Question:
How do you handle "not telling" people? Or telling those who are opposed to the surg
I was highly encouraged to tell my coworkers since they would notice my absence. I am a pretty private person but on my last day of work I told them. That didn't give them much time to make negative comments. I still have to tell my son, who is opposed. His exwife had the surgery and it was a bad experience for him. — Quinceydian (posted on March 24, 2007)
March 24, 2007
First of all, congratulations on your upcoming surgery... Tell your son,
but while you acknowledge that it was a "bad experience" for him
(whatever that might have been). It is your life and your health. He will
have to come to terms with his own issues and deal with them or not. If he
chooses not to deal with the issue at hand. Know that he ultimately loves
you and is probably just scared for you. And, move on. He will either get
over it or he won't... it is not your responsibility to make sure that he
is okay with it... he is an adult now.
— Kari_K
March 24, 2007
Goood Luck with your upcoming surgery. I found that most people that did
not know anything about life after the surgery, or like your son that had
bad experiences- they just needed to learn. WHEN I told my family and
friends, I told that that "IF" I were approved I was having the
surgery. No one was talking me out of it.Of course they were nervous, but
they were there for me, doing anything to help. And over the past 4 1/2 yrs
they have learned that it wasn't that bad....Things changed. But for the
better. I am healthier, Have more energy. And loving life..........
Ultimately it is "YOUR" decision. Once you make it, Stick with
it........ Good Luck
— Wendy1954
March 24, 2007
I agree with Kari. Also I was afraid my husband would not be as they say a
happy camper about my decision to have RNY but once I educated him a bit
about the reasons I wanted it and the turn around I would see health wise
he came on board and has been supportive. He even took care of me after
surgery. So go for it. Tell your son but be sure you explain your reasons
for the surgery. I am sure he wants to have his mom around for a long long
time to come. Good Luck and God Bless, Norma
— njkbutton
March 24, 2007
Dian: I am NOT a private person but chose to tell only a few co-workers
that I felt would not judge me. As time went on I started telling more
people. I work in a school and not everyone knows. I pick and choose who
to tell but I'm sure there are some blabbermouths who have shared with
others. At this point, I don't care! I've lost almost 60 lbs and don't
plan to gain it back so if my secret is out, so be it. On the other hand
your family needs to support your decision. I have two young adult sons
and thought they would be naysayers about wls. They have watched me
struggle with my weight and dieting their entire lives. When I told them
they both said they wanted a healthy mom and they were very supportive. My
husband was more "scared" than what the outcome would be because
he had heard about so many complications. I took him with me to meet the
surgeon and after that he felt much better! He was amazed at my speedy
recovery and how strong I was! To this day when people find out I had RNY,
most ask if I'm ok??? YES, I AM THINNER AND HEALTHIER so of course, I'm
more than OK! Good luck and don't tell anyone outside of your family
unless you feel comfortable. You don't need everyone monitoring your
progress. I like the element of surprise from people who haven't seen me
in a long time!
— Sheri A.
March 25, 2007
Dian....my life has been an open book to everyone in my life - friends,
family, my fiance' and everyone I come into contact with - basically. I
chose to tell everyone, and did. I explained that I would be having surgery
for weight loss. Before any questions or comments flew to the surface;
because I am doing it for me for my life and my future health. Obesity runs
in both sides of my family. Diabetes and other high this and that all run
in my family and I didn't want to walk down the same path as them, health
wise. I don't have anything physcially wrong with me currently (except for
the weight) and I didn't want anything to start. Plus, I want to be around
for whatever comes next in my life - marriage, kids, whatever. I wanted to
be healthy enough to see and enjoy it all. I told them about the 6-month
education class I took and that I was fully aware of the surgery, what was
to be done and how and what lifestyle changes I had to make over the course
of my life. Once I was finished with my 5 minute monologo - I asked them if
they had an questions re: the surgery and how it would affect me? It kept
the questions to questions and not comments and judgements. Out of the 30+
persons I told, only one person seemed apprehensive - a fairly good friend.
I pulled her aside at the party we were at and asked why she seemed so
against the surgery - she simply stated that she didn't like the though of
surgery - any surgery and that she was afraid of the complications of any
surgery. I assured her what my doc and surgeon told me; that I am 35 years
old, in good health (nothing truly wrong with me on paper) and that most of
the people having this surgery are in their 50's (average age) and that I
wanted to be proactive with my health and not reactive. After 1/2 hour of
just talking things out, she was great with my choice, even came to see me
in the hospital and dropped by when I was off from work to walk with me. My
motto - educate everyone you know so it's not such a hard subject. The
more people who know about the procedure, the lifestyle changes, etc. the
more people are educated....the less flak we will all get for having it. I
educated my friends, family, co-workers, acquaintances, etc. and now... you
know what? I've become in inspiration to others in my life - a good friend
went with me to all of the education classes -she learned so much from the
nutriention part that she has lost 20lbs by changing her lifestyle, eating
and exercising habits. My co-worker was a bit heavy and kept asking me
questions about nutrietion and portion sizes, etc. She's lost over 25 lbs.
in lifestyle changes, eating and exercise habits. My own fiance', because I
cook for both of us (as I always had) has lost around 10lbs. from my
cooking more light and healthy. Place a positive spin, educate and I think
you will be pleasantly surprised. I've had a WEALTH of support and with
support comes freedom - freedom to share, care for and support others. It's
been a great journey for me - I hope you can turn it around and seek out
the support you need and get your own army of supporters. It truly does
make a difference!
