No where else to turn...
Dear Friends
I have been gone for a while. I left the boards a few months ago after lurking here for a little over two years, as it became very evident that surgery just wasn't a financial reality for me. I've been a bit depressed, searching for answers, hoping to find a way to help myself - to save myself from this disease that has a death grip on me.
I am prepping myself for another spinal surgery. You can guess the cause: Obesity. My spine is wearing out at twice the rate my back surgeon thought it would. I guess my body just can't take the weight.
However, that isn't the reason I'm here tonight. I came because I just needed someone to hear me and understand me, and I knew you would.
I own a small performing arts school. I grew up dancing, and still have so much passion for the art/sport that I decided to open my own studio. I hired three incredible teachers, and our program has grown leaps and bounds in 2 years time. However, every time I have to introduce myself to a new parent, I get the most shell shocked looks as they try to imagine why someone as fat as I am would even consider opening a dance studio. I'm not being overly sensitive here. I am a pretty decent judge of character and intent, and even though their looks hurt me, I don't let them stop me.
We recently held our annual Nutcracker production. An estimated 800 people attended. I live in a small town, and so it isn't hard to know most everyone around. The night of our performance, a former colleague and current competitor attended our recital. When I went on stage to announce the show, she and her students decided that they would take pot shots at me from the audience. I didn't hear it from on stage, but it became such an issue that they were asked to leave by several different families. The topic of their conversation: How fat I am.
I had no idea that this happened. However, it has slowly leaked back to me, and I am mortified. I am mortified that my friends and neighbors are sending me notes to tell me how I really shouldn't care about what other people say. The truth is, I have had to let the opinions of others go as time has gone by. I wouldn't have survived otherwise. But, my kids are now old enough that they hear and understand the neighborhood skuttle, and it kills me to watch my girls react as people bring it up spontaneously in conversation. I am dying inside. That night, as I went out on to the stage, I asked my husband to stand by my side. I just couldn't do it alone. I have lost every ounce of confidence that I've ever had. I feel that I do a pretty good job of masking my insecurities, as most people think that I am comfortable in my own skin. But the truth is, I'm just not. I hate this shell that I am confined to live in. I have tried my whole life to conquer this monster of obesity - and I feel like giving in. I am not a suicidal person....I could never hurt my family like that. However, my will to live is nearly gone. This is one of but many times that my weight has become a "public" conversation piece. I wi**** didn't define me. I wish I wouldn't let it.
So, I just needed an understanding ear, and a soft place to fall tonight. Anyone out there know how to pick up your heart and reassemble it, when it seems to be in a million little pieces and scattered in the wind?
I've missed you. I hope a few of you remember me enough to just respond.
Sending so much love...
I have been gone for a while. I left the boards a few months ago after lurking here for a little over two years, as it became very evident that surgery just wasn't a financial reality for me. I've been a bit depressed, searching for answers, hoping to find a way to help myself - to save myself from this disease that has a death grip on me.
I am prepping myself for another spinal surgery. You can guess the cause: Obesity. My spine is wearing out at twice the rate my back surgeon thought it would. I guess my body just can't take the weight.
However, that isn't the reason I'm here tonight. I came because I just needed someone to hear me and understand me, and I knew you would.
I own a small performing arts school. I grew up dancing, and still have so much passion for the art/sport that I decided to open my own studio. I hired three incredible teachers, and our program has grown leaps and bounds in 2 years time. However, every time I have to introduce myself to a new parent, I get the most shell shocked looks as they try to imagine why someone as fat as I am would even consider opening a dance studio. I'm not being overly sensitive here. I am a pretty decent judge of character and intent, and even though their looks hurt me, I don't let them stop me.
We recently held our annual Nutcracker production. An estimated 800 people attended. I live in a small town, and so it isn't hard to know most everyone around. The night of our performance, a former colleague and current competitor attended our recital. When I went on stage to announce the show, she and her students decided that they would take pot shots at me from the audience. I didn't hear it from on stage, but it became such an issue that they were asked to leave by several different families. The topic of their conversation: How fat I am.
