Question:
Helping family understand why I am doing gastric bypass.
My family (my mother in law mostly) is very negative about my surgery. She is a worrier anyways, but she is keeps saying to me. "Why can't you do the same thing that you would do after surgery as far as eating before the surgery to lose weight"? I try and try and explain to her that it is a tool and since I will have a smaller stomach, I will automatically eat less , excersise, etc. She still goes back to WHY NOT NOW then? She is concerned that we all will be together for a holiday or dinner and I can't eat and I will be in the corner. She is worried that I will never have any of the things I love like Cake, Ice Cream, Pizza, Mexican ever again. I told her that not so much, but my focus is not on the food anymore. It is health and life change. I will learn to love other foods. How can I explain to her how others feel about not eating those foods that you love again? Or why didn't you do it before the surgery and how can you do it now? Tammy — tayee24 (posted on April 21, 2008)
April 21, 2008
Hang in there I had the same problem. I didn't even tell my sister I was
having the surgery until the night before it was scheduled because I didn't
want to hear her negative comments. Tell the naysayers if they can't say
anything positive you don't want to hear their comments. This is a life
choice that YOU have to make and live with not them. Until they have
walked in your shoes they cannot tell you what to do. You have to support
your decision not them. It is normal to doubt yourself right up until the
surgery. At least the people I know did. My prayers are with you
— Lisa Eason
April 21, 2008
Maybe you should bring her to listen to your chosen surgeon or to a support
group. Maybe if she heard it from other people (many at support groups)
then she might understand. Diets don't work for a lot of people. You diet,
lose weight with a supplement or special foods, and then your diet ends
sometime. When the diet ends people normally go back to their old ways of
eating, as there is nothing to prevent that. With the RNY surgery, your
stomach is much smaller, now called a pouch. Also your intestines are
attached differently for a malabsorptive portion of the surgery. This means
you won't process the fats, calories, etc. that tend to cause weight. One
additional component for most people, is that they can't tolerate greasy
foods or sugary foods--it makes them get dumping syndrome, where the
patient may throw up, have diarrhea, feel nauseaus for hours, etc. It's
kind of deterrent not to eat that food again. So this surgery works from
several "angles" to prevent the weight gain. As you start to
lose some weight, you'll need to exercise. If you're too heavy for walking
or gym work, you can get chair exercise DVD's where you do exercises in a
straight backed chair. These exercises were designed for older people in
rest homes, but they work very well for those who are not very mobile due
to obesity.
— Dave Chambers
April 21, 2008
Hi Tammy, Congrats on your decision. Hopefully your husband is on board
with you and will support you and he is not the one filling your mother in
law with this crap. (sorry if I was too blunt). I had friends tell me after
my surgery that they couldn't be around me anymore cause I took
responsibility and did something about my weight. You bet I did....5 days
shy of 4 months and down 70lbs. What you will find once the sugar is out of
you system you won't crave it anymore. Natural things will taste and smell
sweeter. The way I look at it I had 45 years to indulge now my next years
shall be awesome. Best of luck.....
— Charlene Lewis
April 21, 2008
Tammy,
Oh boy, if it were as simple as just not eating.... bariatric surgery would
be obsolete and many people out of jobs in the industry.
I am an RN and another nurse actually said to me before LapBand surgery
"well if you could just stop shoving food in your mouth, you wouldn't
need surgery". Sounds simple enough huh?
The reason we can't and not simply choose not to is because we have an
ADDICTION! Plain and simple. It's not a pretty word, but that's all you
need to say and I quote myself: "The reason I can't stop is because I
have an addiction, no less serious than alcoholism or drugs or any other.
I won't be able to eat the same foods after surgery because my pouch/system
won't tolerate it. This decision did not come lightly and I'm doing this
as a last resort to save my life. If I could have done it any other way,
trust me I would have. If I can only eat a few bites at Thanksgiving and
be full and satisfied- all the better."
If you have gastric bypass, you will not be able to tolerate high fat and
sweets because of dumping, so you will learn to avoid them because of your
body's reaction to them- not through "willpower". Once you start
to lose, you will feel better both physically and emotionally and will want
to lose more. To keep moving forward and reach your goals, you will feed
on your success and learn what to do and keep doing it.
