Question:
Just told my mom who is very against the surgery. (hugh sigh)
Hi everyone. Well up to this point things had been going great. Getting all my appointments in, and telling a few close friends who are very supportive. I had been dreading telling my parents about it, and finally late tonight (when I thought the opportunity was good), I told my mom about the surgery. She is totally against it and feels that the surgery itself is too risky and very unnecessary. Ironically she is the one who has done nothing but harp on my weight since I was a child, and I am devastated that she doesn't agree with it. She just can't understand why I can have the discipline I do at work, church and with other activities and not simply be able to control my weight with diet and exercise. I went into the whole genetics thing, but clearly she is not even open to the idea that I am not totally to blame for my weight. I knew it would be risky telling them, and I knew there were only 2 choices - being supportive or being unsupportive. But I guess I was harboring a dash of hope that she would be agreeable. I will certainly still move ahead with it. My decision is made, but it really hurts. Can anyone relate to this out there? Please help. I rerally need support right now. Thanks so much. — Paula G. (posted on March 26, 2000)
March 26, 2000
Paula, I know the disappointment you must be feeling. My family also did
not support my decision. When I initially told them about it, I also
heared the "lack of discipline" refrain, reminding me what a
failure I was, etc. Then they bring up all the 'friends of a friend' that
had the surgery and died and regained all their weight plus more (in that
order). They never asked a single question or expressed any interest in
the surgery (this was really more hurtful than the ridicule). I needed
their help and support during surgery and throughout recovery. All they
ever said was "don't do this" and "you are so stupid for
doing this". About a month before my surgery, I told them that I
wasn't going to change my mind and that anything negative that they had to
say about my decision or the surgery would jeopardize my well being. (I
think everyone should put their foot down with their families to keep their
negative comments to themselves as your surgery date nears -- I let them
know I only wanted to hear 'positive things') So, they continued to say
nothing. They were there for me in the hospital, and I stayed with them
for 2 weeks during recovery. They were wonderful every step of the way. I
felt loved, supported and nurtured. My family may not choose to have the
surgery for themselves, may WISH that I did not have the surgery, (I wish I
didn't have to have the surgery!!!), but they totally supported me. I
guess I don't care whether they agree with me or not -- they were there for
me, which is what I really wanted and needed from them, rather than their
agreement or concurrence or consent I'm sorry I babbled on and I'm not
sure if I've assisted you in any way. Your mother loves you and is worried
about you - thats whats behind her comments. Would she be willing to go to
a support group or meet with your doctor? Is there anything you can do to
reassure her? If not, remember that this surgery is for YOU and no one
else. It would be great if she could see it through your eyes, but that
may not happen. Please email me if I can help in any way.
— Toni B.
March 26, 2000
I know exactly where your coming from. My mom is 73 and would weep
whenever i brought up the subject..geez...she was so afraid something was
going to happen to me...finally i got a little angry and told her quite
pointedly that i was 46 years old, had diabetes that was progressing so
quickly i was almost sure i would end up losing one or more of my
feet...and i was going to live the rest of my life the best i could...she
finally backed off, on the Q T would share her concerns with my
husband...we never gave her any details of the surgery or recovery..just
the old im doing great i feel fine routine...she is now bragging to her
sister about my progress...go figure...!! have the surgery...she'll
survive and SO WILL YOU!!!!!
— Shelly G.
March 26, 2000
I know it is very hard for you right now. But you have to do
what is right for you not your parents. My MD and ministers
wife were both dead set against me having the surgery. But
I went through with it anyway. I lost the weight and am
healthy in every way. And now they both think it was a good
choice for me. Your mother may or maynot come around after
you have lost the weight. But like I said you have to do for
you, and your health. I wish you luck. And I whole heartedly
support you. Go for it.
— chris M.
