Question:
My husband is finding it very hard to be supportive
My husband is finding it very hard to be supportive to me in my decision about wls. Im so upset and depressed already that this is just adding to it. He feels that if I really wanted to lose weight that I wouldn't need surgery. I should just be able to lose weight like everyone else. The problem is that I have been obese all of my life and on a million diets. I have never been successful and I am tired... He just doesn't seem to understand and I feel like I need his support. But in arguements when he says that I could do it if it was that important to me I just can't seem to put it in words that I can't. I need some good arguements any suggestions.... — [Anonymous] (posted on August 20, 1999)
August 19, 1999
Tell him that, despite how strongly he feels about it, as far as you're
concerned, he's wrong. Tell him that you believe you have two choices (and
statistically, the American Medical Association would agree with you) #1 be
this obese or heavier for the rest of your life, with the concurrent health
risks and early death, or #2 to have the surgery. Its as simple as that. If
he says he doesn't agree, tell him that he doesn't need to agree, that its
your decision and that you're the expert, since you've been living it your
whole life, not him. Also, you might gently suggest that the reason why he
has such negative feelings about your having the surgery is that he may be
worried that you'll leave him. This is fairly common with spouses of
patients having WLS. It sounds like he's more comfortable with your being
obese and failing at dieting, so that he can feel like he's in control. One
last note, I would supply him with a stack of info from the internet on
morbid obesity and WLS. Get those statistics from the AMA about how 95%
plus diets fail, and how morbidly obese people have almost no chance of
ever successfully keeping their extra weight off for ANY significant length
of time. Tell him that as far as your concerned, if you go along with his
suggestions and point of view, you'll die early and be in poor health for
all your life. Ask him if he wants to take responsibility for that. And
then if that doesn't work, get your support elsewhere. Find a friend or a
family member who will be there for you.
— Elizabeth M.
August 19, 1999
It is so difficult to try to explain the reasoning behind such a decision.
I have a huge family and some were supportive and some thought I was nuts.
When someone I cared about did not understand why I could not just
"diet", I was painfully honest with them. I asked them if they
thought I was lazy .... the answer was "no!", I would tell them
in great detail what it felt to walk down the street and feel ashamed of
myself, to hear people talking and laughing about me. Then I would tell
them that if I did not do something drastic that I would probably be dead
in 10 years. I had a real heart to heart with them and opened up and let
them see the emotion, yes there were alot of tears, but it made them think.
Then, I would tell them that essentially, this was my decision, and I had
made it already and asked them to please be supportive of me, but if they
could not be supportive, to leave the subject alone because I did not need
to hear any negatives. Your husband may be frightened right now, and
unsure ... but when you start feeling better and losing weight and becoming
healthier and happier ... he will understand why you did what you did.
There is also a flip side to this, that maybe you want to consider. Many
spouses fear what will happen when their partner becomes thin, will you
leave him? In many peoples minds your "safe" now ... no
competition. I am certainly not suggesting that this is your situation,
but it is the motive for concern in many situations. Good Luck!
— Mary Anne M.
August 19, 1999
— Dana K.
August 20, 1999
I am lucky that my husband is supportive of me on this now... but it did
take some convincing. First of all, you need to do this for YOU. Alot of
people don't understand why we would want to have this done. Many think it
is the easy way out. They are so wrong and so misinformed. What you need
to do is to educate your husband about this process. And let him know how
you feel. Also let him know that without the surgery and the weight loss,
your life will be shortened. One more thing, I have found that in talking
to my husband, I've learned that he is afraid... Not just the fear of the
surgery or complications, but of losing me once I am thin... I wish you
the best!
— Sarah D.
August 20, 1999
I don't know much about how heavy you are or how you feel about yourself
from your question but all I can say is that this is a very personal
decision. We all like to get encouragement from our mates when we make
life long decisions but in this case you are doing this to save your life.
To live longer and be happier walking and working and that is the important
thing isn't it????
Don't feel bad about yourself if you can't loose the weight on your own
with diet. There is millions of us out here that have tried and tried but
this surgery is the only permanent thing to help obese people keep the
weight off.
DO IT! YOU WILL NEVER LOOK BACK!!!!
