Question:
Just told husband about consult appointment & he's mad I didn't include him earlier
He says I already have my mind made up, but it's not. My initial consult is in 3 days & I will take whatever advice my surgeon has--to go ahead with the surgery or not. My husband thinks that this is the "easy" way out & that I should just "buck up" and exercise and eat right now--without surgery. I tried to tell him that I've been there, done that, I have done my research and I think this is what I want to do, but he's not supportive. What can I do? — Julie P. (posted on June 15, 2001)
June 15, 2001
Has he been here and read the information on this site? My DH was a bit put
off about it at first also, but I sat him down in the chair and had him
read a number of things here and at several other web sites. Needless to
say, when he finished, he was completely supportive of my decision, even
though I hadn't gone to my PCP for the referral yet.
— Dee P.
June 15, 2001
Ask your husband straight out what it is that is bothering him. It may be
that he is afraid of the risk of losing you, afraid of you
"changing" due to the weight loss, or he may be one of them
people who have the mentality that weight loss CAN be done if you
"just have the will power" and the wls is the weak way out. Ask
him to sit down and reveiw information on this site and/or others. Even if
he is against it ask him to please just do this for you. Hopefully he will
get some insight and understand. If he doesn't, you need to just go ahead
and do what you need to do. IF after all that information is given to him
he still doesn't understand then he will just have to deal with it and look
at the fact that it is what YOU want and need, His love for you will have
to outweight his fears and/or insecurities. Any husband should have a love
that strong for his wife. It may be after when he sees the actual changes
in you he will understand and be supportive or it may be he will get worse.
Take care of yourself and the rest will follow.good luck to you and don't
let anyone take away from you what you know in your heart you need.
— [Anonymous]
June 15, 2001
my husband was against wls too. hes afraid something will happen to me. we
r in the prime of our lives. the children r grown & on their own &
we r going to be grandparents for the first time.
— sheryl titone
June 15, 2001
my husband was against wls too. hes afraid something will happen to me. we
r in the prime of our lives. the children r grown & on their own &
we r going to be grandparents for the first time so i understand his
feelings. but i explained to him that he has to understand mine. i told him
that i have done hours & hours of research & the main thing i found
out is that i will die quicker of my morbid obesity than i will from the
surgery. he accepted this but was still skeptical. we had a cardiologist
appt 2 weeks ago with a new dr (new for us) & i told him we will
discuss the matter with the dr & see what he says. he was agreeable to
this. after my exam the drs exact words were...u know u r going to die a
very early death? i said yes that i was aware of that & then i told him
about the wls i had researched. his response almost made me cry!
'wonderful!' he said. that will save ur life because u will lose weight
& u have to stop smoking. i will take good care of ur heart in the
meantime. in fact, i am going to do all my pre op testing on u starting
next week cause i have a lot of tests i want to do & this way we will
have all the results for the surgeon when u see him in august. so hubby
asked him if he thought it was safe for me to have the surgery. his answer
was...as long as i am satisfied with all the test results...by all
means!!!! u know, if she doesnt have the surgery she doesnt have a very
long life span. so hubby feels alot better now. last week we met with our
new pcp who gave us the same diagnosis (prognosis?) about my life span
& the same happy comments about me having the surgery!!! hubby is
really ok with this now! maybe once ur hubby gets to consult with ur
surgeon & hears it from him he will feel better too. i come from a
family of skinnies on one side & morbidly obese on the other. my
daughter (size 8) felt the same way ur husband does until the day a girl
who was out sick for a couple of months came back to work. yup...it was wls
& she was so much healthier & thinner that my daughter told her
about me. the co-worker gave her all the sites for me to research
unknowingly that i have already researched them all. hahaha. now my
daughter too feels better.
thin people just dont have a clue to what we struggle with. be patient with
him.
good luck!!!!
sheryl
— sheryl titone
June 16, 2001
From your question I thought he was mad because it didn't give him the time
to learn and support you as you learned.. so what, he's really mad because
it gave him less time to insult your intelligence by telling you you could
just 'buck up' and do it another way? How insecure is he? Agreed he may
just be afraid of losing you but come on, all of us who have lived our
lives morbidly obese have had those boyfriends and husbands who were only
with us because they figured we were doormats and desperate? (Forgive me
for sounding bitter but I have been used THREE TIMES as a 'beard' for gay
men who convinced me that they loved me, only for me to find out later on
what was really up!) This probably isn't the way your husband is, but this
just brought back memories of one boyfriend who sabatoged my attempts to
lose weight at every turn..
You have to do what you know is the right thing for you, you are the one
destined to live in your body no one else.
I wish you the best of luck.
— [Anonymous]
June 20, 2001
Listen honey,I feel and know what you are going through.My husband has the
exact same attitude ,I did the same thing you did.I wanted to get as much
information that I could before I brought it to his attention,because I
wanted to be well informed so I could explain and inform him just as
well,and needless to say he felt that I too had gone behind his back and
already made the decision without him,which waas not so,and yes he too said
just diet and excercise and i'll lose wieght,well duh i hve tried that for
years,when I first began to gain weight i tried everything known to man and
as he can see I have gained more than I have ever lost.I know this is your
husband and I can't tell youwhat to do.I am in my first stages of the
surgery process as well and I have aalready had numeerous disagreements
with my husband and I have told him that this issue is not debateable,I am
going through with this,and if my marriage is going to suffer because of it
then that makes me beleive that it wasn't that solid to begin with,because
i am not happy with myself and my marriage is suffering already because of
it,and if Iwa nt to do something to make me feel better so I can regain my
slef esteem and be a better perosn,wife and mother I feel he should supprt
me.I have come to the conclusion that husbands who won't support their
wives in such a very important decision have issues of their own,and i feel
that mine just wants to keep me fat and in the bedroom and HIS life would
be wondeful,he has told me manytimes even before I considered surgery that
he often has a dream that i lost weigt and I left him,those are not my
intentions in the least,but I can tell you,if he stands in my way about
this surgery that is strong possibilty even now.I need to do this because I
have serious health problems and for me this is my only option.Continue to
talk to him and see if he changes his mind,if not remember that this is you
body and your life if you don't do something now yoyr obesity may end you
life and how would he feel about that.Good luck to you and if you need a
surgery buddy contact me anytime [email protected]
— scencemi
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