March 26, 2000
Paula, boy do I understand what you are going through. I dont only have my
mom but my sister as well telling me I am going to die and I that have been
fat all this time why do this now. At the same time they are telling me
about someone who it didnt work for and they gained all the weight back. I
should just stick to a diet and then I would lose the weight. The thing
that is so ironic about all they are saying is they are both overweight as
well. I know it hurts and that all you want is support and love. I hope
your mom comes around for you but know that you have people here who
understand and will give you the support that you need to help you throught
this. HUGS
— Kathie H.
March 26, 2000
My grown kids were very much against my surgery and my husband took some
convincing. But I went ahead anyway with just his suppport and now, 120
lbs. later, everyone thinks it was a great decision. Seeing is definitely
believing.
When they see how great you are doing a year from now they will come
around.
— Carol M.
March 27, 2000
Ironic, isn't it? Your mom's been harping for decades about your weight,
and when you finally take control of it, she gets weirded out. There can't
possibly be any other explanation for your weight other than you're a lazy,
undisciplined, self-indulgent slob. On some level, that's an image she can
deal with, is comfortable with, and is able to exercise some measure of
"power" over you with. Really, there are those with vested
interests in keeping us heavy. The best advice I can give you is some that
was given to me about six months ago, after my grandmother died. We were
very close, and, even though she was 95 and very ill, it hurt like crazy
when she died. I'm one of those people who needs to talk about feelings,
and, unfortunately, I married someone whose approach to problem solving is
"sweep it under the rug and stomp on it a few times -- maybe it'll go
away." Three days after Nana died my husband turned to me and said,
"Oh, for God's sake, aren't you over that yet?" When I told this
to a friend, he said that I should tell my husband I accept his inability
to comfort me, but please not to impose that inability on me. Tell your
mother you accept that she does not support you (because you really don't
have a choice here), but ask that she not impose her non-support on you.
Even if that means you don't talk to her every day anymore, or whatever.
You must do what is right for you -- with or without Mommy's approval.
— Cheryl Denomy
March 27, 2000
Paula,
I too have a mother who was always embarrased about my weight (and how it
effected her life). My mother has always been a small person (my father
was very large). I told her of my decision and she was not supportive at
all, in fact she told me that i should be like the guests on one of Opera's
shows(these people had "discipline" why couldn't i?) No matter
how many times i have tried to tell my mother how hard it is for me to lose
weight I am always put down, I must be a really bad person. After being
told that for so long you start to believe it!
I have been trying to find the right surgeon for me. I am doing this for
me. It would be nice to have my mother's support but it is no imperative to
my life. Too bad for my mother, when I do lose the weight I will know that
I did it for me, after all I am the one who has to live with my decision.
I wish you luck in your journey. Find people who will support and
congradulate your decision. Keep those people close to you and apreciate
them. You deserve to have good, warm, and supportive people around you.
You are worth it. Your life is about to begin, with or without family
support!
— twenc
March 27, 2000
Paula, Don't let the opinion of others get you down. The first thing you
need to do is research and find out everything you can about the type of
surgery you will have, the Doctor who will perform the surgery and the
hospital where it will be done. My biggest help in convincing others was
my knowlege of the surgery. Show your mom that this is not simply a
whim...give her facts. Show her that you are serious by researching and
researching and then research some more! No doubt, she probaly thinks it
is drastic or extreme and dangerous. Convince her that this is not the old
"Stomach Stapling" of years past. This is a safe approach to
weight loss. She is more than likely just worried. I went through this
with my husband and family. But the more they found out about the surgery,
the more supportive they became. Involve your mother in your consultation,
if she will go. As a matter of fact, insist on her going. You and she
will be glad you did. Hang in there, dear. By the way, how did your dad
react? And you never mentioned your age. Good Luck, Paula!
— Pamela B.