— [Anonymous]
August 20, 1999
Hi, I was reading your post and wanted to respond to a comment you
made...(or rather your husband made). He said you should be able to lose
weight just like everybody else. Well, this is a great opportunity for you
to point out that you are just like everybody else and that only about 5%
of the people who do a diet program are successfull. EVERYBODY ELSE GAINS
IT BACK AND THEN SOME! However, I believe (correct me if I am wrong),
those who get WLS have a 97% success rate! What does your husband think
about that?
Good luck and remember you do have our support. HUGS!
— Sue S.
August 20, 1999
I understand all too much. My husband thought that if I ate less and tried
to excercise more-(running) (I cant run yet!) I would lose weight. I have
been giving him all the info from the lists and the sites. He now
understands it is NOT my fault! Try to re-inforce all the great things you
will be able to do with him AFTER surgery!
— laucol
August 20, 1999
I suppose that your husband is not morbidly obese. Perhaps though he could
lose 15-20 lbs to get
to an 'ideal weight'. Tell him to try and do that, and to keep the weight
off for a year. I expect
that it won't be too easy for him. I think that the situation with the
morbidly obese is that they
inherited a bunch of genes which make them fat. There are genes for their
fat cells, genes for their
level of metabolism, for their hunger center in their brain, and so on.
Many of these genes have
been beneficial to their owners during the past 20,000 or more years of
evolution. Heavier people
are not the ones to die first during a famine. However in our environment
now, where few do heavy
manual labor daily, and there is too much high calorie food everywhere,
those people who inherit
a lot of fat retaining genes 'have a problem, big time' Yes if you were in
a concentration camp
you would lose a lot of weight, but in the real world, dieting to the
degree it would take to lose
>100 lbs and keep it off is like asking someone to take 1 breath every
15 seconds, no more. It can
be done, but it is just about impossible. Hope this helps.
— Bruce B.
August 20, 1999
Hi! I suggest you first find out what his REAL issues are. Is it that he
doesn't want to be bothered with your down time? Or, what's more common,
is he affraid of loseing you? My husband is really afraid that something
will go wrong and he will be left all alone. We are very close and after
raising seven kids we are now empty-nesters. Some husbands don't want
things to change, and some are afraid that you will look for greener
pastures. (I understand the post-op divorce rate is quite high.) The
point is, until you know what his issues are there is no way of addressing
them. From my own experance, it takes understanding to make the fear go
away. Start talking, not argueing :o)
— Fran W.
August 20, 1999
Ahh, but you HAVE lost wt like everyone else. Over and over and over
again. Lose 15 lbs, gain 30. Lose 30, gain 45. And so on. Since the
National Institutes of Health say you CANNOT diet the weight off, why would
anyone else a bit less learned think you CAN? That's much like fighting
cancer or diebetes with will power. It simply doesn't work. If you could
burn a calorie you would, no doubt. Also, please have him show you ONE
person who's dieted and kept their weight off for life. Can't do it.
UNfortunately, we don't burn calories, we store 'em. Please check out our
web site to see how this surgery worked for us. If I was burning calories
like "everyone else", then I woudl've died from the surgery. I'm
5 yrs post op and my husband's 4. If we were "normal", having
our calories cut to this degree would've killed us. I guess you know, my
husband was also unsupportrive in the beginning. Took him 9 months of
watching the weight come off, and my health only IMPROVE to change his
mind.
— vitalady
August 21, 1999
Hi- I'm sorry I didn't catch your name, but You might want to call the
Bariatric Treatment Center at 1 800 282-0066 and ask to receive the video
tape on the operation. It explains why for some people that the operation
is necessary. YOur husband doesn't accept what he doesn't understand.
KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. The more knowledge the more power. Understand gives
us the openness to know how to support. We are destroyed for the LACK OF
KNOWLEDGE. And this is not his fault; he just needs some knowlege to
abait the fear. Help him out so he will have the gentleness to be there
for you.
Good Health. Sheila- RNY- March 26.99-(82 pounds down)
— Sheila W.
August 21, 1999
Hello my name is Tonya. I am hoping to get the surgery done
also. My husband feels the same way. He will tell me to just go on a
diet, or why don't you just quit eating. When you look at the whole
picture your husbands words could be coming out of jealousy. My husband
mentioned to me that when I get thin I will find me someone else. He feels
threatened that this new lifestyle is going to make you a more beautiful
person with a new outlook and self esteme.