— jammerz
March 25, 2007
Dian ..Go to the head of the class?Best of luck to you in your journey.Take
it from someone that's only 4 months out and very happy.I, too was in the
same boat as far as co-workers and the like.I told only a few folk that I
was having the surgery.My attitude was that I wanted to hear Absolutely No
negative comments...especially if you don't contribute to my income!I
accepted only well wishes.For my son and others,I tried to educate him on
the actual procedure(photos & info) and what to expect.It's funny but
what I found was that the people that were against my surgery,were the very
ones that needed to be on the Next available table as well.I pray that this
is the most positive experience for you.Seeing the results, will make you
forget all about those that were not supportive of your healthy choice!!
— purnellj
March 25, 2007
Dian, hi, and thanks for your question. This was a real issue for me when
I had surgery (3 years ago). I did not want everyone to know because I
feared the negative comments. I did not tell my co workers. I told them I
had to have surgery and it was an "intestinal thing" that needed
fixing. When I began to lose weight and I was healthy with no
complications, then I said I had the surgery, but I told them when I was
ready, not when they were nosy. I feared that my Mother would have been
opposed, but she turned out to be very supportive which I was thankful for.
I worked at a local high school, and did not tell any of the students,
because I didn't want to promote this type of weight loss among teens. I
just let them assume that it was diet and exercise that produced the weight
loss. If I told a students parent, I asked them personally to not speak of
it to their child for that reason. My son kept my secret from them, but
then a teacher, without thinking, let the cat out of the bag in a class one
day. By then I was about 2 years post op, and I was ok with it. I run a
small business, and work around a group of women while I do. I told none
of them, and even pushed off their comments when I began to lose weight.
Then one day at lunch, they were all together, and I went to them and told
them. It was on my terms. This decision is yours. People outside your
family need to know ONLY if you want them to know. It is your decision.
You son, however, you need his support. I don't know why it was a bad
experience for him, you don't say, but I hope that you take the time to be
gentle with him, and ask him to consider you are different that his wife.
I don't know if being an ex wife has something to do with wls, but divorce
is honestly the biggest side affect of wls. Keep that in mind. It does
hurt many people, and they don't see it coming. I was determined to be the
same person post surgery as pre surgery, and spent a good deal of time
asking God for that very thing to be so. God answered my prayer, and I
think that I have more confidence and drive, but am the same person I was
prior. I was loving, giving and generous to a fault before, and I try hard
to continue that now. It is important for me to be thankful for what God
has given me, including my husband, and serve Him all the days of my life.
Many people, however, do change, and it does hurt others. Be gentle with
your son, let him know you understand his fears or that you want to
understand his fears, but you love him, and really would appreciate his
support. You love and need him too. As far as others, if you don't want
to let them know, make them guess, and then don't answer, the choice is
yours. I told my church family, adults only, no children or teens, because
they prayed for me. They didn't all understand, but they did pray, and I
appreciated that. After 3 years, I am still glad I did have the surgery.
I love to use it as a testimony of God's grace in my life. I hope this
helps, and have a good day! Patricia P.
— Patricia P
March 25, 2007
You didn't specify what type of bad experience your son had... if his
ex-wife had complications and health problems from, of course he will be
unhappy, scared, etc. Husband and wives may split up but most of us only
get one mom. Take him to an info session if he will go...and/or having a
conversation... ask him to be honest and share his concerns/fears/feeling
and then do the best you can to address those feelings/concerns. Best
wishes.
— mrsidknee
March 26, 2007
My father passed away two months before I had surgery. He was the only
person that wasnt crazy about me having this surgery. He was just scared
for me. I just told him everything that I have tried in the past few years
to lose weight and how nothing doesnt help. I also told him my health
problems associated to being overweight. He understood why I was going to
do it but he was still scare for me. I wish he was able to see how good Im
doing and the weight I have lost. Just tell your son and let him now how
much this means to you. Weather he agrees with the surgery or not, you are
going to need his support afterwards. Good Luck!
— barfiep01
March 28, 2007
i can't for any reason understand why it has to be a secret about the
decision the have WLS. I have people in my office that will ask me
questions about my journey and when I try to answer they act as if we were
plotting a jail break. Why should WLS be whispered about in back rooms
with the shade closed? It was not secret to everone around me that I was
huge (369.5 lbs) and that if I moved around too much that I sounded like a
train from my huffing and puffing to breath. If I had to have anything
else fixed no one would have negative opinions so why should they with WLS?
I've been told by fellow "fat"folks that I took the easy way out
and that I sould have done what they are doing ( which is NOTHING) to get
better. I tell as many people as I can about what a blessing WLS has been
for me because keeping secrets and lying to cover up things can make you
sick.
— leekenny
March 28, 2007
Thanks for all the response. One person made a statement about lying, etc.
making a person sick and saw no reason not to tell everyone. I'd like to
respond to that. You have been out of surgery for how long? Did you tell
everyone before surgery or just now? I would not lie, that was the dilemna
actually. I didn't want to share this with everyone but I also did not
want to lie, so I needed to know how to handle it. Perhaps I will feel
like sharing more after I am further along on the journey. For now, I will
share with those close to me, like family and friends. It's noone elses
business.
— Quinceydian
March 28, 2007
Well theres NO hiding the fast loss or changed eating habits and WLS is
common knowledge today. If you dont tell they will suspect cancer or AIDS,
WLS is nothing to be ashamed of its a medical procedure to save your life.
The only unsupportive people I have found are ones who either qualify
themselves, or have close friends family who qualkify and DONT want them to
do it. My step mom is like that!!:(
— bob-haller
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