March 27, 2000
Dear Paula,
When I read your post, it brought tears to my eyes, I know the feeling
girl..My mother is SO Oppossed to it..She wouldnt even speak to me when I
told her about wanting to have the surgery, and well its been about 4
months ago, and Ive only tried to speak to her about the surgery one other
time, but finally last week when my own little girl had to have surgery,
and my mother was there, did she look at me, and say Do you understand now
how I feel. I Knew what she was thinking the whole time. She was afriad
this surgery was going to kill me, and that i was doing this to Look good,
and not for the right reasons. She had been told horror stories about what
happen to people, and she had been convinced of the myths of surgery too.
But that day it opened up communication between us again about this
surgery( my mother and i are VERY close) And we have never even disagreed
with each other before this. So it was a huge shock to me, when she treated
me like that. Today she and I went shopping and I made sure that I had some
of my research with me so that her and I could talk, and she could read
some, and that maybe she would understand that If i dont have the surgery i
could die anyway...So Just hang in there, and try to understand that your
mother loves you and she is afraid, and yet try to help her understand that
this is your decision AND YOURS ALONE! *smiles* If you need a friend, or
just want someone to listen, Feel free to email me anytime....Someone in
your Shoes****Ann
— Ann A.
March 27, 2000
Hi Paula, I really cant relate to this problem, cuz me and my mother had
the surgery. But, I have heard lots and lots of stories where mom or dad
disagreed with the surgery, and then later became very supportive after
watching their child succeed at the surgery. I am so glad that you are
still going to have the surgery. You need to do this for yourself. And,
just maybe your mom will change her mind later, I really hope she is one
that will change her mind when she sees how successful you become with
losing the weight with this gift. Paula, I wish you lots of luck. You
have my support if that helps.
— Lee Ann B.
March 28, 2000
Paula,
When I first heard my sister was going to have her open RNY I was appalled.
She must have been nervous telling our parents as well, because she waited
until she was approved and her date was set. They found out about it
through her now ex-husband and were hurt that she hadn't told them. Even
up to the surgery date, they supported her, but not the surgery. However,
after talking to her and after doing some research on my own I changed my
mind. So much so that I am now waiting for insurance approval for my own
RNY. I did include my parents, my husband and my best friend from the very
start of my decision process. Ffter seeing the wonderful affect it has had
on my sister's life, My parendt are completely supportive. My husband,
however, has been another story. I finally took him to a support group
meeting, where my surgeon just happened to be speaking and he also has done
a 180 degree turn and is now supportive, most days. Some days he still
gets frightened, but if he wasn't I'd be worried. My best friend, who
basically is my second sister, is very against the surgery, but supports me
in whatever I think is best for me. I guess what I really want to say is,
include your dear ones as much as you can. Share as much information with
them as you can. Ask them to support you, even if they can't support the
surgery. If they can't do that, find other support. This a good place to
start; go to support groups, believe in yourself. You are taking control
of your life and even more importantly, saving your life.
— Sharyle L.
March 31, 2000
I can relate only it's my husband. I am so hurt that he will only voice
his opinion against the surgery. We have been married for 16 years and he
knows better than anyone the pain I have went through both emotionally and
physically and it really hurts that he won't make an effort to learn more
about the surgery.
— Tami G.
March 31, 2000
Isn't it amazing how adults do the "hold their hands over their ears
and go LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA"? Since I have had only minor resistance to
me pursuing this, I may be off base, but if anyone questioned my ability to
review the facts and make a decision consistent with my values, I would
politely thank them and then proceed to do whatever I damn well wanted to.
Fondly,
— merri B.
May 17, 2000
boy can i relate , i had everything set up and decided to talk to my mother
about it, well she was upset and said that she couldnt support me because
she couldnt support the surgery. so i dropped the subject but deep down i
knew i was right about having the surgery so the thursday before i told
everyone i was having the surgery with or without their support. i have
been on pills i have lost weight only to gain it back and i told them i
wont and willnot take anymore pills. yes they were upset with me for not
giving them more time but they eventually came around ....
my husband is supportive and so are my kids if you feel this is what you
need to do for you do it...do go thru the rest of your life wondering what
if...im sure glad i didnt
i have several friends who have been my main support and its been
wonderful... your family will come around when they realize your
serious...good luck
— Dawn D.
