Question:
I have been post up for 2 years and have started dating again. When do you tell?
I just started dating and would like some post up people to share their experience. Mine is a double whammy - last year I had breast cancer as well. Totally cured. When do I share all of this? — GailV (posted on August 1, 2005)
August 1, 2005
I started a little earlier, perhaps 1.5 years, mostly internet dating. I
generally told them after a couple of dates. I really didn't want to be
with someone who saw this as a "deal breaker" issue so I felt it
was better to tell them upfront. In the end, I found someone who was
contemplating the surgery himself, and just recently had it. We're
celebrating our 1 year anniversary. I wish you luck. I only told one
guy before the guy I ended up with, and I told him on the second date after
I had some gastric distress while at dinner. I think he thought I was
bulemic, so I felt I needed to clear that up. Anyway, that was the end of
him, and no big loss. I think you wait until you feel comfortable sharing
this information, or you need to do so to figure out whether to move
forward. If it scares them off, they aren't right for you!
— Daisy C.
August 1, 2005
I too am over two years post op and have started dating. I have not told
any of the men I have dated. I don't really plan on telling them unless I
think there would be a possiblity of something serious developing. Right
now I look at RNY information sharing like sharing if you had your gall
bladder removed. It's not really anyone business. There is a time when
this information will be shared - especially when revision scar from
plastic surgery are noticed.
— suzcar51
August 1, 2005
Hi, I divorced during my post op years, I am 4 years out. I started dating,
and my rule of thumb that has worked for me is honesty. I usually don't
tell someone on the first date, but if there is a second or a third, I do
tell them. I will be honest with you and tell you that it has backfired on
me, the honesty thing. I prefer to date a larger man, and one of the men I
had dated got into an argument with me. One of his comments during our spat
was "at least I try to diet the normal way, I didn't take the easy way
out" and we weren't even talking about dieting. So there is some
backlash, at least in my experience. But one thing about that is, you know
who you are dealing with right away. If someone says something rude, then
you know upfront that it won't work. I guess I was always concerned that
if I waited to tell them ,and say the relationship went farther,got more
serious, that I would get the rude comment later on and regret the months
spent with that person, because I didn't realize who they were. I wish you
the best!!
— Carey N.
August 1, 2005
Well, I guess everyone is different because I have a friend who says she
will never tell. But I believe in the honesty thing. In fact, someone
recently asked me to meet him. I think I will tell him before we meet.
Because he is very much into fitness and if he is one of those gym rats who
will look down on me for doing this, then what's the point in even meeting?
I don't want to get involved emotionally and then find out that it won't
work because of his opinions about the obese and people who have had WLS.
So I am going to confess this week, then if he still wants to meet we will
do so next week. My life is so busy now that I don't need someone in it
anyway, so I'd rather hold out and wait for someone who is compatible and
can accept my life choices. If that means being alone for awhile, then so
be it. But I'd rather know their opinions up front. So I will tell early.
But I think it is a very personal decision. Listen to yourself and do what
feels right. Best of luck in the dating world and best wishes for health
and happiness always!
— Donna F.
August 2, 2005
For me I told my husband before we every had a date. We met on the
internet and I told him the whole situation and gave him the link to my
profile. I figured if a man could not deal with the choices I had made
then he wasn't the right person for me. I was not going to waste my time
on someone who would judge me for the choice I made to save my life. My
husband is also overweight. While nothing like I was, I needed to make it
clear that an active life was what I needed and that being a couch potato
wasn't in the picture. He was supportive all the way and could understand
why I would pursue the surgery in my case. He also was interested in an
active life and losing some weight as he had a 3 yr old son at the time,
who he needed to keep up with. Fast forward 21 months from when we met and
we've been married for almost a year (Aug 13th) and he is scheduled for RNY
on Sept 13th. In his case it's not because of his weight as we are both
fine with how he is physically. His only reason for pursing WLS is his out
of control diabetes. Even on insulin he is having a heck of a time getting
the numbers down. He wants to be alive to enjoy his new marriage and his
almot 5 yr old. One never knows how things will end up. Also for me I
could never have hid it as I have about 140" of scars from 3 major
PS's. I needed a man who could live with all aspects of my former SMO
life. Frotunately I found him and he has been very supportive through all
the PS. I met David when I was 9 months PO from WLS, and still weighed 60
lbs more than I am today. He was fine with me as I was then also.
— zoedogcbr
August 2, 2005
Hello there- you know,I dont tell unless I actually have to, i.e. not being
able to eat or drink certain products. It also depends on the person that
you are dating. I ususally try to get an idea on what their perspective is
going to be on the situation, whether or not this is going to be a long
term relationship, if this person, too, has shared personal moments with me
as well. There are so many different factors to consider, whether these are
ones for you or not. Before I tell all and it comes down to a situation
where I can't drink or eat something in particular I have simply said that
I was allergic to it.
— mdolphin
August 2, 2005
would you want him to tell if was reversed, sure, it wouldnot matter to you
and if it does to him, why waste one date on a loser..good luck
— Maria S.
August 3, 2005
I am (was) a big beliver in full disclosure about WLS - hell, everybody I
talk to (esp. early on after surgery) knows about it...coworkers,
colleagues, homeless people on the street. But I think I am going to try a
new approach and not share this info for a while...it certainly hasn't
gotten me anywhere on the man front. But everyone here as given you sage
advice...basically, suss out the person first a bit, and if he seems open
to knowing you, share away. Much success to you, and congrats on
overcoming all of your health issues - what an inspiration!
— rebeccamayhew
August 5, 2005
Irs funny to me that this question came up. I recently met a nice man on
match.com and we hit it off well. But a few days after meeting, I left for
a previously planned vacation. We talked everday while I was gone, and one
night he says " Can I ask you something?" Sure I say. To make a
long story short, he asked if I had lost alot of weight. I was so shocked,
at first I didn't know how to respond.After closing my mouth I confided
that I had. He asked if I had "The Surgery". He went on to tell
me that he noticed I had stretch marks on my arms, but they were skinny and
I barely at a childs portion at dinner. I was so impressed at him paying so
much attention to me that he picked up on something no man had ever even
bothered to pay attention to. Before I started dating, I was also worried
about what to say. I was amazed that no one ever really notice how little I
ate. I realized I didnt have to make a decision, but when I lost a
significant amount of weight, I guess I figured I looked so good, who would
care so I confided in someone I was dating at the time and it turned into
an arguement. The guy went so far as to tell me I was disgusting! So there
are people that TOTALLY disagree with wls surgery and dont mind expressing
their opinions. And honestly I repect it. Getting back to the new guy. We
have been together everday since I got back. He is attentive, extremely
supportive. I'm 5 weeks post op tummy tuck and arms. I knew he was special
I didnt have to say anything about it. I told me that he was really
interested and was really paying attention to ME!!!
Anyway, to answer your question. I would not tell anyone on the first date.
Its none of their business, nor do I think they want to know at that point.
But if things seem to be going somewhere, yes you should definitely tell
because its a part of who you are today and forever. Anyone that can deal
with it cant deal with you.
— Regina J.
Click Here to Return