Question:
How can I get over this hangup?
I'm scheduled for surgery on July 30th. I haven't told anyone at work that I've even considered this, and don't really want to. I want to keep this absolutely private, however, they are going to be able to put 2 and 2 together, I would assume, when I take a medical leave and then come back losing weight like crazy. I really want to keep this private and definitley not talk about this at work with anyone. I know I'm eventually going to have to explain the weight loss at some point, so how do I get over this privacy hang-up??? I don't even plan on telling most of my family. — Jen D. (posted on June 15, 2003)
June 15, 2003
I had the same feelings as you. On the date of my surgery there were nine
people who knew. Only family and closest friends. I can guarantee you that
you will not feel this way after the surgery. You will not be as
uncomfortable about talking with people about your success. Give it time.
Most of your friends and colleagues will be your strongest rooting
section.
LAP RNY 10/8/02 Down 116. Good luck.
— Steve B.
June 15, 2003
Does having surgery make you feel ashamed? We have a physical disease that
we can put into remission. We'll never be "cured", but we can at
least use the treatment available today. I also didn't want to tell anyone
til it was "done", because I didn't want to argue, have them tell
me I wasn't THAT fat (I lost 150#, I weigh 110), that I can diet again,
etc. And, of course, and I think this is the bottom line--what if this
fails, TOO, like every other thing we've tried? I did tell a few people,
the wreek before. And you know, it put me in control. I was no longer
hiding in fear that they'd "find out". It was very freeing, I
can tell you, What a huge stress reducer that was. I was still in control
of the concept--to do it, not do it, whether it might work-- and i didn't
have to sneak around. Worked beautifully as they took very loving care of
my dh while I was down. They felt "included" in the process.
— vitalady
June 15, 2003
wanting to keep your personal medical information to yourself DOES NOT
mean you are ashamed of having wls. you never have to tell anyone if you
don't want to. even when you start loosing weight. if they ask say it's
personal. you don't OWE anyone a reason point blank. but if you are friends
with the people you work with, you might want to think of a nice why to
tell them that you don't want to talk about it. good luck
— franbvan
June 15, 2003
I haven't told anyone at work either. My surgery date is 7/01/03. If
anyone asks me if I have lost weight, I will tell them I am on a medically
supervised weight plan.
— Kathy L.
June 15, 2003
Jen,
I too felt the way you feel when I decided to have the surgery. I told my
boss at work, and strictly told her I wanted no one to know. She respected
my wishes. I only told certain family members and a few (and I mean few)
select friends. HOWEVER....as my surgery date came near, I found myself
extremely proud of my decision and excited. I found myself telling a few
more people before surgery, and after surgery I tell/told anyone that will
listen. :) I'm extremely thankful and proud that I had the COURAGE and
strength to have this surgery. This is by FAR an easy way out of weight
loss, in fact this is probably the toughest way to lose weight. (in my
opinion) Not to mention, not an easy road. By all means, it's totally up
to you if you wish not to tell people. But, you may be missing out on some
magnificant supporters. Some of my biggest supporters/fans, are the people
that I didn't even tell in the beginning. You are making a health
decision, this surgery will make you a healthier person. Who can argue
with that? :) Good luck Jen. You will do what is best for you.
— Kim L.
June 15, 2003
Being very blessed here, I have TOTAL support from everyone in my life.
Everyone is so proud of me and they keep on giving me tons of
encouragement. When I go on those darn plateaus, there is always someone
who hasn't seen me in a while that makes me realize I still am doing great.
It's a huge decision to have this surgery. You need the support along the
way. Good luck to you. (Open RNY 10/30/02 down 160 lbs)
— Ginger M.
June 15, 2003
I didn't tell anyone at work either, and I still haven't. I'm 8 months
post-op and have lost about 80 lbs. Don't give people too much credit for
"putting 2 and 2 together". I came back to work 6 weeks post-op
significantly lighter. People noticed I'd lost weight, and complimented me
on it. They still do. You don't have to tell your whole story for people to
support you. I get lots of compliments and support for my weight loss from
my coworkers, and like I said, I didn't tell a soul. Keep it private if you
want.
— Angie M.
June 15, 2003
Hi Jen...it is your right/choice to keep things private. I doubt if people
will "badger" you if you just say "my medical stuff is
private to me...I'd prefer not to talk about it". If they do badger,
then they're inconsiderate morons! LOL It will probably be at least a
month or two before the weight loss "shows" to any degree.
You'll notice every pound you lose, but others won't. I don't think it's
unusual to want to keep this to yourself...everyone is different. I, on
the other hand, told everyone in my circle as I needed the support. There
was not one unsupportive person or nay-sayer (they wouldn't dare!). Just
be firm immediately when anyone asks, that it's not their business. (be
nice about it though). People will get tired of asking when they don't get
a response. Hugs, Joy
— [Deactivated Member]
June 15, 2003
Jen, I didn't tell our friends and barely told any family members what I
was doing. Work was a different story - I am the third person there to hav
WLS. I work for an insurance company, and sit next to the precert person,
so I knew everyone there would know I was having surgery. I didn't make a
big deal out of it. I got a lot of support, and now I even have other
people from work coming to me to talk about weight loss surgery! I found
that after I had surgery and started losing weight, I WANTED to tell
everyone that acted like they cared to hear it! My husband has since had
surgery and kind of felt the same way. Now, when we go to a restaurant and
split an entree, and then even take some home, he volunteers the fact that
we both have had WLS! And he was pretty much obsessed with the poeple at
work not knowing he was having surgery for weight loss. I think things will
even out after you have surgery. People will see you lose weight, you will
feel great and start talking about it. Best of luck!
