Question:
Is anyone else really considering an affair
I am a 31 year old wife and mother who has been Overweight for most of my life. I also have a really great shape that is showing now that the weight is coming off. Currently, I weigh 200 lbs and look damn good with clothes on and not half bad with them off. Many people have been complimenting and showing much attention, I am seriously considering having an affair with one of them. Any advice? — Consuella G. (posted on February 2, 2004)
February 2, 2004
I wouldn't. This has been a concern for my boyfriend of 4 years. I'm
planning on having the surgery this year and he thinks I'll leave him when
I'm thin. He fell in love with me for me. I've always been big, and he
thought I was beautiful anyway. I love him alot and I don't want to risk
losing what we have for someone who will give me time of day when I'm thin.
— coco8199
February 2, 2004
Oh my gosh.....Don't! Run don't walk to seek a therapist's help. You have a
famliy to consider. I can understand you looking attractive and getting
compliments/attention. Would it be worth it to loose your family, though?
You need professional help. Loosing weight does not guarantee happiness
with having flings...I would think. Of course, I'm quite happy with my man
of 34 years. He loved me thin and obese and stuck with me. I'm not nearly
going to stray away from him now, even though I look hot/young/thin! lol
Oh,and he knows it! But, he's always looked like a hunk....Good Luck!
— Hazel S.
February 2, 2004
seems to me if you have been overweight all of your life that you have alot
of self esteem issues. your 31 years old....doesn't your question seem
really twisted and selfish to you? you might look good, but having an
affair isn't going to make you feel good except for about 10 minutes. do
you still think so little of yourself that you need other people to make
you feel worth something? YOU are worth something right this minute.....i
think your husband and your child think you are worth alot to them too. you
need to ask yourself WHY you want to have sex with someone else. is it
because you aren't in love with your husband or you just want to flaunt
your new body? if your not in love with your husband get help or a divorce.
if you just want to flaunt your new body and get fake attention from
men....get a divorce. respect yourself and your family. remember you could
always be that sexy untouchable woman that men can ONLY look at but never
never touch.
— franbvan
February 2, 2004
umm i think i should have read your profile BEFORE i answered your
question. when i read your profile i had to laugh. you are very stuck on
yourself. you think women envy you because you are soooooooooo beautiful.
you "might" be pretty, but your attitude is really ugly. remember
it isn't the entrance that makes a beautiful woman, but the exit. what kind
of exit do you think you will leave in your 4 children's eyes if you have
an affair? be a real woman and end the first relationship(your marriage)
before you start a new one.
— franbvan
February 2, 2004
My thought are shame on you. You have 4 kids! How embarrassing for them
when people find out and they will. Don't let your new body go to your
head. Chances are the most impressed person with the new you is the old
you! If your not satisfied with your husband to that point then get mariage
counseling or get a divorce. Cheating is unfair to your family and to
yourself.
— Carrie D.
February 2, 2004
Is it *really* worth ruining the lives of 7 people (your 4 children, your
husband, the man you are considering having the affair with and yourself)
by having this affair?
<p>
Yes, it is nice to get the attention of people now that we are losing the
weight - even though society does put too much value on appearance, but
don't do this.
<p>
Please seek counseling for you and your husband before your make such a
dreadful mistake...JR
— John Rushton
February 2, 2004
Maria,
I dont know about your relationship but here is my opinion
anyway...The man you are with right now is the man that loves you for YOU!!
He loved you even though you were over weight and most of all he loves the
INNER YOU! All these other men may love the way you look but how could you
jeopardize the life with your husband and children for a one night stand.
I say you need to focus your sexy energy on your husband and show him how
much you truely love him!!
sorry if this isn't what you wantd to hear but come on girlfriend...life is
too short, love the one your with.
Lisa
— Lisa C.
February 2, 2004
DON'T! I've been there, you will regret it for the REST of your life.
— Lisa D.
February 2, 2004
The male attention is very flattering to say the least but to ruin your
children's lives and yours, too, is not worth it. Your husband has been
with you thru thick and thin. It is sad but this is what happens so many
times when people lose weight. They are looking good and suddenly they
decide their mate is not good enough for them. Be very careful.
— Delores S.