I had no idea that this happened. However, it has slowly leaked back to me, and I am mortified. I am mortified that my friends and neighbors are sending me notes to tell me how I really shouldn't care about what other people say. The truth is, I have had to let the opinions of others go as time has gone by. I wouldn't have survived otherwise. But, my kids are now old enough that they hear and understand the neighborhood skuttle, and it kills me to watch my girls react as people bring it up spontaneously in conversation. I am dying inside. That night, as I went out on to the stage, I asked my husband to stand by my side. I just couldn't do it alone. I have lost every ounce of confidence that I've ever had. I feel that I do a pretty good job of masking my insecurities, as most people think that I am comfortable in my own skin. But the truth is, I'm just not. I hate this shell that I am confined to live in. I have tried my whole life to conquer this monster of obesity - and I feel like giving in. I am not a suicidal person....I could never hurt my family like that. However, my will to live is nearly gone. This is one of but many times that my weight has become a "public" conversation piece. I wi**** didn't define me. I wish I wouldn't let it.
So, I just needed an understanding ear, and a soft place to fall tonight. Anyone out there know how to pick up your heart and reassemble it, when it seems to be in a million little pieces and scattered in the wind?
I've missed you. I hope a few of you remember me enough to just respond.
Sending so much love...
kathie09
I am so sorry about the hurtful actions by those small-minded and mean-spirited people. I think the thing to remember is how petty and shallow this makes them look. I doubt anyone who was a witness to their despicable actions thought highly of them at all. And what a horrible example that teacher set for her students. If I was a parent to one of her students, I would of pulled my child out from that class so fast her head would of been spinning.
Hold your head up high and know that you are the better person. That you have friends out there who cared about how you felt and defended you against the slimeballs.
Kathleen
Yours is another familiar face to me from these boards. Thanks for taking the time to encourage me. I really needed a friend today....and forgot that when you log on to the OH site, you have an immediate army at your side.
I agree that this woman, who I previously believed to be a friend, really needs to consider her role as a mentor to young women. Many eating disorders are born on the dance floor....she need not encourage that by proclaiming that only the slim dancer is a beautiful dancer.
Thanks again!
Yours is another familiar face to me from these boards. Thanks for taking the time to encourage me. I really needed a friend today....and forgot that when you log on to the OH site, you have an immediate army at your side.
I agree that this woman, who I previously believed to be a friend, really needs to consider her role as a mentor to young women. Many eating disorders are born on the dance floor....she need not encourage that by proclaiming that only the slim dancer is a beautiful dancer.
Thanks again!
kathie09
Kathie, I don't know you, but my heart clenched a bit reading this.
It made me remember when I had to start giving presentations to clients for my company, convincing they need to license our patent portfolio of human gene patents, as well as giving talks to patent attorneys and business people about why those patents were valid. The technical matters were very complex, and the people had paid (not me, just the conference organizers -- all I got was free admisson to the conference) to be there to give these technical talks. But when I had to walk up to the podium, wearing big flowey caftans rather than a business suit, trying to look confident and fashion forward rather that just being too fat to find a suit, all I could think of was that everyone in the audience was think "geeze louise she's a fat *******!" Even one time, when I ended up on a podium with a patent legal recruiter who was significantly heavier than me, rather than feeling relieved, I felt like people were looking at us asTweedledum and Tweddledee. (I later met with her a few months after having my surgery, and she was receptive to hearing about the DS, and she ended up losing down to being TINY from over 400 lbs.)
I kept trying to talk myself into believing they looked at me, when -- hhmmm, she's fat -- and then moved on to what I was saying. But I was constantly carrying on a second conversation in my head, worrying about the comments I couldn't hear. We are our own worst critics, and the worst at undermining our self esteem.
There is a grifter and a few of her friends who haunt these message board, trying to lie about me and put me down. Their jealous twaddle isn't worth my emotional energy (thought I admit to twisting their titties from time to time), although the character assassination bothers me with respect to the pro bono work I do (which they can't be bothered with, of course -- they spend too much time in their reindeer games of exclusion to be bothered anymore with what they promised to do years ago -- to pay it forward and support newbies and other vets on their journeys. OH is just a playground of former fatties like themselves, and they are busy turning the hatred and self-loathing around on others, like it once was on them.
But you KNOW your're good at what you do, no matter your current size. You have competitors who are trying to hurt your business by putting you down in your own office I guess the best I can offer you is something I would have (and still do) tried to focus on in those awkward moments and just shrug them off, perhaps with a pre-planned and perfect tweek back. "I'm so happy to hear that the most you had to complain about at our recital today was my medical condition. The kids really did well, don't you think?"
I am fading fast, but I don't want to leave this post without a "buck up and put on your big girl panties." These people are like gnats in your life and the answer is "mind over matter" -- "if you don't mind, they won't matter." And they sure as hell don't matter in your very full life.