I'm not saying I don't have an occasional bite of something that is not WLS
appropriate, but it is nothing like before. I have lost the taste for most
sweets that I used to think I couldn't live a day without. I just have to
keep salty crunchy things out of the house as I have a hard core pop corn
and chip addiction. Your palate will change.
She should come around and be supportive, if not, it's her problem not
yours. I know that sounds cold but it is about time we start taking care
of ourselves and put ourselves first.
You can do this. Good luck,
Dawn Vickers, RN, BLC, CLC
— DawnVic
April 21, 2008
I had the same problem with my mother in law and a few others. I did not
tell anyone I was doing it until I had a surgury date because I didn't want
too here the negative responses from anyone and 2nd I wanted to make the
decision on my own with out any input from anyone except my husband. When I
told my mother in law her first respose was "why can't u do it like
normal people do" then she told me try the clean out diet where u
drink this concation with tabasco,lemonade and other stuff for days at a
time and then there are the ignorante people who stay stupid other things
to you that is negative about. I just respond with I have been thru 6
months of classes and training and you haven't when you do then you can
make your opinions known!
Just ignore them and make your own choices!
— rlgceb
April 21, 2008
It is sad to say but sometimes family can be the biggest obstacle to deal
with when making any major change in your life. My extended family never
approves of anything I do so usually I just do as I please without
discussing it with them. My immediate family, my husband and children, are
always very supportive of my efforts to improve my health. I just told my
husband a few days ago about the decision to go ahead with preparing for
gastric bypass surgery. He agrees that I've tried everything else and have
done the best I can to lose the weight on my own. It is his opinion, and my
children's opinions and my doctor's opinion that matter to me. It sounds to
me as if your mother in law is not worried so much about you giving up your
favorite foods but is really thinking that she wouldn't be able to give up
her favorite foods. I've been on a perpetual diet for years and when I know
I'm going someplace where there wont be any food for me, I take my own. I
don't leave it up to others to prepare food that I can have. (I'm a
diabetic.) I take that responsibility on myself. I can imagine it will be
no different when I have the surgery. If you do have some support from some
of your family, I wouldn't worry about the others. Is your mother in law,
overweight? There are many people who can't understand that we would change
our size if we possibly could. It just isn't that simple. In your place, I
would develop a thick skin and make your decision based on your own
feelings and beliefs and ignore those who can't or wont support you. I wish
you good luck.
— [Deactivated Member]
April 21, 2008
That is why I am not telling anyone except my husband.
— NeedToLooseWeight
April 21, 2008
Tammy,
I sooo feel your pain. I told a total of 4 people I was having the
lap-band until after it was over. I DID NOT tell my family because they
are VERY negative 99.9% of the time. I called my mom a few days after I
got home and she was mad that I didn't tell her. I told her she's so
negative why would I want to have that on my head as I'm going to have
major surgery? Good Luck and maybe you can show her some literature on it
and be like LQQK read understand then if you have questions ask.
I wish you the best of luck and if I didn't know better I'd swear our
families are related LOL
— Danielle T.
April 21, 2008
I spent three years trying to decide what was the best proceedure for me,
who was the best doctor and then when I made my choice, I told all my
freinds and family. My friends were very supportative, but other than my
wife, I heard from more family members that said I was making a mistake and
I looked just fine like I was. I toook 19 drugs each day, had diabeties
for 25 years, high blood pressure and high colesteral. Family members said
that was the reason I should not risk surgery. The fact is they are all
overweight but not as bad as I was. Now they tell me I am too thin, I
should not lose any more, and so on. I have lost almost 100 pounds in a
little more than 4 months, I feel great, I look great and I work out at the
gym every day. I only take two drung, have no diabeties, no high blood
pressure and total colosteral of 95. I was so fat for 20 years, I could
not tie my own shoes, and today I work out every day at the gym for 1-1/2
hours and can not only tie my shoes, but with my leg streight out and the
knee flat, I can reach over my toes and grab my heal. I would do it again
in a heart beat. The best thing I ever did for myself and my family was
have a RNY. Go to a support group and you will hear this time and time
again. Last night on 60 minutes there was a group of people that discussed
life after RNY. They all were thrilled. If you missed it, I will send you
a DVD for your family. I now tell them I will not tell them how to live
their lives, and I will live mine they way I want to. I now eat to live,
and I don't miss a thing. It is just great to hear my real frends tell me
how great I look. I am 62, so that is getting up there to do surgery like
this, but I thank God for the RNY Surgery my Surgeon and the added years I
have just put ahead of me, because I am healther than when I was 30. It is
OK to have doubts, and it will be there for a few weeks following surgery,
but 6 weeks afterward, you will begin to be a different person. I want to
lose 80 more pounds, and I will do it. I want a BMI of 24.9 and I don't
think I every had it, but I can see it in my future. Trust yourself and
you will not regrate it. Best of success to you.