February 2, 2004
I feel sorry for your husband if you really have that attitute like you
have in your profile. Quit being selfish. I agree with the other posts on
this question.
— Connie B.
February 2, 2004
I'm not sure if this is "in your defense" but PLEASE REMEMBER,
often times, when females lose alot of weight, they hormones go HAYWIRE
(just like mine) Since surgery on and off, I've been an emotional
rollercoaster, There have been times I've doubted my WONDERFUL/LOVING
relationship- And I'll be honest, I even did consider having an affair with
an "old fling" but of course reality hits, and you must look at
"WILL IT BE WORTH IT?" Im a strong believer that cheating is
TERRIBLE, and my suggestion, if your not happy in your marriage- then do it
the right way- and get out FIRST :) Take some "me time" to
really go over your life- and remind yourself, that our hormones sure can
get WEIRD while we are losing weight. Best wishes Kim
— WABBIT F.
February 2, 2004
Honey, I'll admit I'm very old fashioned . . but, if you're married, having
sex with someone other than your spouse is just plain wrong! Would you like
it if he cheated on YOU? Hmm?
— lorien
February 2, 2004
what happened to your committment? My marriage vows, which I took very
seriously, said, "In sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer,
till death do us part." The other thing I would like to say is that
any man or woman, if the affair is on the man's side, I would not want
anything to do with that would do something like this, what values could
they have? Who would want to marry someone that would do this? Do you not
think they won't do it to you eventually? The grass always seems greener,
but it still has to be mowed! kim
— KIM B.
February 2, 2004
I am not mad at you Maria. I know how you feel. Some people will sit here
and tell you you are obligated to your husband and your kids to do the
right thing. But regardless if you are thin or thick you must make
yourself happy. Some people stay in ruined or deterioated relationships
just for the kids. I feel now that you have lost your weight you feel more
powerful and your self esteem has risen. You don't owe anyone anything
besides yourself. Just remember for every action there is a reaction. And
also remember you reap what you sow. I think everyone at some point in
there relationship has fantasized about being with someone and just too
damn ashame to admit it. Doesn't mean you are less than a wife, mother, or
a woman. But this is a new year and try to make wise decisions. Obviously
your husband is not fulfilling you the way you want to be fulfilled. There
is something missing in the link and maybe you too need to sit and talk and
get some counseling and revive what brought you too together in the first
place. Regardless of all that always make your happiness come first.
— orangeblossom
February 2, 2004
My husband had a good thought on this one. I read him the post. His
response was, we are giving this woman too much attention in even answering
her post. He believes that this is her fantasy world and she just wants us
to respond! no more wasted time on something like this! kim
— KIM B.
February 2, 2004
Maria- Sounds like you may be looking for some attention that you didn't
receive when you were overweight. Maybe you should try talking with a
counselor to find out why you want to have an affair. Assuming you still
love your husband, there is probably a deep root cause for you desire other
than lust. Just think about it before you do something you may come to
regret.
— kararuck
February 2, 2004
I agree with KIM and her husband, all you want is attention from your
post. Your not much of a woman if you have to ask US what you should do.
Grow up and face reality...
— Maryjean
February 2, 2004
Please be careful. I am not married, but I do date quite a bit. I must
say that I much prefer the men who approached me before. Now there is such
a lack of sencerity and compassion. Do you really want to be with someone
who lacks character and is willing to hurt a whole family just because of a
little flattery? I am sure you were a beautiful person heavy, but now you
actually believe it! Take heed that your husband saw it all along. Good
luck to you.
— Kristin L.
February 2, 2004
Maria- the responses you received from your post are quite judgemental-
everyone is entitled to thier opinion. I'm having a hard time dealing with
the new attention from men- I'm married to a wonderful man and have 5
beautiful daughters. It actually makes me feel uncomfortable and like
hiding when men flirt with me. I hate it! A small part of me is
flattered, but the rest of me wants to run and hide- or even get fat again!
I did not have this surgery look better- I had this surgery because my
kids needed a mom that could participate in thier lives- I also wanted to
be a better wife. Maybe your decision to have this surgery was to escape
from your life- not to enhance your life- Please find a counselor for
yourself- your husband who's been with you through "thick" and
thin and your great kids deserve a chance. NOt to mention- if you have an
affair, how could you come home and look into your childrens eyes, your
husbands eyes and feel good about yourself? I really believe that an
affair would only make you feel more miserable! I have always been a good
person on the inside who hid behind my weight-Don't give in to a society
that didn't see your good qualities until you became thin. That would
make you a fool. Have some respect for yourself!