Hugs to you.
Diana
It made me remember when I had to start giving presentations to clients for my company, convincing they need to license our patent portfolio of human gene patents, as well as giving talks to patent attorneys and business people about why those patents were valid. The technical matters were very complex, and the people had paid (not me, just the conference organizers -- all I got was free admisson to the conference) to be there to give these technical talks. But when I had to walk up to the podium, wearing big flowey caftans rather than a business suit, trying to look confident and fashion forward rather that just being too fat to find a suit, all I could think of was that everyone in the audience was think "geeze louise she's a fat *******!" Even one time, when I ended up on a podium with a patent legal recruiter who was significantly heavier than me, rather than feeling relieved, I felt like people were looking at us asTweedledum and Tweddledee. (I later met with her a few months after having my surgery, and she was receptive to hearing about the DS, and she ended up losing down to being TINY from over 400 lbs.)
I kept trying to talk myself into believing they looked at me, when -- hhmmm, she's fat -- and then moved on to what I was saying. But I was constantly carrying on a second conversation in my head, worrying about the comments I couldn't hear. We are our own worst critics, and the worst at undermining our self esteem.
There is a grifter and a few of her friends who haunt these message board, trying to lie about me and put me down. Their jealous twaddle isn't worth my emotional energy (thought I admit to twisting their titties from time to time), although the character assassination bothers me with respect to the pro bono work I do (which they can't be bothered with, of course -- they spend too much time in their reindeer games of exclusion to be bothered anymore with what they promised to do years ago -- to pay it forward and support newbies and other vets on their journeys. OH is just a playground of former fatties like themselves, and they are busy turning the hatred and self-loathing around on others, like it once was on them.
But you KNOW your're good at what you do, no matter your current size. You have competitors who are trying to hurt your business by putting you down in your own office I guess the best I can offer you is something I would have (and still do) tried to focus on in those awkward moments and just shrug them off, perhaps with a pre-planned and perfect tweek back. "I'm so happy to hear that the most you had to complain about at our recital today was my medical condition. The kids really did well, don't you think?"
I am fading fast, but I don't want to leave this post without a "buck up and put on your big girl panties." These people are like gnats in your life and the answer is "mind over matter" -- "if you don't mind, they won't matter." And they sure as hell don't matter in your very full life.
Hugs to you.
Diana
Diana
I've read your posts over the past couple of years and wondered why I couldn't live next to you....you are such an intelligent, confident woman!
thanks for taking the time to "talk" to me. I really needed it. And...just in case the grifters are on board today, I have this to say: LAY OFF DIANA! This board would be lost without you. I really mean that.
hugs right back
kathie
I've read your posts over the past couple of years and wondered why I couldn't live next to you....you are such an intelligent, confident woman!
thanks for taking the time to "talk" to me. I really needed it. And...just in case the grifters are on board today, I have this to say: LAY OFF DIANA! This board would be lost without you. I really mean that.
hugs right back
kathie
kathie09
Hi Kathie,
Your story strikes a cord with all of us and so you've touched many of us today. I know when I read your story I immediately was cast back to the morning I came into work and couldn't fit my top anymore. I had to pull apart the pleat on the back of my top which left me with a weird hump on my back but allowed me to be able to move my arms. The pleat was darker then the rest of my uniform so it was obvious I had to open the back of my top. Within the space of two months the top was sooo tight that the buttons were straining and people were making comments to each other and wondering where I would go now there wasn't any more material to let out.
I was so ashamed as a nurse to be so out of control. I was heavier then most of the patients and would listen to the jokes people made about the fat men and women coming in for treatment and see them looking at me for a response know that they were thinking (but they are not as fat as you). One old guy referred to me as the Sumo. I about died inside that day. Nothing I said or did mattered because I was a comic character utterly out of control. I grieve daily for the girl I was.
I cannot tell you how liberating this surgery has been for me. I was in such deep emotional and spiritual pain at my heaviest. I just wished I could die in my sleep and save myself and all those that loved me the suffering of watching me turn into a mountain of flesh. I was living death by degrees and that is no exaggeration.
I am very very broke now. I have no available money to pay back a dear friend who loaned my £1800 towards my surgery because I took out a massive loan in order to have my DS done not on the NHS. I own nothing and have no credit open to me because of the size of personal debt I carry but I have never been happier. I regret nothing! So what I will say to you is that no matter how hard it may seem borrow and have this done. Borrow against your business, or against your house or against whatever. We are not talking about buying a car we are talking about buying a life that you are suffering through rather then living.
