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okay so im now...15 months out in a few days. and i weighed myself  at 155... i was 152 3 weeks ago.. SHOULD I BE WORRIED?... this is why i never brought a scale into my home.. i would weigh myself twice a day knowing me..
but i bought size 6 jeans from a higher end place(for many reasons)I dont wear them alot.. but i put them on today and now i dont remember if i had the little pouf above my belly button when i stand or not when i bought them.. they come to right below my bellybutton.. so it kinda sticks out if i wear a tighter shirt..
 
god i hope im not regaining weight.. that would suck because im not at goal yet(135 with possible regain at 145?)
excess skin is also getting in the way..literally..
i went to by a new bra.. had to have a fitting because i was clueless.. so it turns out id be wearing a 34..or 32 if i didnt have all the jiggly bits... so im wearing a 38..which seems to mess up the way the whole damn bra works/wears...plus the boobs..wait lets not get started on boobs...


also is this what the belly "pouf" is.. excess.. the BF says it is..but hes a man..haha also i see the skin in my inner theighs drooping downward a bit towards the knees... im not liking this a bit because ive become very fond of the way skirts look on me now..


all in all i nkow im drop dead sexy compared to before and the bf tells me all the time that im beatuiful and sexy etc...and it feels great.. so whats a few pounds????


  can I please have plastic surgery santa!! please......

WOW..
 I never thought i would be sitting here 1 year out.( on thursday). I feel like i have come a long way in this journey... Ive just come home from seeing the nut and exerise specialist....

they say i'm doing great i lost 83% of my excess body weight that most wls patients do not always reach that.

 my BMI is 26.8... i'd like it to be a 23-24 bmi(= healthy weight of about 140).
I weigh 160! right where the doctor said i could be if i followed everything right.. so that is good? no great? 167 lbs gone from my heighest recorded weight... 167.. thats a overweight person right there... whew!!!!!

  i see him again in 6 months and said i can lose 10 lbs in 6 months....and another 10lbs following that.,
but now the nut said to me today that i should expect maybe only a 10 or 15 more lbs loss...
 TIME OUT>> HOLD IT>> 
id like 20-25 more lbs to come off.. kinda like what the dr is saying
 but the NUT said shes being realistic.. phooeey on realistc-ness. i want to be 140-135.. prime weight for my height. but the darn NUT said with my body type its not going to happen..darn big boned family..
Also..
 i'm alot smaller on bottom than top it sucks. a reverse pear shape.... i have on a size 10 jeans but they are loose on me within a hour of wearing. gotta yank em up all the time.... ive tried 8's some work some do not soon ill buy a new pair.. i havent had much luck with "used" jeans a few here and there but nothing up to my daily standards? hmmm ill buy a new pair soon i'd liek to wait til i lose a few more lbs tho or until i cant keep the other ones any longer... so yah back to the reverse pear thing.... 
 I'm a large. on top. some mediums.. oh  BUT  i bought a size small sweater from new york and company but it ran big?button down with a tie around the waist.. grey and has a black fur collar and it was at the goodwill with the tags still on for 6.50! i love the goodwill for some items..
i sound like a clothes whore..wow talk about addiction transfer (i always loved clothes tho) but still dang.
so yah..
 i just dont liek my new body shape? i do to a point.... but the saggy skin and the reverse pear shape and i think ive also become a number girl. DONT get me wrong i love the healthy person i've become.. i feel great but i want that size 6.. i want that 140lb ideal weight is that wrong?.. i feel like im still a "big girl" around other girls my age in their size 4's and such..

okay so boo to never being a size 4... but yay to being a "normal" size.. (if i lived in the UK id be about plus size though? thats dam near crazy..)

 sorry i keep going off track here with my post . My mind is running every time I write in this darn thing. usually when i see the doctor.. but no one seems to be using OH anymore half of the friends i had are now deleted and the rest havent been on here in months...come on now WLS people we have to stay on track

Well its been awhile since i posted but with all this snow i have time to. shoveling is a great work out and im not feeling horrible like i used to before surgery when i did it.

so here it goes my venting!! sorry!

