Trlme123

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It's the weekend, and I can feel stress in my body.  Lots of things going on and I know I am not taking care of me, but everyone else.  I have a huge breakout on my face, never get that, I am first off too old, and secondly it's never been an issue for me.  Oh well, this too shall pass.  My son's family is staying at our house, he's waiting to move into the one he just built, and it's only a week, and it's all their pets that stress me.  I have 7 of my own, and really, adding 3 dogs to my house is too much, but as a parent, I have to help out.  It should be all over tomorrow, the new house should be ready to stay in if only for nights.  I have to learn to say enough is enough and just let my life run on the way I need it to be, but I am such a push over and such a caretaker that I can't let that role slide for a minute.  
I am going to work on that, and maybe I can help everyone if I first help myself. 
My fitbit is a fun tool, I haven't done anything more than wear it and I am close to 10,000 steps without any formal exercise.  Just think what I can do when I begin to walk for exercise.

 I received my fitbit, a small electronic tracker which tracks more than steps.  I would reccommend anyone to look this device up and see if it's for you.  If for no other reason, it's fun, it's motivating and it has a following:). Lots of things going on in my household, my children/grandchildren are staying for 5 days. It's fun, but... food choices aren't the best, I am going day to day. I am down the two I gained over the weekend, seems Doritos, beer and whatever all I ate are not going to work.
I had group support last night, found out that others that are pre - op also have the mentality that I should eat it now, won't be able to soon is pretty normal.  I know that I will not be able to physically eat it later, but want to wrap my mind around that concept now.  Will try.  My support group is growing, it waas so good to see and hear that people are making necessary changes in their lives to keep the weight off.  I am very happy to have the group and I know that everyone even though they think they can do it alone, they can help others and giving back is one of the nicest feelings.  I hope I can fall into that catagory some day.

Watching TV,  Extreme Weight Loss, the contestant recommends small goals, don't look at the whole picture, it's too daunting.  True, so, today, I planned the first two meals of the day, and am ready with my exercise.  I took a protein drink for breakfast.  I don't care for chocolate in a cold drink, so I combined my Unjury chocolate shake with hot cocoa and had that for breakfast.  YUM!  Another way to get my protein in when I have  my surgery.  
I gained weight over the weekend, think it might have been the Doritos, chocolate chip cookies, and the huge taco salad?  Why do I do this to myself? Well, the goal today is to stick to all the small goals, first one is done, new way to take in protein, and meals planned through lunch.  Now to mow the lawn, that's my exercise for the day.  I'll probably try to update as the day progresses, it should be all about me, there are only 6 weeks until my surgery and I need to make sure that I take center stage and take care of myself.  No one else will, I am not wealthy enough for a cook and/or personal trainer, so it's me, myself, and I.

I just got two chicken bbq dinners to benefit a young boy (7) that is in my grandson's class at school,who has pediatric cancer.  He is currently undergoing treatment, the cancer continues to spread, and he's going to die from this disease.  I feel saddened by this state of affairs.  There are so many illnesses and diseases that have no cure.  I know that my disease (addicition) has no cure, only treatments, and tools to ease the symptoms, and put it into of remission, but I also know I will never really be free from this disease, I must continually monitor myself and my impulses to feed that which triggers a full blown onslaught of the disease.   I know that having this surgery will help me, as chemo helps the cancer patient, live longer with my disease in check.  i know I must work hard to get to where I can manage using the tools and maintaining remission of my addiction. 
I pray that Julian will have some wonderful, healthfilled time on this earth.  I also pray that those of us that have surgery can for many years use the tools to have a healthy life with their addictions in remission. 

 I am going to go for a walk, I know I should and that I will feel better when I do, so I'll be back. Well, I did it, 35 minutes of walking, think it's a 2 mile walk if my memory serves me correctly.  A couple hills, not bad.  I am curious what a 5 foot, 200 pound woman looked like walking through the elite neighborhood at 7 am,but not my real concern.  Hoping they would be saying good for her trying.  I know that is what I would say:).
No goals set for today, did order my fitbit, can't wait to use it daily.  I guess I'll see how the day pans out.  Yesterday's best laid plans bombed, so I am reluctant to do too much planning. 

