Procrastination is my middle name.

Mar 05, 2009

3-6-09.  Yesterday I had another 0.5cc fill.  I am not sure how many fills that I've had at this point but he told me that this made 3cc in my 10cc band.   I have put off having a fill recently.  Things are very hectic near the holidays and then my daughter's birthday is in January.  Really they are just excuses, I think, cuz the appt doesn't take that long.  I weighed exactly the same as I did before.  He definately showed dissapointment on his face.  I am sort of embarrassed by it all but it is what it is and I am hoping these next couple of fills will do the trick.  Yesterday I joined my local YMCA for exercise.  That really was a big step for me.  I knew it is something that I really needed to eventually do but being a single mom poses many difficulties (cost of membership, childcare issues, very limited schedule).  The Surgeon was pleased to hear that exercise will be in my future. OK, the saddest things about me right now are: 1. I have not lost my goal weight for my Aruba trip.  I wanted to be 200lbs by March 29th.  I do believe that it was a very attainable goal when I first set the goal but definately not now.  I am super dissapointed because I wanted to look better and feel better for this exotic trip.  It's going to be a rare occasion that I can take a trip like this.  I just wanted to feel better about myself.  2. My sciatica is still pretty bad.  I am pretty convinced that I've thrown my body out of alignment by now from all of this limping and I'm pretty sure I look foolish as well.  Well, again, I don't want to commit to physical therapy.  It will be like 1-2appts/week for 2-4months.  I'm just not in the mood and I don't have the time. I keep hoping it will resolve on it's own but it hasn't.  Perhaps with a new stretching and exercise regime it will be go away!?  My current thoughts about this surgery.... well, had I had excellent results I would feel so pleased and positive.  I would be sharing it with the world and encouraging other to do it.  BUT... I haven't seen results FROM THE BAND yet so I have mixed feelings.  I have lost 25lbs for and immediately post-op.  It is 25lbs I know I wouldn't have lost or at least kept off without it.  Then I think.....I underwent all those tests and procedures and a major operation, and I live with a silicone choker around my stomach which causes daily discomfort and inconvenience.....for what? 25lbs? Was it worth it?  I am currently hoping that good restriction is right around the corner, regular exercise will be the new norm, proper eating will be my new lifestyle........then weightloss will be inevitable.  Why am I failing?  I have said this before..... I am expecting the band to pull more of it's share.  I am NOT dieting.  I am NOT watching what I eat. BOTTOM LINE.  I am not exercising and drinking water like I should either.  It's almost like I am trying to stay fat.  Maybe subconsciously I am.  Perhaps I should see a psychiatrist.  Oh, no....not another appt!!  No time for that.

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