Ive been so afraid im not doing something right that i need to be smaller than a 14.. i lost tons of wt {didnt weight myself since 12/27} more than 100 since my highest wt. and i feel that 100lbs= a smaller than 14 size.

i dont see it. i do but i dont.. my mom acts shocked everytime she sees me.. (the only person who does).. is losing weight around people who know you taboo? something not to be spoken of?my step sister have leukimia and stated to my step dad that if people bring up how i lost weight she hates it because of what shes dealing with??..
hmm...

the clothing number thing is killing me
the hair loss is killing me
losing my butt is killing me i feel like i have a flat a** now. my O.N. 14s have so much room in the butt
losing my BOOBS is killing me
the extra skin is killing me!!! (ugh my arms my legs my neck my tummy & my back its icky to me!)

being worried about everything is killing me! ---protein, water, vitamins, making sure i dont get prego. just to name the basics
and some guy hitting on mejust last week and saying he likes to be with chubby girls cuz hes a chubby chaser! GRR that moment sucked...

hmm..
dieing to know if im doing the same as friends/not so friends! did they lose the same amount and wear this size?
GRRRR! i need to stop thinking i want to be a single digit size and think about me losing all of this!!!!
How i CAN NOT remember being under 200lbs~~( only the day i became 200) that losing the weight is amazing!

that i look not just okay, but GREAT!
i need my mind to catch up i think?
and i need to see dr. brader for my 6 months and hear what he has to say about my progress and maybe talk to kristin about the eating and all my worries/concerns  ( ive had cheese curls! =X bad bad bad habit) that i worry that i eat to much i should be eating like i was 5 months ago.. teeny tiny amounts..granted i dont eat anywhere near what i used to pre op.. what would be 1 whole meal back then is now one whole days worth now. if that...

okay i promised myself i wouldnt ramble to long and end with a postive note. so since i listed tons of hates ill list some likes!? good enough right??

i love my collar bone ,it exsists!
my thinner face, legs,& body in general
to not be in the plus size department!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
loving ON(oldnavy)
to have people notice me..that im not invisable(kinda bothers me too)
to wear not just smaller cltohing sizes but also shoe size, ring size, glasses etc
to feel great sitting with my legs crossed!
shaving is easier and painting toenails too!
having more energy in general!!

sorry to bore u all if theres anyone who still reads my blog, not to sure if any of u do..
BUT if you do please leave a comment or send me a msg!..it would be great to connect with you again!

 till next time

i had my 3 month apt. and im down to 230... awesome..i was 13 lbs ahead of what the doctor said i would be.. brader said i blew it out the the water and gave him a a bad name... oopps!.

also from my highest weight its a 97lbs loss.. woot!.. im hoping that what he said is true.. that i can be 200lbs by my 6 month apt. i havent seen that number in a long long time.....
just in time for my birthday. which is my 6 month annni..

i need clothes!...now..!!!!!

i have a hard time getting in protein.. i can sip water/Crystal Light without a problem...but once u add that protein i get full so quick..the protein drink i talked about before with the carnation instant brkfst... im lucky if i get a cup of that in me over a few hours....

so im not getting in protein.. im hoping when i can eat some normal stuff ill be able to do it.

this is tough.. i only hope what everone says is that it gets easier!

on top of that work is calling me .. i didnt answer the last 2 times cause i was out and about with out it..
i have plently of short term disablity time off with pay so i dont knwo what the problem is...

i just ate to fast.. and got sick..i didnt have dumping.. yet.. i just brought back up about 1/2 of what i ate.

i should of known.. i had such chest pain felt like i was out of breath.. I WILL LEARN not to do that again..im sure after a few times of that i rather be dead....
its been about 30 mins and i still feel that tightness,....im such a dumb a**!.

okay so i managed to get 50 grams of protein in 2 cups of liquid!.THAT TASTE GOOD!!
 another 25 for the other things through out the day..i can do this!

i took 2 packets of carnation instant bkft ~10p
 2 cups of milk(lactaid)~16P
1 scoop of pure protein stuff ~24g
= 50g!..
 now i know that we can only absorb 25 at a time or so
 so i will sip some now.. sip some later..since it does fill me up.

im still confused on ..im in the liquid stage how do i stop drinking before meals when most meals are a drink?

so i went to the office today because one of my insisions on the left is open and red and well u get the picture.. so now hopfully that will be all better

while i was there they weighed me!.... 278 folks!..

 i was 280 yesterday when i went to visit violet in the hospital(johns mother) she had Open RNY done monday and shes still in the hospital. i hope shes out soon.
But 2 lbs in one day.. nice!

