Surgeon was pleased to hear that exercise will be in my future. OK, the saddest things about me right now are: 1. I have not lost my goal weight for my Aruba trip.  I wanted to be 200lbs by March 29th.  I do believe that it was a very attainable goal when I first set the goal but definately not now.  I am super dissapointed because I wanted to look better and feel better for this exotic trip.  It's going to be a rare occasion that I can take a trip like this.  I just wanted to feel better about myself.  2. My sciatica is still pretty bad.  I am pretty convinced that I've thrown my body out of alignment by now from all of this limping and I'm pretty sure I look foolish as well.  Well, again, I don't want to commit to physical therapy.  It will be like 1-2appts/week for 2-4months.  I'm just not in the mood and I don't have the time. I keep hoping it will resolve on it's own but it hasn't.  Perhaps with a new stretching and exercise regime it will be go away!?  My current thoughts about this surgery.... well, had I had excellent results I would feel so pleased and positive.  I would be sharing it with the world and encouraging other to do it.  BUT... I haven't seen results FROM THE BAND yet so I have mixed feelings.  I have lost 25lbs for and immediately post-op.  It is 25lbs I know I wouldn't have lost or at least kept off without it.  Then I think.....I underwent all those tests and procedures and a major operation, and I live with a silicone choker around my stomach which causes daily discomfort and inconvenience.....for what? 25lbs? Was it worth it?  I am currently hoping that good restriction is right around the corner, regular exercise will be the new norm, proper eating will be my new lifestyle........then weightloss will be inevitable.  Why am I failing?  I have said this before..... I am expecting the band to pull more of it's share.  I am NOT dieting.  I am NOT watching what I eat. BOTTOM LINE.  I am not exercising and drinking water like I should either.  It's almost like I am trying to stay fat.  Maybe subconsciously I am.  Perhaps I should see a psychiatrist.  Oh, no....not another appt!!  No time for that.

12-5-08.  Well, the following day from my last entry, I got stuck in the middle of the night.  I set my alarm for 1am and woke up from a sound sleep to shut off my crock pot.  I was cooking a pot roast and all the fixings.  So, I decided to taste it.  In terms of volume, I ate approximately a bathroom dixie cup size of food. I got so stuck that I thought I may need to go to the ER.  I slimed and vomitted and felt stuck for 5 1/2 hrs.  I couldn't wait for my surgeons office to open so that he could completely unfill me.  Finally one last good vomit did it.  It was a more powerful vomit and the stuff even came out of my nose.  There was gastric content and immediately I knew that I was finally unstuck.  This was the most terrifying event for me (in terms of the band).  I was thinking, what if this happened at work (however thankfully I work in a hospital that deals with bands but I have responsibilities as a nurse that I just cannot go running off to get unstuck)? or an aquaintance's house (someone that didn't know)? or on a nice vacation in a remote location like an island or cruiseship? or driving home from somewhere/anywhere that was a distance away?  I kept sliming and sliming that my mouth was so scratchy dry and my body was so very weak from the emotional and physical aspects of this ordeal.  I think I was getting dehydrated.  When I was unstuck I immediately drank lots of gatorade and water and remained on liquids for the remainder of the day.  Since that day, I have not had any troubles.  What do I think happened?  I think that it was the meat and that maybe I didn't chew well enough and I didn't wash it down with anything that would help with the dryness of pot roast.  Did I eat the pot roast since?  You bet ya and it was delish.  I just  was more aware of the chewing part and I had some liquids with it.   Yesterday I had my 4th fill of another 0.5cc.  He does go rather slow.  I only have 2cc of a 10cc band.  I ought to reach restriction by my 1yr mark at this rate.  At the same time, I did put some fills off a bit, and going slowly has actually allowed me to psychologically/emotionally catch up.  Since that bad incident, I really have been watching what/how I eat and have not had any troubles to speak of.  Did I tell my surgeon?  Heck no, I was too embarrassed.  He can read it here on my entry.  Hello, Dr. Sandor!