— William (Bill) wmil
April 21, 2008
Congratulations on your WLS decision. I am 3 1/2 months out and down 83
lbs. I had this surgery for me! I told everyone this was the right
decision for me. It is a tool. I only consume 500-800 calories per day.
Any other person would be very hungry if they tried to eat that little.
When you are hungry, the diets fail. I enjoy food. I enjoy entertaining.
I am not in the corner, sad that I can't eat as much as everybody else. I
control every bite of food that goes in this mouth. Food no longer
controls me.I love mexican, pizza, and sweets. Now I do not eat foods that
have too much sugar, but fatfree no sugar added fudge bars are great. I
eat the toppings off of pizza. I love mexican. You will be suprised. The
sweets that you once craved, you don't anymore. You just have to
experiment. Use this tool to its fullest. This surgery will be the first
day of the rest of your life. Keep your family and friends informed. Tell
them that you do not want to discuss negative thoughts about the surgery.
They will be watching you. Good luck
— mary_rn
April 21, 2008
Eating less is not just the only thing you get. You also get the fact that
your body doesn't absorb all the food you take in because part of the
intestine is bypassed. You can't do that part now, without the surgery.
Now, here's the tough part. You have to do this for YOU, and regardless of
other people's opinions. If your MIL can't accept what you're doing it's
going to have to be her problem and not yours. Give her the information
and then stop trying to convince her. When she sees you lose the weight
and sees that you're happy despite the new way of eating, maybe that will
convince her, but if it doesn't, let it go. Get other people to support
you in this. Good Luck!
— Shirley D.
April 21, 2008
Hi Tammy....I had the same nagative response with my mom....but you
know...now she is SO proud of my weight loss and the fact that I am SO much
healthier than before...and you will have different tastes after your
surgery...but it ALL
WORTH THE EFFORT...AND PLEASE HEAR YOUR HEART AND SOUL AND JUST GO FOR
IT!!!!! OK? You can write me at my email address which is
[email protected] and I'll be glad to be your friend and support you
through it..ok? Your friend....Linda
— LindaA
April 21, 2008
Hey Tammie;
Girlfriend......., You have to do what YOU know is right. You will be in
my prayers as you go through the surgery. Hope to hear from you.
Tammie, Put your foot down with your family members/friends. You eat
whatever your doctor prescribes. Do not apologize for doing a great thing
for your health!!!!! Don't argue with folks who have no faith in your
decisions. We, who have had this wls, stopped caring what others think
about us. We started caring about our own good health and the ability to
live normally. I found that there are a lot of folks who JUST SIMPLY DON'T
WANT YOU LOSING WEIGHT! They fear the new you. They don't want you to
change. They may not even want competition from a "slimmer" you.
So stand fast in your convictions and do not let people "bully"
you. Yes, I mean bully. I went through thanksgiving, Xmas, Easter,
birthdays, etc. without a hitch for the first time in my LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I actually enjoyed these holidays as I cooked thanksgiving dinner for some
elderlys and ate appropriately. I didn't show up for Xmas dinner because I
had lost enough weight to actually go out & STAND for hours to
volunteer on that day. I forgot all about Easter because I was busy that
day too because I could move & walk! OK, I ate those days, but eating
was just eating. I now have memories of things I actually did on those
days! When relatives called, I sometimes refused dinner invites simply
because I had something else to do - I found other things worthy of
"love". When my mother-in-law moaned about her "fab"
meal that I was missing, I replied, "I've had your "meal"
for the past 20 years. I will not be there this year." I came to
realize that when I sit down to eat, nobody really cares WHAT you put on
your plate. THEY JUST DON'T CARE. So why should you care what they think
about your dinner plate? So go to the affairs that you really want to
attend. Just eat....., Depending on your stage you may have to take your
own food because you may not even WANT/DESIRE what's being served!!!!!!!