— lyndaleigh
February 3, 2004
I am really going to put myself out here to answer your post because I
think it is a legit question. I have been married for 25 years to a great
man. I have ONLY been with him sexually. I too found myself being curious
when I lost the weight about other men. I found that I was just looking to
fill the void that food left. I talked with my husband about these
feelings. It was NOT easy but losing a marriage was not going to be
either!!! Take a step back and ask yourself why you want to do this. If
you have a bad marriage then look for other avenues to make it better or
get out. If it is curiousity try reading! If you need a new friend try
exercise and support groups. Look for answers based on thought and take it
easy. Your life is changing quickly and your emotions are probably going
crazy too. Don't let a moment of weakness ruin your life. We lean on food
our whole life and learning to be happy with ourselves and leaning on our
own two feet is hard and sometimes we think we need that ego boost that
affairs may give. I do not know your total situation but I encourage you
to take your time and look to what any decision can bring to your future.
Bottom line is that no one can judge you or tell you what to do without
walking in your shoes but we hope sometimes that our support helps people
make better judgement calls sometimes.
— Oldsoul
February 3, 2004
I am going to take your question at face value. I know the new attention is
flattering. However, It is my own personal opionion that cheating hurts
everyone. If you want someone new, do the honorable thing and end your
current relationship before you become involved with someone else. Now that
is a little scary, because if you don't have your faithful husband on
backup, what if the new person doesn't really want you for you, the person
inside????? what if you gain weight back and the new person who probably
wasn't so interested before you lost weight takes a hike. OH, was your
husband there for you when you were heavier? Did he stick with you thru
surgery and the pain and the recovery. OH well. relationships are
disposable these days. (if you think I might be being sarcaastic, well, I
AM)
— **willow**
February 3, 2004
I also read your profile, I would never ruin my marriage for a stupid
affair, my hubby has been beside me for 33 years and some of the people I
get attention from wouldn't have given me a 2nd glance at my pre-op weight,
so why mess up your life for a stupid affair,, and yes I do believe you are
too stuck on yourself also!!! grow up and start being a mommy and a wife!!
— bikerchic
February 3, 2004
Maria...This is soemthign you should really talk to your husband and
someone else about. Even tho I am extremely happily married and would NEVER
consider cheating on him, I DON'T THINK SOME OF THE PEOPLE THAT POSTED
SHOULD BE SO RUDE AND JUDGEMENTAL...KIM AND HER HUSBAND FOR EXAMPLE NEEDS
TO GET OUT OF THEIR LIL FANTASY WORLD.
Good luck to you Maria...and try and talk this over with someone before
making a decision that could possibly ruin a lot of people's life,
including your own.
Josii*
— meltedbuttr
February 3, 2004
Well, from reading your profile, you certainly don't have a self-esteem
problem. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and your eye thinks you are
beautiful. Good for you. I think that there probably are quite a few
married women who were overweight their entire lives, may not have the best
of marriages, had WLS and are also considering or have had an affair. Not
that they will admit it here, though! Most of your responses were from
those who are not considering an affair and are cautioning you against one.
I corresponded for a while with a post-op who was married with 2 kids and
after WLS had an affair with her husbands best friend. When she was
considering having the affair, I tried to caution her to think of the
consequences but her hormones and desire to have the affair (I just want to
experience it once...) got the best of her and she did it. Then she felt
like crap, but did it again. Bottom line, her hubby found out and sued her
for custody of her two girls. Was it worth it? She is saying no now. I
can understand your curiosity, but just think carefully of the consequences
first. You have 4 kids. Is it worth it if hubby or the kids find out, and
if it means the end of your marriage?
— Cindy R.
February 3, 2004
whoe, whoe, whoe, everyone.... calm down. She asked a question and everyone
is judging her. Have anyone ever asked her what kind of husband is he...
and why she feel the need to have an affair. Maybe She need attention
shes not getting from him.....Maybe he not supportive in her
efforts....Lets give her a chance and kept this holier than thou attitute
to our selves.