I love all food.  I don't have any dislikes, well except for lima beans, so it's a matter of choices.  I could just as well eat a peach as a bag of Doritos.  I could eat a plate of veggies as well as a donut. So, why do I  make the latter choices at times?  I can pass on ice cream, every time I eat it, I think why, this isn't that great, I could have left it, but didn't.  I wish I could get my head wrapped around the idea that I have to think before eating.  I want to work on this, I have to work on this if I want to succeed.  I have finally realized that I am an individual that must take every food item into consideration BEFORE consuming.  I wanted to be one of those people that doesn't really have to watch it all , not have to worry, eat what I want etc. etc.  Reality, I am not one of those kind of people that can do that.  I have to watch, calculate and make sure I am eating to fuel with the right kind of food.
Having said that, I need to really practice this.  I have to stop blanking out when I reach for food.  I have to eat smart whether it's a night out with friends or a snack from my pantry.  All of this must get permanently planted into my brain before my surgery and the little voice in my head stop saying that I will start when the surgery happens.  It needs to start now and I need to really try. So today I am spending time thinking, before eating, keeping my plan of food on my counter and really getting down to the business of taking care of my health!

I must be a slow learner because the blog from yesterday disappeared which  means I didn't save it!  Anyway, I ate out twice yesterday, lunch and dinner.  Didn't do really bad, but I am of the mind set that I don't have to be really careful because I am pre op.  I know, I know, I am so wrong, I should be preparing for the rest of my life.  I will try to do better, I really will do it!
I am tiring of this being all that my life is about these days.  Of course it's in the forefront of my mind constantly, no one else knows that my thoughts are constantly on my weight , eating and all the aches and pains that go with it.  My feet are really bothering me these days. I am sure it's the weight, I experience it every time that I am up in my weight. Again, I am a slow learner, I know this will happen, but I allow myself to gain to the point of foot pain.  
I will work harder, be stronger and get to where I BELONG WITH MY WEIGHT AND STAY THERE!

 Ok, it's another Monday, and here I am again thinking " I am going to really start to watch what I am eating etc. etc. etc. "  What do people that don't obsess about their weight think about?  What do they get up every Monday and think?  I hope that sometime in the future I will be one of those people that will be at a normal weight, will know what I am going to do and be able to begin a week without a first thought of weight/ food.  I know that once I have the surgery, it will be a tool that will help me get to my goal and help me stay there.  I know I will need to have a pattern of eating in place, an exercise program in place, but maybe the first thought I have won't be that I have to start yet another attempt to lose and get on track with my eating.  that is my real goal, be healthy and not have to obsess about it in that frame of mind. 

Whatever you do, don't leave this page unless you have saved your blog, when you return, it WILL be gone!  OK, impromptu picnic and I am in charge and so I think  of everyone else and get chips, specifically Doritos which are such a trigger food for me that I cannot stop eating them.  I wonder who I thought I was kidding when I purchased those knowing I was the one really wanting them, not the kids.  Well, I ate some, but not the whole bag, which is tantamount to a miracle in my life.  There is actually a half bag still in the pantry, I should just throw that bag away, or test myself to just let them be there and not eat them.  Hmmmm, this is only the 1,000,000 th test I have put myself through over my lifespan.
I am hoping that I will learn to control my eating on my journey, I am trying hard to eat slower, not drink 30 minutes before meals, and the 30 after and never during.  This is hard, has anyone else had this issue?   I also learned from another blogger that Unjury has a flavorless protein to put on food to make sure one gets enough protein, so I am happy to know that before surgery since everyone I know is tired of the protein shakes after the steady diet of them. 
Well, guess I will get this day going, and see what it will bring to me.

Today is my first day of blogging.  I think I need to keep a record of the whole thing and here's a great way to do that.  I wish there was more doctor to patient contact before surgery.  I am floundering not really knowing what to do. I have my date, but there were no instructions, no direction to go as far as eating or how to eat while waiting for the surgery.  I don't know if I should be dieting, if I should not worry about what I eat, I just don't know.  I suppose I could call and ask, it just seems I would have been sent away with a list of "what to dos" while I wait these two months. On my own, I am trying the slower eating, gave up salt, gave up junk and sweets for the most part.  I also am trying to not drink during meals, though the time limits before and after are difficult for me to remember.
Going to mow the lawn for exercise today, and that is about all I can say today.  I think I will weigh myself and put that here too.