(I call ahead & ask - yes I ask!!! Sometimes, the cook will prepare a
few items that you prefer. I like spicy items LOL) Some people will try
to stop you. You can feel free to break it off with them until they learn
to respect your new position. THEY WILL COME AROUND TO RESPECT YOUR
WISHES. After the first few months, you will start to eat normal food
items again & then you can consume normal solids when you go out to eat
again. The wls was hard for me, but I would not trade it for all the
family dinners in the world. I am alive again. I will never go back &
no one...., no one...., will change my mind. You explain the procedure to
your family members - ONCE. Then you also need to tell them that there is
a lot more in life to love than food. MOM heard you so don't repeat
yourself - just don't falter with her. Tammie, watch the children at
these family dinners - affairs. They have a ball! The kids are full of
joy, energy, love, life, happiness. And yet, you have to "catch"
them to make them sit down to eat. LOL! Sit with the little folks - they
may be better company LOL!!! LOVE? Food addiction is not LOVE. You will
"LOVE" to walk again, cross your legs, shop for cute clothes,
stand for long periods of time, volunteer/work for others, and fit you body
inside the restaurant booths! You will love to be free of some medical
conditions. If your relatives can't see that being overweight is harming
you, then hold your head up VERY high & proceed alone. They will come
around "AFTER" you start seeing the perm results - yes permanent
weight loss....., Don't believe the lies, no matter how
"well-meaning" the family may think they are in helping you with
their "advice". Your MOM said, "....., never have any of
the things you "love" like Cake, Ice Cream, Pizza, Mexican ever
again? IT just ain't true. Your love of life will be redirected into
wholesome event/qualities to make your real life worth living again. And
yes, you CAN EAT and YOU WILL NEVER BE ALONE IN A CORNER EVER EVER AGAIN.
I hope you have faith because God wants you to have life & live it more
abundantly. After my wls, I have been blessed with finding new meaning to
this concept every day. You will never look back. Blessings!
— rtmazyck
April 21, 2008
— rina_mo
April 21, 2008
Tammy, I feel for you. There are a lot of people I wish hadn't known
before my surgery. My husband told EVERYONE including the cashiers at the
grocery store that I was having surgery. Me? I only told my parents,
husband and best friend. My parents were concerned (mom mostly) but they
know my struggles with weight. My dad turned out to be my biggest
supporter since he too has the battle. My mom? Her top pregnancy weight
with 9 lb baby me was 115. Like she gets the obesity thing. lol My
husband turned out to be the biggest letdown. He wasn't supportive at all.
I came home from the hospital and celebrated my birthday the next day. To
make it more fun, I had to drive my daughter to tutoring and to dance.
When asked what happened and why didn't I have surgery I pulled up my
shirt, showed my binder and drain and said "I did. Guess who is back
on the mommy job.". You have to be selfish. You're doing this for
YOU and no one else. You CAN have food again. You probably won't want it
or you'll just have a taste. I eat sugar free ice cream and love it! I
eat pizza. Just not half a pizza like I used to. lol Cake? Sure, I still
make them but I choose not to eat half of it. I started at 265.8 and was
142.8 this morning. I'll celebrate a year out next month. It's an AMAZING
adventure and you have to surround yourself with positive people. If MIL
isn't going to be supportive, keep her out of the information loop. Talk
to your hubby about how important it is to be positive. And, if his mom
can't be on board, you can't have her part of the team. Good luck to
you!!!!!
— lv2beasahm
April 21, 2008
2 words: Gherlin and Leptin !! Check them out.
— MAG
April 21, 2008
I have a great answer...check out the post by CHERI G from 04/04/08 on
the OH forums...( It will google under LISTEN)
It is titled" Id like to share this with all my friends"
Just give them a copy ... I would like you to read this, Hear it and
respect my decision...Case closed...
I am finding my best friend really difficult.( haven't told my Mother)
This friend is just Lobbying like crazy..I did this with her...Havent heard
another ci=omment. I don't think I changed her mind...but it. did shut her
up...Thats progress!