— koogy
June 15, 2003
I feel the same way as you do and have from the very beginning. I am now
10 weeks post-op and still haven't decided to tell most friends/family
about the surgery. Maybe in the future I will feel different. I have
lost and gained so many different times over the years that I feel that
most people won't think any different. I have 2 school age children that
keeps me very involved with community/school. I just don't feel that this
is something that they have to know. I have told a couple of very close
friends and of course my husband and children. They feel the same. We
live in a small town and I really don't want to be judged from month to
month by how much I have lost/haven't lost. I really do want to help
others and I have helped a couple of friends find info about this and get
the ball rolling for them. My nutritionist also encouraged me to be as
private as I felt I needed to be. He told me to let everyone know that
asked that I was on a diet/exercise program by my doctor. I have lost
about 48 pounds. After the first couple of years I'm sure that I will feel
differently about this subject. But, for now I don't want to be
"watched and judged" and don't want my children to be asked a ton
of questions either. I am rather shy when it comes to talking about myself
and would just rather not. Do what you feel is best! I'm not ashamed of
this surgery at all - I thank the good Lord above for making it possible.
I was also this way about other surgeries I have had. Some people are just
more private than others. Good Luck - I know that you'll do GREAT!!!
— Post O.
June 15, 2003
Jen-
I have told noone except my husband and two kids about my surgery. To be
honest I am a private person anyway and my weight problems are probably my
#1 privacy bugaboo. I told others that I had my gallbladder out. Your
question about people wondering about your weight loss brings up an
interesting point. I think many people feel awkward about commenting about
weight. And let's face it we all have alot to lose. I found previously
that it took a long time before people actually noticed and felt
comfortable commenting on my weight loss. You'll be seeing the work people
everyday so it won't seem as dramatic.
Regarding being embarrassed about the surgery. I guess I am disappointed
with myself that I have let the situation get to this point. Embarrassment
has nothing to do with it. It's your choice whether you want
"strangers/aquaintences" knowing your private business.
— [Deactivated Member]
June 15, 2003
I have about the same to say as the others. As for work, I told them I was
having surgery "for" my back, which was not a lie. My back
problems was one of the reasons for the surgery. I was only gone from my
office for a week and when I got back out with people and they saw how
little I was eating I just told them it was no need to try to help my back
if I was not going to loose the weight. People ususally reply....are you
doing Adkins....and I respond...sort of...lots of proteins and very low
carbs with some of my own rules and lots of exercise. It's really none of
their business anyway! My mother does not even know. I saw her a week ago
and at 3.5 weeks then was down 20 pounds and she never mentioned it. Just
be smooth about it.....
— Sharon B.
June 15, 2003
I didn't want to tell anyone and I'm glad I made that decision. First of
all, I'm a slow loser and I know that some people have this idea that WLS
people lose very rapidly. I would not be comfortable with everyone
charting my progress. But the good thing about losing slowly is no one
really seems to notice (or if they did, they didn't say anything, except
for one person). In fact, since I've had surgery only one woman who didn't
know I had surgery and my son, who did know, have commented on my weight
(I'm down just about 60 lbs). I had a friend visit me and before she got
here, I thought that I would tell her if she commented on my weight loss.
Not only didn't she comment, but she had H&H bagels from NYC (my
hometown) flown to California for me and I didn't have the heart to tell
her (my kids scarfed them up). I'm going home in August and I'll see THEN
if anyone notices or says anything but I've not had a problem keeping it
quiet. In fact, the further from surgery I get, the easier it seems to be.
— susanje
June 15, 2003
Close friends outside of my work know what I did. At my job, everyone
thinks that I had GERD surgery (for acid reflux). People think I am just
controlling my dietary habits better since my "GERD" surgery. I
need to keep it private due to the highly politcally charged charged
environment I work in. After 10 weeks, 37lbs, and 3 dress sizes smaller, no
one is the wiser. They just think I got my dieting and will power on the
same plain. :-)
— M B.
June 15, 2003
I told everyone about my surgery, before and after. I never was too good
at keeping secrets. I was going to be asked questions anyway I figured as
the weight starting falling off and I don't believe in lying so I let my
children's teacher's know in case there was some issues that came up at
school. I informed my job and mostly everyone was in support. There of
course were some negative comments but there always is. I mainly give alot
of information about the surgery to people that may be candiadates and I
wanted them to feel comfortable asking me any question. I still have a
woman in town whom I do not know call me with the probalems she is going
through with insurance. Been there! But you need to do what you feel is
right. Even my husband is talking about me at work and how proud he is of
me. He also needed an outlet for his concerns prior to surgery and after
while I was a royal pain and whimp. So he vented to friends at work which
is ok by me. I was fat, now I am not so fat and people are curious and
nosy as to how I am doing it. So I tell them. Best of luck on your
decisions.