You just have to ensure him that you love him and that you want him now and
later on. Remind him how proud he will be when he introduces his new and
improved wife to everyone. Dont let this get you down. Just keep in mind
how much energy you will have and how you will feel. This will be a
wonderful new step for your relationship. I feel like this operation will
increase your marriage 100%. That's how I get my self through it. I pray
your operation is a success.
Your Friend,
Tonya
If you need to talk
I am at [email protected]
— tonya A.
August 21, 1999
I understand your frustration, even from a male's perspective. My wife also
never understood and said some of the same words your husband has said.
Then as time went by she changed her views and came to accept the truth.
The truth is that we do lose weight just "like everyone else
does". Real permanent success for morbid obesity is probably less than
one percent outside of surgery. Even those who have small amounts to lose
are only 5 percent successful. The "diet industry" is the perfect
market in that it offers many false dreams and creates repeating customers
that just spend and spend.
People like us need the tools that the surgery gives us in order to lose
weight. Your husband could maybe finish a project around the house if he
had the right tools, but without them it wouldn't get done, or get done
right so that it would last.
Sometimes in life we have to just do what we know is right for us and let
the others figure it out in the long run. If the person who needed this
surgery was not you, but a child of yours, or a sister, or a close friend,
you would know that it was right for them and tell them so. Your experience
with trying to diet has taught you many valuable lessons in what works and
what doesn't. Others who have never had this problem just cannot
understand. They have no experience and therefore no commonsense about it.
So just hang in there, and let the success of the surgery speak for itself.
— Ken C.
August 22, 1999
Hi. My name is Kathy. My husban is Steve. When I first started talking
about having this surgery he didn't know if he wanted me to go through it
or not. I started going to the support group meetings and was getting a
lot of information from people who had already had the surgery and I was
excited. My insurance approved me to have the surgery, a date was set, and
I was going to have the surgery. I finally talked Steve into going to one
of the support meetings with me so that he could talk to people who had
been through it. This helped a great deal. I had my surgery in Oct. of
1998 and I have lost 143 pounds. It has gone very smoothly for me and now
my husband is wanting to have the surgery also. Good luck
— Kathy K.
August 22, 1999
I too found it impossible to lose weight. I felt like an alcoholic or a
drug addict when it came to food. I would get up in the morning and say
this is the day I am going to start and by lunchtime I was doing the same
thing I always did, and hating myself because I was so weak. I knew from
the time I heard about wls that it would work for me.I needed something
that would make me have to do it because I couldn't. When you are so
overweight, your metabolism doesn't work, making it even harder to lose.I
took my husband to my surgeons office with me and he explained to him about
the sickness of obesity.If people could only realize that it is a sickness!
I felt so out of control and couldn't do anything to stop it. It was just
so overwhelming to me.I had the surgery in April of 98 and so far I have
lost 159# with 41 more to go, in 16 mo. I feel better than I ever have, my
health problems are mostly gone(I still have asthma very slightly). If you
would like to know more feel free to contact me again. Thanks Jan Terry
— Jan T.
August 22, 1999
Obviously your husband has never been morbidly obese. My husband of 28
years still weights the same as when we were married. Still as slim as
ever. He saw the struggling that I went through for 26 years. He
understood when I told him that it was the answer to my prayers. I told
him that I needed to do this for me, not for him or anyone else. The extra
weight was killing me slowly. I had to do something.Obviously dieting
wasn't working and I hate exersize. Bring him with you to a support group
meeting. He will see how happy everyone is that has had the surgery and
what a big difference it has made in our lives.
— Ellen M.
March 20, 2000
The best thing to do is get your hubby to seminar's or group meetings. Once
my husband and family learned about the procedure and the doctor and
listened to before and after stories. Now there all as jazzed as me
— Mary S.
March 20, 2000
My boyfriend has been fairly supportive. I told him he better be,
otherwise I was going to dump his butt when I got thinner and better
looking. Of course, any time he has complained about my weight in the
past, I have pointed out to him that it was a small thing like that that
kept me from getting a better man, so he probably has reason to be
nervous....
— merri B.
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