— [Deactivated Member]
April 21, 2008
Tammy I'm am going through the same thing as you but it's not with my
mother-in-law...it's my mom! She works for Weight Watchers and has been
with them for over 10 years. I'm 23 so she thinks I can do that diet even
though I have been doing it off and on for years. I've never lost more than
15 pounds. To her it looks bad to have an overweight daughter having
surgery to fix it because that's what she teaches. Unlike others that have
replied.. I tell almost everyone I know that I'm having the surgery so I
know what they think and if they will be there for me. Maybe your
mother-in-law doesn't agree with it because she doesn't know that much
about it. Inform her! I make sure everytime I learn something about it
(good or bad) I call and tell my mom. She is slowly coming around to the
idea. Everyone is different but for me to lose weight I need to have it
make me sick so I know to stop eating it. Good luck!
— megan23
April 21, 2008
Tammy, I feel for you. There are a lot of people I wish hadn't known
before my surgery. My husband told EVERYONE including the cashiers at the
grocery store that I was having surgery. Me? I only told my parents,
husband and best friend. My parents were concerned (mom mostly) but they
know my struggles with weight. My dad turned out to be my biggest
supporter since he too has the battle. My mom? Her top pregnancy weight
with 9 lb baby me was 115. Like she gets the obesity thing. lol My
husband turned out to be the biggest letdown. He wasn't supportive at all.
I came home from the hospital and celebrated my birthday the next day. To
make it more fun, I had to drive my daughter to tutoring and to dance.
When asked what happened and why didn't I have surgery I pulled up my
shirt, showed my binder and drain and said "I did. Guess who is back
on the mommy job.". You have to be selfish. You're doing this for
YOU and no one else. You CAN have food again. You probably won't want it
or you'll just have a taste. I eat sugar free ice cream and love it! I
eat pizza. Just not half a pizza like I used to. lol Cake? Sure, I still
make them but I choose not to eat half of it. I started at 265.8 and was
142.8 this morning. I'll celebrate a year out next month. It's an AMAZING
adventure and you have to surround yourself with positive people. If MIL
isn't going to be supportive, keep her out of the information loop. Talk
to your hubby about how important it is to be positive. And, if his mom
can't be on board, you can't have her part of the team. Good luck to
you!!!!!
— lv2beasahm
April 22, 2008
1. I would suggest taking her to a support group in your area and hear from
other people. My dad wasn't into me having surgery, he went to a few of my
6 month education classes and did a 180.
2. I am over a year (Feb. 15, 2007 - lap RNY). I eat whatever I want
(within reason) I eat pizza and eat Mexican. I don't eat pizza everyday,
but Vons has their own brand of health foods called eating right and they
have a BBQ Chicken pizza on thin crust that is to die for. I eat mexican -
I get tacos, take out all of the meat, toss it into my beans, add salsa and
eat. I have had a bite of two of ice cream and cake at a b-day party,
wedding, etc. but only a bite or two.
3. Truly, I don't want to eat all of the crap I did before. There are times
of course I crave chocolate, let's say (when I am PMS'ing) - I find a
suitable sub for it. Almost everyone makes a low fat, low carb, high
protein version of just about everything.
I think you are on the right track. Just keep EDUCATING people. That is
the best defense to those negative people. EDUCATION is key.
Good luck!
— jammerz
April 22, 2008
I eat pizza, Mexican, Japanese, and other things I have always loved. I
rally od not miss cake, and sweets though. You just eat in moderation, and
stop when you are full. We are not mutants because we have had this
surgery, and your family needs to be supportive. Good Luck!
— daisyrock3
April 22, 2008
Tammy, I feel for you. There are a lot of people I wish hadn't known
before my surgery. My husband told EVERYONE including the cashiers at the
grocery store that I was having surgery. Me? I only told my parents,
husband and best friend. My parents were concerned (mom mostly) but they
know my struggles with weight. My dad turned out to be my biggest
supporter since he too has the battle. My mom? Her top pregnancy weight
with 9 lb baby me was 115. Like she gets the obesity thing. lol My
husband turned out to be the biggest letdown. He wasn't supportive at all.
I came home from the hospital and celebrated my birthday the next day. To
make it more fun, I had to drive my daughter to tutoring and to dance.
