Wren1965

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I wanted to say thanks to everybody that commented on my last entry.  Your support and kindness makes a girl feel good.

I think I didn't really explain myself well last time.  It's not that I'm concerned about how others see me -- except that I was afraid that people at work *would* notice a difference and start asking questions.  I have no issues with having had the surgery - I just don't think it's anybody's business but mine. 

The issue I was really having was I think a disconnect between how good I feel now and how far I have to go.  I've already started doing things that I wouldn't have done a month ago, little things that matter to no one but me.  I believe I had an image in my head of how much different I had to look *if* I already felt this different.

Anyway, I took another look at the pictures, put them side by side, and I can honestly say now that I see a difference.  Yes, there is a long way to go still, but I'm okay with that.  This is a marathon and not a sprint - but I will be crossing the finish line!

I decided right from the beginning that I was going to take one series of photographs a month to track my progress, so that I could see how far I've come. 

I had surgery on March 8th and I took my one month photos yesterday.  I've lost fifty pounds since starting OptiFast and thirty-two of those since surgery.  I know this.  I can see the scale.  I think on anyone else it would be a huge difference.  But the photos only served to show me how far I have to go.  I see no difference in the two sets of pictures and I'm disappointed in myself and my progress.  Fifty pounds on me is just a drop in a bucket.  

I had a different picture of myself in my head, where those fifty pounds were substantial and noticeable and to see the actual physical proof is disheartening.  I feel silly now, being worried about going back to work and everybody noticing my "extreme" weightloss and asking about it. 

However, I will pick myself up and carry on.  I will lose another fifty, and then another fifty after that, and another after that.  There will be a difference.  There will be success.  There will be more disappointments.  There will be more photos.

So I made it through my first shift back at work.  I'm a police dispatcher and work 12 hour shifts, 1600 hrs to 0400 hrs, and last night was my first night back.  Holy cats, I was tired!   I haven't had to stay awake for 12 hours in a row in a month, let alone 12 hours overnight.  

But that was the only problem.  My supervisors (my sergeants) were very accommodating and made sure that I could take breaks when I needed them and that I had enough time to eat my meals.  Everybody was glad to see me, and I was genuinely glad to be back. 

The real trouble arose when I got home.  I was so sore physically.  Not in my belly - not post surgical pain, but everywhere else.  My legs hurt, my feet hurt.  I was wickedly tired.  So to bed I went by 0430 and then it started,  I was up every half hour with leg cramps.  Finally at 0730 I got up and had a hot shower, and that seemed to have cured that problem.  However, after that my recurring stabby leg pain came back and sleep was nearly impossible.  Lots of tossing and turning and I finally gave up around noon. 

Anyway, now back to work for the night.  Hope it gets better. 

I go back to work tomorrow after having 4 weeks off following RNY surgery, and I'm nervous.

I work with about 150 other people.  I don't see half of them most of the time, because we all work rotating shifts.  I do, however see the other half, every day.   Now, I've only told about a dozen people that I was having the surgery.  Almost everybody else realizes that I have been away and that I had surgery, but not what the surgery was. 

So, anyway, the reason(s) that I'm nervous.... The people that know about the RNY might be expecting too much, expecting a big "reveal",  when in reality, the loss I've had so far, 46 pounds, while remarkable, is just a drop in the bucket.  I have at least three times that amount left to lose.  And so there really isn't that big a difference in my appearance.  I don't want them to be disappointed.  

Conversely, I'm worried that the people that I didn't tell *will* notice a big difference and start asking questions about what surgery I really did have done.  I'm feeling sort of like I have a split personality on the whole.  Worried that people will see a difference and worried that they won't.  

Well, no point in fretting about it.  Tomorrow at 4pm the truth will be there.