Honey I know how you feel, now its your turn, you are getting attention
finally and it feels good, but is it worth it??? My advice is look but
don't touch........ enjoying yourself and firting doesn't have to include
sex....Join some clubs, take your spouse out on the town, to a romantic
spot or make that spot at home with him.. like you did when you first
met... buy some sexy new undies and surprise him . See how that works...
If it doesn't then see a marriage counselor...... You have high self esteem
right now which is good many people don't Good luck and enjoy the new you.
— Rebe W.
February 3, 2004
Maria, I would like to respond to your question, and I do apologize that
you were bashed by asking an honest question. I would honestly say, do not
do it. Here is the reason why. Regardless of whatever is missing in your
relationship with your husband, i.e. the spark is gone, not enough
compliments, whatever. The very best thing you can do is give your family
enough respect to either get out of the relationship before having an
affair, that is the very least they deserve. I am a firm believer in treat
others the way you want to be treated. I am sure if the shoe was on the
other foot, you would be very hurt. Get yourself together, and no matter
how much it hurts, discuss how you feel to your spouse. My love for my
husband has grown 10 fold since I have had this surgery, sometimes I feel
as if I am going to burst. I am truly only intersted in looking my best for
him, and no one else. I could not imagine my life without him. I truly hope
that you find what your needing. May God Bless you. Good luck! :)
— EHarding
February 3, 2004
josii, kim and her husband are not in a "fantasy world" we are in
a "comitted world!" 21 years and 3 beautiful children later!
Thanks for the compliment! At least we love living in our fantasy world.
Maybe others should try it too, it surely seems to work! kim
— KIM B.
February 3, 2004
I think I can understand what you are going though. You have struggled
with your weight forever, you married a man that took you for what you are,
knowing that looks may not have been a factor. You spent the better part
of your teen age years wanting attention so badly that your imagination
became your best friend and now, it can become reality.
You may feel you haven't lived yet. You have a husband and children and
feel about as special as last nights leftovers. I've been there.
I advise that you look at what you have been given. Can you honestly give
up what you have now and find it again?
Personally, I would show up at my husbands work dressed just so, in a
different color wig and let him pretend I was someone else. That makes for
an interesting night. Guilt free.
I don't know what your life is like, I can't tell you to stick it out and
pretend.
Good luck and best wishes whatever your decision.
— leaton
February 3, 2004
I wonder how many of our spouses remained asked themselves this question
when we were obese or ill but REMAINED FAITHFUL REGARDLESS.
<br><BR>
Compliments are great, and I think they are nice to get, but love is the
real thing. You can sleep with someone, and that might last for a few
minutes, but will an anonymous person hold your hand when you are sick, or
be there for your kids?<br> <br>
Anyone who asks a question in a public forum gets what they get for an
answer. I am tired of reading that someone gets "flamed" when
they ask a question. People ask a question here knowing there is moderation
involved, so leave the people answering alone.
— kultgirl
February 3, 2004
look but don't touch, I agree with other posters. It is never ok to break
your marriage vows, if you have feelings about someone that are serious
enough to make you want to act, you need to re-think your marriage, and
should not get involved any new relationships until you have severed ties,
it's not fair to yourself, to your husband, or to anyone you may get
involved with. Just not fair! Good luck, and congratulations on your
success.
— Jessica Wyatt Robinson
February 3, 2004
I cant understand the concept of hurting so many people just for a roll in
the hay. Whats the point? Is your sexlife terrible? Your hubby
inattentive? Try going to a lingere shop and buying something naughty,
stock the bedroom with candles, champagne, strawberries, spray whipped
cream, nice music, ect and see how steamy things can be at home. The grass
is not usually any greener on the other side of the fence!!!!!
— cherokey55
February 3, 2004
Maria: Sounds like you want your proverbial Cake and eat it too. (Who
hasn't atleast once in their life..-hmmm I don't want debt, but that new
car would be nice-) Here is my answer to your question. Do what you wanna
do to make yourself happy. But don't blame anyone else for YOUR actions.
