Gretchen Goodword

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Today i got my pre op date.  I was surprised becouse it is a saturday.
I keep thinking about being smaller and for some reason Im going through the I wont get their. Im going to die befor it happens...lolol

But I am a little more patient becouse I have dates and times now.

not much more patient.....lol

Well I am de breading and sodaing.......its hard.

Im am more happy then I have been in a long time. Now im exsaughsted...lol

I cant wait.

Now it seems really real to me.....after almost 3 years of trying to get this darn thing....its finally here.

I was at work when I got hte news....and i was so soon.

I screamed and ran around the department..( REALLY NOT OUT OF THE NORM FOR ME)  But....lol I was very very happy....

This has been the single most best thing that has happend to me since   I got ride of my HUSBAND!!!! ....yeeeeeeeeeeeew hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

not sure what date it is yet. she left a message that she had it scheduled  so i will find out tomarrow my DATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.......

O MYYYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I have been so impatient that I dont know what to do with myself...now...hahahahahhaha

I was on a pitty party yesterday.....

Sorry if I was a Debbie downer to anyone.
Ok so i am waiting patientily for my date to arrive....


IM SO EXSITED!!

I Am so surprised that  I Have quite smoking and have no desire for a cigrt.  I know If i even take one puff from someones cig it would be over for me. i think about it but its not a craving anymore its a i could use a cig to do somthing with my hands at this momment type of thing. Also iv noticed my triggers. When i really enjoyed smoking. Seems your body dosnt forget that very easily. So i tryed to stay away from those triggers as much as possible. 
All know is i never thought in 23 years that i was capable of quiting it was my only comfort still was and i think im trying to replace it with food right now. i have gained 15 of the 25 pounds of pre weight loss i have had.  Iv never really had problems doing anything if i set my mind to it. its the long haul that i have the problem with. I can't keep it up. 

I get discouraged and just give up on whatever becouse i just want some happiness and honestly i was comforted and happy if you want to say when i smoked and felt some instant gradification from the cigs.  And when you go a long time without feeling that you tend to give in to the temptation becouse you need that "IM SATISFIED" feeling when in reality you never will be. Then you start smoking fulll on and you feel guilty about it and then you beat yourself up most of the time for it. Just like eating. You eat it and then beat yourself up for it  for the rest of the day.
Thus never feeling happy.
I could have ate somthing this morning and hated myself all day for it in return my kids dont understand why I am so cut off. They are so supportive to me and I can't really tell them what I'm feeling they are too young and its not their battle. So i suffer in silence and hate myself on a min to min basis.  I always feel like I have to let the other person know that i know they know i am fat...........so i have to say somthing like
"Yea my fat butt"  I know i look like a cow" somthing to let them know that i know what they are thinking. Then they say.....oh but your not fat  your just thick.....or Oh you look so beautiful just the size you are.!!!! OK YOU LIERSSSSSS!!!! i know im fat I know its not beauitul to be 5'2 and over 120 pounds over weight.....I KNOW THIS! So stop lieing to me or telling me i need to work on my self esteem......HELLLLLOooo! I don't trust people who tell me that im not fat...INSTANTLY!!!.....they will say your not fat Jodi.....I know they are untrustworthy...hahahah dont ask me why....I guess becouse i am so honest about everything its hard for me to understand people just arnt that bold and to the point dsnt make them dishonest. they are just none confrontational.   But I would never ask them their opionion about anything becouse they will not give me the real. They will give me whatever feels good to them or me.
I dont want the good i want the TRUTH!!. 
Ok ....I'm really negative in my life right now......I need to vent it somewhere and I will use this too do that. I am actually a funny down to earth person but IM SO SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED AND FAT!.

Wow Im really glad I found this site.  People are very friendly and helpful. I really appreciate it.

I have tryed everything....lol