i was out all day yesterday since it was johns day off and we went to the hospital in hershey to visit her
 then stopped in manheim for a few things then went to my actual house to get the mail,feed my froggy and grab some stuff. Then we went to his frist bowling night on his new team. turns out he did awesome top in the whole league with a 771. not bad after not bowling all summer. ( i was freezing in there and he made me wear his button down..hes sweet. but i felt silly. then we went to his house for awhile, he ate food. which he still doesnt want me to see him doing...and then drove back to my moms where at 11pm i was ready for bed..
 i all day i ate yogurt,apple sauce, pudding and a popsicle and crystal light all day with some protein powder. i got at least 80oz of fluid in me wow! another go me moment!
I feel im doing well.. so i hope everyone else does to!

Okay a few people have asked so heres a posting on it...

my weight at the beginning of my 6 month diet was about 315..last dr visit was 295. day of surgery was 285! and after surgery was 294ish still below 300.. so

i have yet to weight my self  its been 6 days since day of surgery so im curious i dont notice much other than my bloating is coming down and my stomach is itchy from healing,i sometimes stil require a little nap.. i do still have slight bouts of pain definitly while sleeping, and eating comes with noises. definitly with the cream soups.. and apple sauce..

i will get a scale today or tomorrow.. soon!

is drinking 16.9 oz water bottle in about 21/2 hours to fast? to slow?
questions i always come up with after i talk to the dietician..

i wish some one made a time line on how the"avg" after process goes ..would be nice to look at and learn somethign from. i do well with grafts and pictures.

my mom, whom i'm still staying with says i look good. also my bf. that i definitly seem better in the last day or so.
i talked to a friend who had the surgery the same day from texas on the phone and she seems awesome and has alot of the same things going on..made me feel relaxed and looking to the future.

im so glad not to be in the hosptail any more..

but heres a skiming of the story!

so wednesday morning i got a call from the nurse saying the dr. is finishing up early and would like you to come in now...being about 915..i was ready and at my moms so  we drove over the the hospital and got me set up and right away the nurses were having problems with my IV,,, i never have problems..ever.. with giving blood or ivs in the past.. i get really nervous they give me somethign for that..and have to use the bathroom which makes the nurses worry that i caught a bug.. my mom reasures them whil im in there and i come out an get back in the bed and dont remember anythign after that..
i dont remember going into the OR at all like i did when i had my gallbladder out..
but i remember bits of the recovery room.. oh the pain.. they asked 1-10 and i said 10!.. definitly a 10..i think the one time i said 12...lol i was in and out of it... i dont remember getting wheeled into my room.. but i remember my mom and step dad and johns mom coming in.. and me asking where john was and being upset he was at work still and johns mom looking sad that i said i wanted him...i think i feel asleep then..after surgery was a blur compleltly.. though the frist time the nurses wanted me to walk i walked around the whole floor with no help and they were impressed  i had a fever at night..and slept on and off.. not to well with being woke for meds and walking.john slept there was sweet of him
the second day/night more of the same...and john by my side helping me .. what a sweetie.!i had fevers and such and the room felt so hot so john went and got me a fan at walmart and i had cool cloth on all night.. but then there was a tornado warning and the hospital put everyone out in the hall in the beds and chairs.. crazy!...it was kinda liek this would only happen when im there.. lol

a thing im wondering about is i seem to have fevers at night? cause im having them here at home too??? weird.... my belly also doesnt seem to stop making noises  its rumbing all the time and feels weird..and the bloated feeling is not going away much! but i am walking! so its not that.

on to liquids and protein talk...
i feel like im already failing .. im not getting Everythign in me i should....
 im not meeting my protein goal of 75! but how can i when i eat half a cup of jello,broth or cream soup or a few spoons of pudding and have to stop cuz i cant do more..i try to add a bit of protein powder to everything.. not the full serving of 2 scoops but a spoonful....
the only way im getting near protein goal  is i have water bottles and i fill them with a packet of rasp.ice crystal light and some rasp. protein powder. but i am gettign maybe 3/4 of the way  to my 64 oz.. maybe...popcicles are good..=)... but i feel like i will explode if i do any more.
i just am worried im not doing something right.. and i will fail... failure has alway been my worst fear...