When asked what happened and why didn't I have surgery I pulled up my
shirt, showed my binder and drain and said "I did. Guess who is back
on the mommy job.". You have to be selfish. You're doing this for
YOU and no one else. You CAN have food again. You probably won't want it
or you'll just have a taste. I eat sugar free ice cream and love it! I
eat pizza. Just not half a pizza like I used to. lol Cake? Sure, I still
make them but I choose not to eat half of it. I started at 265.8 and was
142.8 this morning. I'll celebrate a year out next month. It's an AMAZING
adventure and you have to surround yourself with positive people. If MIL
isn't going to be supportive, keep her out of the information loop. Talk
to your hubby about how important it is to be positive. And, if his mom
can't be on board, you can't have her part of the team. Good luck to
you!!!!!
— lv2beasahm
April 22, 2008
Tammy: There are some people who will NEVER support your decision no
matter WHAT you do. They prefer to keep you the way you ARE so that they
can feel better about THEMSELVES. I would not be concerned about your
Mother in Law's opinion. Worry about your HEALTH. Do what is right FOR
YOU.
I hope this helps,
Hugh
— hubarlow
April 22, 2008
Why not tell them that it is not about the food or the diet or even about
being thin as much as what you are going to give up is for your health...so
that you may enjoy a healthier life for yourself and your children. That
shut up my family.
— .Anita R.
April 22, 2008
Hi Tammy,
My answer to you would to be to explain to you MIL that obese people lack
that signal that tells them to stop eating when they are full. By having
the gastric bypass it will help your brain to know you are full and to stop
eating. If you were to do this on your own you would put your body into
starvation mode and gain weight instead of losing. If she still doesnt get
it then tell her that she can either be behind you in your decision to get
healthy or have complication that might result in death and leaving behid a
very unhappy son of hers. I didnt tell my MIL about lap band surgery
because I was afraid she would have the same reaction, but then again she
did tell my hubby not to marry me because i was too fat to give him
children.... People just don't understand if it is not something they are
going through. Tammy I support you 100% if you need anything let me know
:-)
— Rachelena
April 22, 2008
This works for me, maybe it will for you too! I tell people that I have
tasted and tried every typed of food in the world and come to the
conclusion that the first taste is the same as the 20th. So, why take 19
more bites of something that's not good for you and will just make you
unhappy that you ate it. My new goal is to eat things I want to eat that
are good for me, and I don't look back at all to the things that brought me
to the point of needing gastric bypass surgery. Don't miss 'em a bit.
Surgery 11/03 284 lbs., today 126 and happy.
Do what is best for you, and let your family learn to live with the change,
tell them not to mourn for someone who is choosing to live. Yours, Jo Ann
— PedalSteelGirl
April 22, 2008
Tammy...stop trying...it is a waste of time...put your energy and efforts
into your new life after the surgery...PUT YOURSELF FIRST...believe it or
not...Family Sabotage is common...people are threatened when you decide to
make such a life altering change...it's not right & not fair...but it
is true...I went from being the fattest person in my family to being the
thinnest...it is difficult for my family...the roles have been
reversed...they feel threatened by this weight loss...I cannot worry about
it, and you shouldn't...all our family events are centered around food and
I don't fit into that anymore...I would rather play a softball game and
they are all still trying to decide what or where to eat...it drives me
crazy...and now I am vegetarian and they just don't get it...TRUST ME, your
food preferences will even change after surgery...embrace it, Sister...this
is about YOU better You...not your family...Love & Celebrate this
beautiful change in YOUR life...it IS all about YOU!!!! Love &
Light...Samantha
— Samantha M.
April 23, 2008
Hi Tammy! I am going thru the very same thing right now. While I am being
"supported" by those closest to be, I am still hearing the same
questions that you are. It's difficult to hear, and difficult to express
the answers in words so that others will understand you. I like the idea
of some of the others on here to bring the loved one to an appointment or
info session with the surgeon. Sometimes hearing things from a medical
professional will make a person change their tune really quick. But you
don't owe it to them to make them understand. I think a lot of people
don't want us to change (at least in my case) so that we can still be their
crutch for the lifestyle they still have, yet we are trying to change.
It's hard to lose an eating and drinking buddy especially in our society
when everything is so food-centric.
Bottom line, this is a hard decision to make, but it's soley ours to make.
I wish you the best of luck, and I truly hope that she comes around and
sees what you are doing thru your eyes. :)
— [Deactivated Member]
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