— Lisa B. A.
June 15, 2003
I look at it this way. It's your life and your decision. You don't have to
tell anyone anything you don't want them to know. At my job, I told very
few people about it, and let everyone else think what they wanted. When
asked, I would tell them stomach surgery, and when pressed for details,
would tactfuly change the subject. If you want them to know, then tell
them. If not, change the subject.
Good luck and God Bless! 7 weeks out, down 40#
— mellyhudel
June 15, 2003
ok, let me get this straight... you don't want to share this, or other
information with others....this IS your right... and then you want to know
'how to get over this hangup'? do YOU think that this is a 'hangup'? if
so, then, that's one thing, and therapy is always helpful, however, if you
are comfortable with your decision why would you want to change it?
personally, i can't and don't understand why some people are so
secretive.... it makes no sense whatsoever to me, BUT, that's me, and i
don't have to (or want to, frankly) understand, endorse, or emulate anyone
else, i have too much fun just being me, and making my own decisions.
— tuxedoll
June 15, 2003
I feel like everyone looks at me and thinks ..WOW is she fat..so now I am
in control..I am having surgery..AND I am like the man who lowered his
cholestrol..I find myself telling everyone....this is the honest
truth..someone called .it was a wrong number..we ended up talking and I
told this total stranger too..LOL..life is too short not to laugh a bit..
— Kathy S.
June 15, 2003
WLS is NOTHING to be ashamed of. It takes courage and a lot of work to do.
<P> Look gossip starts on half truths and people jumping to
conclusions. If you tell folks you had WLS they will know whats up. If your
on medical leave and start loosing weight so fast people will suspect you
have cancer, aids or another dreaded disease. They will be planning on who
will fill your job once your gone:( Dont laugh I know a postie who tried to
keep it a secret. She saw a add for her job in a professional magazine. Her
boss thought she was dying. When have YOU everv seen anyoine loose as fast
as we do? Thats right cancer. What would you rather have them think? Be
proud you had a problem and are fixing it!!!
— bob-haller
June 15, 2003
I kept my WLS a big secret for a long time. I planned on doing it over
summer so work wouldn't even know about it since I am a school teacher. I
ended up missing the last three weeks of school for an early surgery date.
Before surgery I told one close person at work and asked her not to say
anything until it was completed. My reasons for secrecy was that I didn't
want anyone to give me negative advice or just incase I couldn't have the
surgery. I stopped in to work two weeks after surgery and told everyone.
They were very supportive. My work is a close group and almost everyone is
friends. Before surgery everyone at work knew I was leaving and when they
asked what kind of surgery, I simply told them that I wanted to keep it
confidential for the moment. Everyone respected that. I thought about
saying "abdominal surgery" or making sometihng up, but it really
would lead to more questions so I said nothing. That's what worked for me.
I also tell other people in social situations so they can be understanding
as to why I need to get up and walk after sitting too long, or eat small
meals or not with the group. What ever you decide to do is your decision,
but don't get hung up about it.
— Heather M.
June 16, 2003
It is absolutely no ones business whether you did or didn't have surgery.
I had surgery in March and have told 2 people, one for support and the
other for support as well as a ride to and from the hospital. That is all
who know and all who will ever know. My parents as well as my daughter do
not have a clue. Yes I lost weight quickly 50 pounds in the first few
weeks and it was noticeable. I received nice comments from all my
co-workers and yes there were rumors about me having cancer but I quickly
put a halt to those. I have had two ulcers since surgery which basically
explains away everything in my co-workers eyes.
For those of you who can not believe we wouldn't tell everyone, it is a
personal choice. I don't find the need to tell nor do I like to hear about
it from others. Sorry but that's my opinion.
— D L.
June 16, 2003
Don't assume everyone is going to put 2 and 2 together. Its your choice
whom you tell. Just be aware that once you tell even one person, others
may find out-its just the way it is. Most offices have grapevines that are
faster than lightening! I told no one at work, and as I lost weight, the
questions were "how are you losing weight" and not "did you
have gastric bypass". So, I told the truth-eating less, smaller
meals, mostly protein, tons of water, lots of exercise. I'm a believer in
keeping your personal business out of the work place.
— Cindy R.
June 19, 2003
Is it that you don't want them to know you had surgery? Or that you don't
want them notice you're shrinking size at all? If it's the surgical part,
would you be as self-conscious if you merely told them the truth...diet
& exercise? Okay...so perhaps it wouldn't be the whole truth,
depending how you look at it. But surely sooner or later others will see
you are eating differently and figure you're dieting anyway.
As time goes by though, you probably will feel less self-conscious about
having surgery.
Honestly, some times I wonder what people are thinking when they ask you
questions over and over and over again. As time passes though it becomes
less of an issue and people remark on the loss, but not on the new
lifestyle. :)
— Diane S.
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