11-20-08.  I wanted to write at least once per month but time really flies I guess and I skipped my October entry.  There really isn't much to update.  I moved up my 3rd full appt again because I kept having troubles getting stuck.  I just simply could not see getting any tighter.  The biggest update that I have is that on my yearly physical with my PCP last month, I was the lowest documented weight since surgery.   Then halloween came.  Candy and chocolate are my downfalls and they go down so nicely for a bandster.  Let's just say that I lost control of myself for a couple weeks.  On 11-13-08, I finally had my 3rd fill of another 0.5cc and I was up 6lbs from my yearly physical weight but I stayed exactly the same by the surgeon's scale from my previous visit. I was so disappointed in myself for not showing my surgeon my lowest weight but there is always next time.  So, yes I finally had that fill last week because I was getting stuck much less and also because I was constantly hungry.  So far so good and I think I am going to continue with my 4th fill in 2weeks.  I actually don't feel any differently at this point.  I am getting better at picking the foods that won't get stuck, also I am chewing more effectively.  My motivation has been in the trash recently.  I haven't really worked on my personal goals list from 2months ago.  How can I be disappointed with my weightloss at this point?  The Band is NOT failing me.....I am failing the Band.    I think I am relying too heavily on the band right now and not using it as a tool which it is intended.  Hopefully, by truely comprehending this, I will be more complient with diet and exercise.  NSV's.....well, I am down one full size from last fall/winter.  Size 22 last year and Size 20 this year.  I have donated pants and shirts that I no longer ever wanted to see fit me ever again.  I also got rid of my pregnant and fat winter coat.  I was so happy to see that go!  I haven't bought any new clothing yet.  The funny thing is, about 3 years ago, I bought some size 20 clothing because I promised myself that I would get into them "right after the new year"  but that never happened.  As for a winter coat, I can manage getting into the ones that I used before I got pregnant so I am all set now and very excited.  I don't want to buy anything new until next spring/summer when I am much thinner (I hope).

9-30-08.  Over the past 5 weeks I have been trying to adjust to my new "stomach".  I feel some restriction now.  Although I don't believe that I have reached my "sweet spot", things are most definately looking like I will be there soon.  Sincy my last fill, I have been dealing with foods that I have troubles with.  I have had several episodes in which food goes down painfully slow and some episodes in which they actually get stuck.  The first time I got stuck, I was worried.  After "sliming" for a 1/2hr straight, I called my surgeon's office.  I was disappointed to how they dealt with my situation and me.  I will not go into details but it continues to concern me a little.  It did manage to work itself out after another 1/2hr of "sliming" and now I know just what it is and how to deal with it myself.  I have made some improvements with my meal choices since last writing.  Although I have been working hard lately, there is still plenty of room for improvement.  I am working on the following currently... 1. Adequate amounts of protein daily (because of issues I will discuss in a bit)  2. A more balanced meal.  I don't want to eliminate fruits and veggies from my diet but sometimes there is not enough room for them 3. Hydration.  Sometimes I don't drink enough water.  4. Minimizing junk.  Sweets continue to be troublesome for me.  I do snack still and I love my cookies, cakes, candy and ice cream.  If only I could eliminate them, I would be 20lbs llighter.  5. Increasing activity. I have beein trying to take advantage of the fall weather and do some walking which has been helpful.  I need to keep it up. 6. Following the basic Lap Band rules.  I want to avoid getting stuck.  It's not fun!!!  Anyhow, This experience has been such a learning process for me.  I thought it would be easier than it has proven to be.  Anyway, I pushed back my next appt with my surgeon because I wanted to better deal with the food adjustment from my 2nd fill.  My appt with him for my 3rd fill is Oct 9th.  I do think that I lost about 3more pounds making it approx 30lbs loss since the start of this adventure.  I need to lose 20-30lbs more by mid March as I am going to Aruba and want to be at least my pre-pregnancy weight.      OK, here it is.... I have not spoken about this before because it baffles me a bit but since approx. mid-to-late July, I started to notice that my hair was falling out.  I know that this is a sign of weight loss and low protein etc but my weight loss has been pretty much nill since surgery.  I lost 15lbs before my 5/29 surgery and 10lbs immediately after.   So, from mid June until even now, I have had no additional weightloss to really speak of.  It's only been recent that my food choices really have changed due to some restriction and I thought I was eating adequately all along(but maybe I wasn't and now I cannot really remember).  The only thing that I could think of is, I did stop taking vitamins about that time(mid-to-late July) and resumed them only a couple weeks ago.  Just simply ran out and kept forgetting to buy more.  Not sure if my body reacted to this weightloss 2months after the fact, if I did have a time in which my protein intake was inadequate, or was it the lack of vitamins?  Anyhow, I got a short haircut, eat lots of protien now, and I remember to take my vitamins .  I think it's improving but hard to tell with the shorter hair.  OK... there has been some NSV's since I lost some weight....people notice, clothing getting loose and baggy, more energy....but there has been another one recently.  Last summer, my daughter(then 2) wanted me to go in one of those McDonalds climbing tubular structures with her.  When inside, I could hardly move.  In fact, with all my power and might, I could not physically do it.  2 weeks ago, in the same McDonald's structure, I was able to do it.  It wasn't easy but I did it and we went down the slide together.  This was a victorious moment for me, I couldn't stop smiling. 

