Question:
Healthy vs. Thinner
I am 5 days pre-op, and working on keeping positive about the changes that are going to happen. I am having a hard time with friends and family focusing on "how skinny I will be" as opposed to how much healthier I will be.. Any one else had this problem? I can't help but think that all of these people don't "get" what this is really about.... I am frustrated and hurt. — Peg L (posted on March 2, 2003)
March 2, 2003
well, remember that most people, even wellmeaning people only SEE what is
visable....they see the outside. they can't see 'health'... they can't see
joint pain, they can't see diabetes, they can't see sleep apnea, they can't
see pain, physical or emotional. they can only see the outside of the
package. and so, they focus on that, the outside. they focus on the SIZE
of that package, rather than the contents. to be fair, though, we can't
see their problems, we can only see their outsides, as well. so, many of
us idealize the 'thinness', as well. i can't speak for them, but, is it
possible that they are equating 'thinness' with 'health'?? if so, then
they could be, in their own, limited, non-eloquent way, be trying to
encourage you. if not, well, they appear to be trying to focus on some
positive aspects. i wish you luck, and good fortune.
— tuxedoll
March 2, 2003
hi there :) please dont feel hurt sweety. im with the previous poster in
that, i think they really do mean well.congrats on your surgery!!! your in
for the journey of your life! :)
— carrie M.
March 2, 2003
I am 7 1/2 months postop and less than 10# from goal. People are
constantly telling me how fantastic I look and how skinny I am. My
standard answer is "Thanks, but I feel FANTASTIC and that's what
REALLY counts!" Unfortunately, some people will never "get"
that some of us did this for HEALTH not LOOKS. I was never that unhappy
with how I looked...............
— Carolyn I.
March 2, 2003
They don't get it with really skinny people either since this country
worships anorexic looking models. People don't even know what health is or
how the weight affects it (too much or too little). I am amazed at how
much better I feel just after losing 25 lbs. As I was gaining my weight, I
did notice a rapid decrease in my health after my BMI hit about 38 or so.
I was definitely on the downside of health when it hit 40. Because I
gained weight after quitting smoking, the irony ws not lost on me.
However, I am celebrating six years without cigarettes in a few weeks just
when I will be about 3 months postop. Finally, I can celebrate it without
regret and frustraton about my weight and how THAT is affectig my health! A
thin nonsmoker I have never been. I look forward to the health benefits.
I do give my husband credit. He keeps asking me if I feel better not how
much weight have I lost. At least someone is aware of the issues weight
can cause! Keep reminding people you are doing it for health and we can
all take part in the reeducation of the world! Best of luck to you!
— susanje
March 2, 2003
They also can't realize the daily struggle of how society treats us.
Whether is overt comments and stares or more subtle not getting hired for
'lack of skills'. It's a whole package of burden that we're losing -
weight, discrimination, health issues. I wish my husband's family would
also understand this. They are being very supportive, but I can't enter any
family functions without announcing how many pounds I've lost. That's not
the only metric I'm going by. So now when they ask "ok, what's your
number", I say, "well, 3 strangers spoke to me in the elevator
for the heck of it, 0 rude comments this month, 1 well-done comment from my
hard nosed boss, and 8 miles on the treadmill this week".
— Yolanda J.
March 2, 2003
Hi Peg... Best wishes for your upcoming surgery. Don't be hurt by
reactions. It truly is impossible for others to focus on health as you are
the one living it daily. They focus on what they will see now feel. You
on the other hand will benefit for both. When I started this journey I
weighed 334#, had so many health problems, was on ten meds, was barely
walking (and about 6 months away from not walking) and probably 5 yrs away
from death. Now ten months later, I am down 104#, have three maintainable
health conditions (thyroid, arthritis and an ongoing but now minor heart
condition). I am on 5 meds: mostly preventative; take my supplements
faithfully, exercise (not as much as I should but definitely more than I
ever did and I feel wonderful physically and emotionally. A plus has been
going from a size 30-32 to an 18-20 so far. My friends and family always
focus on what they see but I focus on what I feel and the knowledge that I
was definitely on a downhill spiral that now has changed course. So for
now, be positive, be excited about this gift and don't worry about
naysayers or those whom you feel should be refocused. Your focus is what
counts so let fears crawl away and enjoy what is ahead. Without a doubt,
this is the best thing I ever did for me. My best to you. Andrea
— AJC750
March 2, 2003
Peg, I so! know how you feel. It will get to the point where even doctors
are all hung up on how skinny you are rather than your health issues. It
drives me nutso! Now I have lost too much and people are all focused on my
being too skinny and realizing all along that I was right to be irritated
about them ignoring the health aspect of this. People wanting this surgery
and their family, friends, doctors, etc are all so blinded by the light at
the end of the tunnel they forget that health is the main reason to have
this surgery done in the first place. You are right, they don't "get
it" BUT we do :) You can email me any time. I always say yeah, I
ama size 6 now, but the important thing is I am not going to die by 40 from
heart problems, develop diabetes, use a cane, be stuck in a wheel chair,
climb the stairs, breath when walking and so many other health issues!!