You're 31. You're an adult. You don't need anyone else to tell you what
you should do. We all have our own morals and ethics. I know what it's
like to be in an unhappy marriage with someone that "loved me for who
I was before" But honestly, I feel like I "settled" for who
I am married to, because "who else is going to love a fat slob like
me?" (fat gave me a horrible self esteem, go figure) My biggest
problem is that I'm having a hard time going against the sickness and
health, for better and worse pledges that I said to him before God. One of
these days, I'll get it figured out. Until then, I remain loyal. ONLY
because my morals keep me loyal, and because I'm very cautious about
diseases.
Another thing. I'm so happy that I am in America. Where it's my freedom
to think and say what I choose. This goes for those who understand where
Maria is, and those who disagree completely to the question Maria is
asking. I don't think that anyone is "flaming" anyone. They're
giving their advice on the question that was asked. Good luck, Maria. I
think you're in a tough situation, mostly because the thought has crossed
my mind also.
— Michelle J.
February 3, 2004
I personally think there are some things that are just universally bad:
murder, rape, beatings, physical/mental abuse, theft, breaking of the
marriage vows, etc....
<p>
I agree with those that say if you are totally unhappy with your current
husband, do him the courtesy of telling him and getting a divorce before
you decide to hook up with someone else. I mean if he's going thru life
being all proud of you, thinking everythings great and he finds out you've
been seeing/sleeping with someone on the side, how is that going to make
him feel? Are you capable of taking other people's feelings into
consideration? Because you need to consider not only his, but your kid's
feelings also. If they are young, how confusing is it going to be to
suddenly not have daddy around, but some strange guy they don't know? If
they are older and can understand whats going on, are you prepared for the
hostility they may feel toward you for breaking up your family? Just some
questions you really need to consider before you go out and scratch some
fleeting itch you have.
— Ali M
February 3, 2004
Maria,
I read some of the other posts and I'm hoping you aren't sorry you posted
your question. I didn't get thru all of the responses that you've already
gotten, but I thought I'd offer my view. You might back up to the real
reason you are considering an affair. I think you should figure out why
you feel like doing that and what the reprocussions might be. If you are
wanting to divorce your husband, just do it. It's not necessary to do
something to wreck it. It will take some courage to face up to the
decision you want to make, but you'll feel better about yourself if you
don't take the easy way out. It's probably going to be hard to look at
your husband and say, "You know what? I've changed...I'm not happy
with this relationship anymore and I'm not interested in fixing it. I'm
ready to let go and I want a divorce". Believe it or not, an affair
is really a cop out. You'd be no longer taking responsibility for the
ending of your marriage and leaving it up to your husband to leave you,
rather than you leaving him. I would also point out that you have children
to think of. They are going to find out about this someday. Look into
your future and think about how you want your children to remember you.
I've considered the ramifications of cheating on my own husband, but I know
it's just not worth it. I definately don't want my daughter to think it's
okay in her life when she's married. Cheating is something that means more
than sex. Regardless of what other people say, it's NEVER forgiven. It's
NEVER forgotten. NEVER. Don't do something that will forever change your
character. If you want to leave your husband, do it. It will be painful,
but if sleeping with another man is what you decide you want then do it!
More power to you. Just make sure it's what you really want and OWN YOUR
DECISION! Good luck to you! K
— Kimberly S.
February 3, 2004
Yes.
I didn't do it though. I did end up divorcing my husband, and the man I
considered doing it with is long gone. Never did do it, but....the thought
destroyed my marraige, which was already weak and in danger. I never
confessed or discussed with my husband that the thought entered my mind.
You've asked for advice....Be careful...be very careful. I still haven't
forgiven myself even for thinking it, even though my marriage was rocky and
unhappy and I am no longer in it. Nobody is perfect and we all make
mistakes....just be careful and really think about it before doing
anything. My advice is don't do it if it is just an affair. If you think
you may be in love with this other person, divorce your currnet husband
first...if the new guy is worth it...he will wait.
— Danielle M.
February 3, 2004
compliments are great, but is it worth having an affair? If your marriage
is not good - then seek counseling or make a decision to divorce. I've
been thin and overweight and believe me - men do not treat you better just
because you're thin - it is the women who have control over their lives are
strong and directed enough to know when to stay in a relation and when to
leave. I have friends who are considered obese and are in healthy
relationships and friends who are thin and live in a nightmare each day.
Also, if you have an affair remember your children can be affected by it.
— Anna M.
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