8-22-08  I had my 2nd fill yesterday but first I'd like to update what's been happening over the last month.  Since my first fill, I barely noticed that it was done.  I  must admit that  I was disappointed only 2days afterwards because I could still eat just about what I felt like (and since then I pretty much did).  I realize that I am not trying all that I should with my choices or even following the Band Rules but I is hard waiting for restriction to happen(even minimally) and like my title says.....If I could diet on my own, I wouldn't be here!  So, yesterday the scale showed that I had gained 1.5lbs.  I was thinking victoriously that it wasn't 5 or 10lbs you see but I got the feeling that the office was disappointed.  The secretary was asking me if I was eating ice cream or if I had walked to the appointment like I previously had.  She acted surprised when I said that I could still devour a DD bagel with cream cheese for breakfast.  Still she asked if it was the low fat version cream cheese.  I happily answered no that it was not.!  Little did she know that I always eat it with a large iced coffee with cream and sugar......yes, the real sugar!  I thought I was being patient in waiting for restriction to happen and really I have been until yesterday.  I was hoping that maybe my surgeon would speed it up and maybe instill 2cc but to my surprise, he said with my type of 10cc band the recomended fills are 0.5cc at a time now until restriction.  He doesn't think I will need many more fills to get there but I am not so sure.  I feel like I am looking at 3more months to get there.  I already know that  yesterday's fill is not doing the trick either.  There may be a small noticable difference but I need a few more meals to actually decide.  Meanwhile, I need to wait 3more weeks until my next fill.  I guess this is the bandster's hell that everyone talks about.    My meal choices aren't always bad, I have recently focused on chewing my bites of food for longer periods of times, I am thinking of protein consumption more than ever now......so I am not all that noncompliant.  And it is not everyday that I have bagels for crying out loud! 

7-27-08  On the 25th I had my first fill.  My surgeon asked if a medical student could join us but I had my daughter and it was my first fill so I said no to it this time.  The huber needed used to do the fill is huge and long.  I was a bit nervous, I must admit.   It ended up only being a tiny pinch, he found the port quickly, pulled back clear fluid and added 1cc.  It went smoothly.  I was very scared to weigh in.  I lost a 1/2 pound from my last appt at that office.  I grabbed it because I haven't dieted or exercised what feels like forever now.  I did have a little restriction since my surgery but I could still eat a Friendly's cheeseburger with a sundae to follow (skipping most of  the fries).  It's only been 2days since this fill and I can't tell if I am more restricted or not at this point.  I will get another fill in a month.  I don't feel much motivation right now.  I am having such difficulty with my left leg.  I think it is sciatica and was hoping it would go away on it's own.  I am starting to think that that I need some medical attention to it.  I can hardly get through my daily routines with it, never mind exercise.  As for food, I am eating some higher calorie items but maybe not the volume as before.  That is probably why I didn't gain any weight.  I'd like to be able to show my surgeon that I am going to be successful.  I am hoping for a weightloss of 5lbs in one month's time.  I also need to look into my left leg pain.  

6-27-08.  Yesterday I finally weighed myself(it's been about 2weeks) and I admit, I was afraid.  I can eat almost anything but just not in my usual volume.  I have been trying to eat healthier but sometimes sweets get in the way.  I had stopped exercising since the surgery.  I gave up the shakes to eat instead.  I was afraid that I was going to gain but I lost one more pound.  My left knee pain has returned with a vengence (the left knee pain that I thought was completely resolved at time of surgery).  I wondered if the knee pain was due to lack of exercise so I started back to walking .  I will be able to tell in a couple weeks.  It's probably arthritis though.  I have had my first taste of what it might be like to "get stuck".  I have felt it about 6 times now and all within the last week.  If I am eating a dry sandwich or chicken breast I have sometimes gotten a feeling that the food gets stuck or travels at snail speed.  I then need to sip something, take a few deep breaths and open my chest a bit to help it down.  I proceed to burp and choke until it moves.  I can then usually finish my meal.  Like I said, it's just a taste of what's to come.  Right now, I cannot wait until my first fill (july 25, exactly 4 weeks).  It will help me to get back on track.  I want to lose weight but just can't seem to do it on my own right now.   I had set a goal to lose 10lbs by then but so far have lost only one.  I don't think I can lose 9lbs in 4weeks.  especially with my vacation coming up.