The ***** that slagged you off is deeply flawed and certainly showed her true colors. I'm sure she earned the disgust of most there. Without lifting a finger you have out maneuvered her by being kind, by being loved. So now you need to move heaven and earth to self love, to self nurture. It is time to be kind to you.
I had my DS done in London by Dr Ameet Patel and he was amazing. I paid £10, 000 i.e. US$ 15,615.38 for everything. That is totally inclusive of everything. It may be a cheaper option for you to get a budget flight to the UK and have the surgery done here. It is a compulsory 9 day stay in hospital with Dr Patel before discharge. The Hospital isn't lovely but it is clean and does what it says on the tin. I paid nothing else aside from the £10000 for one night in ITU, for my meds, for my physiotherapy for everything.
Change your fate. We are all here to give you love and support. We have all walked your path and know the pain and the isolation.
xxx
Your story strikes a cord with all of us and so you've touched many of us today. I know when I read your story I immediately was cast back to the morning I came into work and couldn't fit my top anymore. I had to pull apart the pleat on the back of my top which left me with a weird hump on my back but allowed me to be able to move my arms. The pleat was darker then the rest of my uniform so it was obvious I had to open the back of my top. Within the space of two months the top was sooo tight that the buttons were straining and people were making comments to each other and wondering where I would go now there wasn't any more material to let out.
I was so ashamed as a nurse to be so out of control. I was heavier then most of the patients and would listen to the jokes people made about the fat men and women coming in for treatment and see them looking at me for a response know that they were thinking (but they are not as fat as you). One old guy referred to me as the Sumo. I about died inside that day. Nothing I said or did mattered because I was a comic character utterly out of control. I grieve daily for the girl I was.
I cannot tell you how liberating this surgery has been for me. I was in such deep emotional and spiritual pain at my heaviest. I just wished I could die in my sleep and save myself and all those that loved me the suffering of watching me turn into a mountain of flesh. I was living death by degrees and that is no exaggeration.
I am very very broke now. I have no available money to pay back a dear friend who loaned my £1800 towards my surgery because I took out a massive loan in order to have my DS done not on the NHS. I own nothing and have no credit open to me because of the size of personal debt I carry but I have never been happier. I regret nothing! So what I will say to you is that no matter how hard it may seem borrow and have this done. Borrow against your business, or against your house or against whatever. We are not talking about buying a car we are talking about buying a life that you are suffering through rather then living.
The ***** that slagged you off is deeply flawed and certainly showed her true colors. I'm sure she earned the disgust of most there. Without lifting a finger you have out maneuvered her by being kind, by being loved. So now you need to move heaven and earth to self love, to self nurture. It is time to be kind to you.
I had my DS done in London by Dr Ameet Patel and he was amazing. I paid £10, 000 i.e. US$ 15,615.38 for everything. That is totally inclusive of everything. It may be a cheaper option for you to get a budget flight to the UK and have the surgery done here. It is a compulsory 9 day stay in hospital with Dr Patel before discharge. The Hospital isn't lovely but it is clean and does what it says on the tin. I paid nothing else aside from the £10000 for one night in ITU, for my meds, for my physiotherapy for everything.
Change your fate. We are all here to give you love and support. We have all walked your path and know the pain and the isolation.
xxx
RIP Mickie aka Happychick. You will be missed deeply.
Kirmy
you have a way of provoking my favorite emotion... laughter through tears. I wonder if you know how many people read your posts and take courage -- simply because you are so real. You say what so many of us either haven't found words for yet, and sometimes you say things that I lack the courage to say.
So, dear Kirmy WHOSE NEW PHOTOS LOOK SO AMAZING (not yelling here, just don't know how to add emphasis
) Thank you. Thanks for reaching out from across the sea to a friend *****ally needed you today. I listened to everything you said, and am contemplating a new approach even as I type this note.
hugs
kathie
you have a way of provoking my favorite emotion... laughter through tears. I wonder if you know how many people read your posts and take courage -- simply because you are so real. You say what so many of us either haven't found words for yet, and sometimes you say things that I lack the courage to say.
So, dear Kirmy WHOSE NEW PHOTOS LOOK SO AMAZING (not yelling here, just don't know how to add emphasis
) Thank you. Thanks for reaching out from across the sea to a friend *****ally needed you today. I listened to everything you said, and am contemplating a new approach even as I type this note. hugs
kathie
kathie09
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