MY CONFESSION: I'm struggling

One thing that weight loss surgery will NOT change is life. Life keeps going, whether you’re obese, overweight, normal weight or skinny as a rail. Regardless of where you are in your weight loss, things are happening around you and will continue to do so until the day you day. After that, you’re off the hook.

But until then, your boss may still be a dick, your job (or lack of one) may suck, your neighbors may be ******** your kids may be brats and your car may be a total piece of crap that needs a $500 repair next week. **** is going to keep happening, and no band, sleeve, switch or diet is going to change that.

 Since my banding I have had to deal with the death of my father, the death of my mother-in-law (who I got alone stupendously with), having to put my most beloved dog to sleep (in 6 days she went from healthy to terminal from a massive abdominal tumor), a hiatal hernia which required surgery to repair, two ongoing and continuing medical problems of my own, a very serious (but – thankfully – resolved) medical problem of my husband’s, the loss of MY job, the loss of HIS job, the soon-to-be-realized loss of our health insurance (at $784/mo., we can’t afford it when we’re only making about $2600/mo.), several pricey car repairs, and the looming threat of foreclosure (so far, staying above water). Stressful, all. (Wow. That was quite the understatement.) Now, add to that the depression brought on by all of the above, especially the feeling of worthlessness brought on by being unemployed for over 2 years with no hope in sight.

 My coping mechanism was, is and always will be food. It’s not like booze or drugs: it’s always in the house and it’s something that we actually NEED to survive. The trauma-du-jour rears it ugly head, and I’m right back in the kitchen, looking for something to make me feel better, at least in the short term.

 There’s been a lot of talk (and discussion and arguing and name-calling and finger pointing) on the board lately when it comes to “band failure." I want to check in here to tell everyone that it is possible for someone to “fail their band." While I will not say that I am an actual FAILURE, I am not making it easy for my little silicone friend to do his job. My band, affectionately known as CLF (“cranky little ******") is trying his damnedest to restrict the amounts I eat, and he’s doing very well. However, the emotional/psychological part of me is defying him at every turn.

 I don’t believe in “food addictions" per se, since I don’t believe there is an addictive substance in food as there is in tobacco, alcohol and drugs. So I will not call myself a food addict. I DO believe, however, that I’m an eating addict, and probably will be until my jaws stop moving. As soon as I’m done eating, I’m thinking about what I can eat next. Do you know what that is? It’s EXACTLY what I felt prior to having my surgery. I stopped having that feeling for a while so I guess it “went into remission" but never went away. I think the snowball of stress and emotions is really getting to me and manifesting itself in an eating addiction. I imagine that this is what a smoker, drinker or drug addict feels as soon as the last cig, shot or pill is gone. “Where’s the next one???!!"

 Lately, I have been eating around the band. I’m sure most of you have heard that expression, or you will. As soon as I feel that full feeling the band provides subsides, I’m putting something else in my mouth. And of course that something wouldn’t be carrots or broccoli, it’s crap food. And of course by eating all the time, I’m putting some pounds on, enough to really, really concern – and further depress – me. I feel like a fat tub o'goo, get down on myself, and then want to eat more. JUST LIKE BEFORE!

  I think that in my joy of how well I was doing – back when I was losing like mad, when I had NO EXCUSES about not going to the gym, when I was attending support groups at least once a month, when I was speaking at new patient seminars, when I was on OH more often, when I had semi-mastered the art of redirecting my stresses and doing something besides eating my emotions – I had forgotten how I got to obesity. About the time I hit the maintenance stage, I started to lose my focus. Now, I have to figure out how to get it back.

I don’t know what the answer is for ME – therapy, which I can’t afford? OA? I have no idea. But while I figure out how to get my **** back together, I want to remind you all that WLS is NOT going to cure what ails you. It will HELP you, but your food issues/stress issues/emotional issues are still circling your head like vultures, just waiting for that weak moment when they can swoop down.

 Oh! And I forgot one other issue: now that I'm 51, I'm dealing with menopause (or perimenopause.) Hormone change, anyone?

I am sorry you are going through a rough patch right now. I was there for the last year and packed on a bunch of weight. Even though I did have a port leak... I still hold myself accountable for the weigh re-gain. "I" put the bad food in my mouth. "I" gave up.

You are absolutely right that we can fail our bands. The band doesn't make our food choices for us. It doesn't exercise for us. There are ways to eat around it.

I am finally back on board. Recognizing it is half the battle.
You are half way there! You have already recognized the re-emergence of old behaviors.
Hang in there!! Nip it in the bud!!

Bette, I totally agree with you on so much of this!!  It really is VERY hard to shake our security blanket.......food.   We can for a time, just like pre-band....I could go on some diet and lose weight, but eventually my illness would kick back in. 

I however, do believe in food addiction.  I believe eating to a certain fullness releases hormones in to your body.  So, I might not be ingesting actual addictive substances, but my brain is needing that reaction I get from eating. 

My band is also a male, and his name is "Journey".  Unfortunately, I tend to eat around him quite a bit.  This past year has been very hard for me as well.  Losing my husband, my house, my two dogs, then having surgery for the slip and dealing with the severe depression of being 40 lbs fatter than I was at my lowest weight.  I know how it all snowballs. 

I have started going to a gym though, and I am enjoying working out.....but if I can't control my eating, then I will have to look in to OA or something.  Hang in there Bette!!!

"I however, do believe in food addiction.  I believe eating to a certain fullness releases hormones in to your body.  So, I might not be ingesting actual addictive substances, but my brain is needing that reaction I get from eating. "

I also agree with this. The release of serotonin in the brain is what I believe I am addicted to. I think that is why a lot of people end up crossing over to a new addiction if they haven't done the head work... alcohol, shopping, gambling... etc.

 Ugh, the gym! There's another problem! Besides the fact that it's a total suck-ass winter here (3.5 feet of snow, ice, freezing rain, freezing temps) that make it a nightmare to GET to the gym, both my knees (osteoarthritis) and my right arm (carpal tunnel/tendonitis) make the workout a literal pain!

"My band is also a male, and his name is "Journey".

Hey Melly - DON'T STOP BELIEVIN' sister!!!  Sorry - that was too easy.  LOL :)

  Good one, Lisa!!

 There are times when I think that the DSers are on to something: eat whatever you want, as much as you want, as crappy as you want, for whatever REASON you want, then just **** it out.