Gentle reminders eventually get them on track!! **1 year PO, -194lbs,
Current wgt 126**
— smedley200
March 2, 2003
I forgot one other thing you should be prepared for. As you start loosing
well meaners will say things like oh you were so huge, or..you see that
girl over there you were that big, or....I KNEW you had a beautiful face
under all that... Now I laugh it off because most of the time their
discomfort at the foot in their mouth shows up right away, they just don't
know what to say or how to react :) Laugh it off baby, that is the way to
go JOE!!
— smedley200
March 2, 2003
That is a great question! I have been thinking lately that there is so much
focus put on, "How much hae you lost?" and "How much smaller
are you?" that it can easily take the focus off of the real point of
this. The real point for me is to change the habits that have kept me obese
throughout my adult life! I was doing this to myself too by getting on the
scale everyday and basing how my day was going to go on what the scale
said. That is my madness!
I do agree with the other poster who said that it is just the obvious
visual stuff that people will comment on. They have not lived obese so how
could they understand the huge affect it has on your ENTIRE life not just
that you might be fashionably challenged by your size. I just say thank you
and move on. As far as family goes I got them a great book to read that
really explained all of the aspects of WLS so that they could get a little
education before finding it neccesary to make dopey or hurtful comments. It
was a big help in getting them to understand the seriousness of what I was
doing. The book was called "Weight Loss Surgery, Finding the Thin
Person Hiding Inside You!" by Barbara Thompson. Good Luck and know
that you are doing a great thing for YOU and they will fall in line.
— Carol S.
March 2, 2003
I don't think they mean any harm by talking about "skinny," but
like the previous posters said, it has a lot to do with society's emphasis
on looking small (above health). Which, as we know, is nuts. And yet ...
we have countless posts here about how small people's clothing sizes are
now, right alongside who can run two miles and feels great. Sheesh, last
time I saw my doc, he asked what my clothing size is now (and I wanted to
talk about running, lol). These two concepts -- health and
"thinner" -- will continue to co-exist, sometimes uncomfortably,
as you continue your journey. Just wait til you hit a plateau, when you
*know* you're eating and exercising right, and you feel great, but yet that
scale number drags your spirits right down even though you *know* better.
It happens to us all. You've got the right focus -- just be prepared to
have to steer others (and yourself) back to the right focus from time to
time.
— Suzy C.
March 3, 2003
I do so know exactly how it is. everybody wants to know the # of pounds.
but when I mention my cholesterol is down 87 points their eyes glaze over.
To be quite honest, I am not totally sure I really look better when I am
the one seeing myself naked in the mirror and the skin hanging and
wrinkled. I am not necessarily thinking that it looks better than the fat
did. I am only avoiding depression by focusing on health benefits, but the
world around JUST DOESN'T GET IT! They think it is all about thin. Or
wearing miniskirts. PUHLEASE! my pannus would hang out below it. and the
wrinkly legs would be soooo pretty with the varicose vein accents. the
next person who says "you look SOOOO much better" ( AS IF i WAS
A HIDEOUS SLUG BEFORE) might get knocked to IRAN to live with Saddam.
— **willow**
March 4, 2003
I am constantly being asked how much weight do I want to loose, or what
size do I want to come down to. My response is for every pound that I
loose, I am greatful and happy as all I want to be is healthier. I am
also being asked every day, 'how much have you lost?' and my response to
that is, I'm not sure as I only weigh at my doctor's office and I haven't
been there for the past few weeks. I sometimes wish people would just
leave me alone, but I know a lot of it is out of concern. :-)
— sharon E.
March 6, 2003
When people started to really notice my weight loss, I got a LOT of
comments. When people asked me how much I'd lost, I just said, with a
smile, "a ton". If they pushed it, I just smiled and said I
wasn't really keeping track, but that I felt great now. Of course, they
knew that not keeping track was a lie, but they accepted my answer since I
smiled. And then the subject changed to how much better I felt after
weight loss and the health benefits. Maybe this approach would help you,
too.
But, don't expect people to really "get it" about WLS. Unless
you've been morbidly obese, you really can't understand -- so don't expect
them to. Just accept their limitations and try to educate them a little.
At least that's my goal.
— Kathy J.
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