A man's POV RE: Take my husband post

Honestly I'm disappointed by the comments of many of my fellow bandsters. While Joan's husband clearly has treated her badly, and furthermore hurt her emotionally, I think many of the responses could have focused on supporting HER more than "husband bashing" that seemed to be the popular choice. In the 6 or so weeks I've been on this board, I have come to believe that most people want this to be a place where people can feel welcome and safe to post their joys and struggles. To me, comments like, "I have no problem husband bashing," and, "Men are just not tuned in as we are," unfairly exclude and sterotype men and seem to contradict what I believe this site stands for. Kudos to those few posters who chose to support Joan instead of taking the opportunity to man-hate. Respectfully, gg

Not all marriages are a bed of Roses...sunshine and apple pie. I for one, learned this fact and live this first hand...daily. I find myself very envious of those that seem to have a "match made in heaven." The dynamics that factor into a relationship vary with each relationship. Even the same two people that couldn't work it "together", can work it with somebody else, they aren't doomed to failure for all future relationships, just because they can't function in the one they are in now. While my hubby's irritating habits annoy me, they may humor someone else. Where I tend to be open about my emotional needs, he chooses to stiffle his...all the while telling me, he doesn't UNDERSTAND, why I am so needy. LOL! After 15 years, it's become clear to me, what had made my marriage dysfunctional...MY inner struggles with obesity and inability to say NO, for fear of hurting those that I care about, mixed with an insensitive, loner type, who has no problem ASKING me to do ANYTHING for him. He has no guil****ching me work like a dog, and turns a blind eye and deaf ear to my physical and emotional needs. Although he is intellectual on many levels, it isn't what I know or understand completely, and while I am busy supporting his "hobby of the month", he forgets to offer any support for me and my need to talk about what I am into. A shopping trip together, entails a trip to the local sporting goods store...then home. I gave up asking him to stop or drop me off at my favorite haunts. I giggle about other's man-bashing, but I don't normally get into it on a regular basis myself. I have my days...but rather than remain bitter about things that I didn't change, I choose to take action and change the things that I can. I don't know what their life is really like, or why, that is an entirely different discussion. I know what my part of the whole equation is...that I allowed poor behavior to affect me as much as it did. I allowed my hubby to become lazy about showing his love or affection towards me...I allowed him to be verbally assultive at times..I allowed him to believe that no matter what he does, it's OK..."Linda will accept all the blame for our fights...Linda will buckle...Linda won't leave me because she doesn't have the guts to". While the sting of hearing what the poster did, hurts, it's important to understand that others are entitled to feel frustrated too. Probably the biggest thing I have to remember in a marriage is learning WHAT to say, chosing the right WAY to say it, WHEN the time is right. Now if I could get my hubby to wrap his brain around that, I'd be getting somewhere. Linda

Linda, I hold your opinions in high regard, as I have mentioned in other posts, but I think you're missing my point. I do not disagree with your statement that people have different experiences in their marriages and if you read my posts, I am not claiming that all marriages are great. My point is that the broad generalizations to lump all men into the jerk, non-understading, non-supportive category is not productive and furthermore inaccurate. I am not trying to make light of anyone else's struggles, but group thrashing of someone or a group of someones seems malicious to me.

Gene, I do get your point, and have been a victim of the broad generalizations that are placed on women. I've had prejudice opinions made to me and about me, by men who happened to think that ALL women are indeed the same, including my hubby. That I am with him for the money, I am conniving, spiteful, nagging, *****y, complain far too often, and I don't know anything. It's hurtful to think that anyone would automaticaly label someone based on their gender...but it happens. It's in poor taste on a public board to be "so open" about a subject that has been a sore spot for ages. Whether we like it or not, some people do choose to hold tight to their prejudices. I don't appreciate that any man would automatically assume that I am bad at math, that I can't drive, nor parrallel park, or that my focus in life (can only be wife and mother) is so limited that I couldn't possibly be able to learn how to do any NON traditional job. I am proof positive that I can learn it quickly and do it proficiently...just as good as any guy. I am a carpenter, complete with a tool belt and full knowlegde of a woodshop and have worked on houses from the hole in the ground, up to the roof...and even finish the interior. Furthermore, I happen to enjoy otherwise "manly type" pastimes...hunting, fishing, etc. Now, does that make me "Butch"? For those that know me, they find out, that isn't the only thing I can do or enjoy. I'm a multi-faceted, creative soul that loves to learn more, design, and create. I am not afraid to break into a sweat digging in a foundation, but I can still sew, and cook too! I embrace the differences in people, enjoy each one for their qualities, and choose to avoid those who continue to ignore that I am so much more than the average viewpoint of what makes up a woman. I will be totally honest, I really don't have a one size fit's all mentality about men. They can't be grouped in the same catagory, just as women can't either...I've worked with the roughest of sexist pigs, spent many times pouring over a beer with my best guy friend, discussing "where is the LOVE?" LOL!!!...to also dealing fabrics and design ideas with a few gay guys. While they may share the same gender, their minds are made up of entirely different viewpoints. There is plenty of middle ground too... Last week, I guess you could call it a bashing of sorts...yes, I was bashing my HUBBY for the crap that I have had to endure over 15 years of knowing him. He decided to blow up and rip into me verbally. What I felt at the time was utter frustration and pain. I was angry for every time he ever opened up his mouth and forgot to stick his foot in it. In the end of my post, I tried to bring in humor to help heal a bit of the hurt. It would have been very easy to give in to the BASH mentality and let it run wild. At that point, I didn't much care about HIS feelings because mine had been stomped all over by size 13's. You brought up a very valid point, One that we should all try to practice. We shouldn't regress to bashing of anyone, regardless of what our personal views are. I did read the post, but chose not to reply to it. While I feel the pain and frustration of the insult receiver, I also feel the frustration of the "other" party. I've been on the giving end of such insults too, and almost always regret ever opening my mouth in the first place...it did nothing but create more hurt in the end. ((HUGS))I appreciate your reply and wish you the best...you obviously have a "kind" heart, otherwise you wouldn't have been so civil and adult in the topic or replies of your thread. I thank you for the kind reminder that we DO have guys here and they can feel hurt from what is being posted. Linda

I'm sorry for my part. I know Joan loves her husband and I was just trying to make her laugh. I use humor as a healing tool here. I definitely had the thought in the back of my mind that the comments on the post would hurt the men boarders. I guess I proved that women can be just as insensitive as men. Thanks for standing up and taking a dignified stance on behalf of all men. I have to say, you photo has a rather disciplinary look....so, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Sincerely, Catherine

Catherine - please NEVER change! I LOVE your humor!!!! Chelle

It was Cheryl's husband...She initiated the post. Joan

Whoops, sorry Joan. I used your name in my post too. Sometimes, I don't know if I'm scratching my watch, or winding my butt. Catherine

I don't think it was meant for all men, just those who are not sensitive or supportive of our successes. You shouldn't take it so personally if your not one of those men. Im one of the lucky ones who has a wonderful supportive husband but I can sympathize with her because my first husband wasn't so wonderful. Not all men are evil and I think it wasn't meant to sound like they were. They were just talking about those men who are jerks. I am sorry that you got your feelings hurt but it wasn't meant to do that Im sure. This is a place you should feel like you can come to for support and hopefully you still will. Once again, sorry you feel hurt but hopefully you'll still come back when you need support.

Not hurt, Heather, I am just pointing out what I perceive to be unfair accusations and unjust stereotypes of men. If you read the posts, there were generalizations of men, real jerks or otherwise. I would have pointed out the same issues if it were women being subjected to unfair statements.