August 11, 2000
Hi Paula, I had the same problem with my mom. It really hurt me that she
was so against it. (considering my mom is overweight and has health
problems) It seems like my whole life she has been that way. She is
convinced that I was never "fat" as a child and I am imagining
it. (I don't think she has looked at pics of me lately as a child) She
thinks that god has put me here to be the way I am and to accept it. It's
weird, my best friend had the surgery done last February, and she supported
her every step of the way. It just makes me want to scream!!! My father is
behind me 100%. He thinks it is the best decision I ever made, and it was
harder for me to tell him. Sometimes, I think our parents just want the
best for us, but do they really know?? I know in my heart this is best for
me, and you have to know that too. We have to make our own decisions, and
we have to make ones we can live with. I support your decision 100% and if
you ever want to talk, or email me, I would be more that happy to help if I
can. Good Luck!!! :)
— Michelle P.
August 11, 2000
Hi Paula, I just read your post. Isn't it funny how we each think/feel
differently? I was feeling upset because my mom DIDN'T resist it in any
way! But then, you'd have to know our history to understand that. My
other sisters are the "pretty" ones (her words), and she is
hyper-anxious over anything to do with them, then there is myself and my
other sister, who she doesn't seem to care much about... Funny how these
family dynamics work! Try not to let it stress you or upset you, she is
afraid of losing you because of her perception of the surgery, and
truthfully there is risk, so it is ok for her to worry just try to comfort
and educate her. My sister is very against it (she had a supervisor who
had it and died afterwards), but she is going to go to another city with me
and stay by my side (she is upset to that my mom is SOOOOO supportive or
indifferent to it). She will have to miss work and everything, but she
wants to be there and do what she can to help me come through for my
grandkids' sake! Hope it all works out! Take care and good luck! (We
care here!)
— Tina C.
August 4, 2001
— Julie N.
February 20, 2002
I had the same problem - what's unique here is that my mom is in the
medical field (she's an inpatient pharmacist for a large hospital). I told
her a few months ago that I was thinking of having surgery...her reply?
You're not having surgery. CONTROL FREAK! It reminded me of when I was a
teenager and she refused to recognize that I suffered from depression and
needed help. She managed to stay in denial about this through a year of
self-abuse and self-mutilation that I DID not try to hide, suicide attempts
that she never found out about, and 3 months of living in the basement and
coming out only for food and to use the bathroom. Her total lack of
support is a sad testimonial to the attitude of health care professionals,
not to mention of some parents out there. She then lectured me for an hour
and a half about doing water aerobics and going camping with them to take
part in their long nature hikes. (Did I mention that she's never weighed
more than 120 lbs in her life??) I wanted to cry. I honestly spent the
next day trying to find somewhere to rent a weighted fat suit so that she
could carry another 200 lbs around with her for a day - or maybe on one of
her nature hikes?? (Wouldn't one of those be wonderful to use with bosses,
coworkers, doctors, and all those other people who just don't get it??)
Anyway, there was no point in arguing with her. She didn't even have her
facts straight because she's so against it she doesn't bother to keep up
with the WLS technology and advances. So, she won't know. Not until after
a year or so when I can show her my scar and laugh in her face. She said
I'm too young to have the surgery. (I'm 23). I say I'm too old to waste
any more years in this prison of a body. You're not alone.
— Any78way
February 20, 2002
I feel like such a chicken. My mom is 81, Im 48. She is taking me to the
hospital and feeding my cats,but....she thinks I am having a hysterectomy.
So let's hope I dont need one of those anytime soon. My mother is frail and
very hard of hearing. If I tried to explain it to her, the whole
neighborhood would hear me. So we will leave it as it is, and Ill warn the
DOC to be very general.
— Connie M.
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