Feeling kind of down and invisible...

lovin_life
on 9/17/11 9:17 am - Canada
Hi Everyone!
I'm feeling kind of down and invisible..I am just over 4 weeks post op and I am down almost 40 lbs and 39 inches..I have been feeling pretty good about myself and my progress so far..but apparently no one else sees the change.. I live about 2 hours away from my parents but my dad works in Toronto (i live in Scarborough) so on Tuesday I went to his work to visit him.. I hadn't seen him since I was less then 1 week post op.. My family is very supportive of my choice to have surgery..But when I saw my dad he didn't say anything to me about how I look..if i look different..about my confidence boost..nothing at all.. it was kind of a blow to my ego (and my ego is very very very small)...So after that I kind of shook it off and  started feeling a bit better about myself so today I decided to go to the mall and give myself a makeover..I have to admit that I kind of did it for my fiance too.. I was really trying to turn  his head and make him say WOW!.. So I went and got my hair cut, dyed and highlighted (his favorite way), I bought a new outfit, did my make up different..everything.. And about  1 1/2 hours ago he got home from his baseball game and he didn't even say hi.. he didn't comment on the way I look, he didn't give me a kiss, he came in yelled at me because while we were out the dog chewed one of his shoes, then he sat on the couch, ate some chips and is now sleeping..Wow.. do I ever feel like an ass..I feel like I wasted $300 today on nothing..I can't even feel good about myself because he brought me down so low..****sigh***..Anyways, sorry for the vent..I guess its just one of those days..I'm going to go brush my hair out..put it in a pony.. take my make up off and climb into my jammies..Thanks for listening guys! I love my OH family!
    
Referral sent to Guelph: April 2010        Second app (Nut/ Nurse): Jan. 31st/ 11
Orientation: September 16th, 2010        Surgery information class: May 10th/ 11          
Sleep Study: No sleep apnea                 Surgeon (Dr.Reed): July 19th/ 11     
H-pylori: Negative                                   PATTS: August 12th/ 11
(Nut/SW/Nurse): Dec.9th/10                     Surgery: August 18th/ 11                 
ericaFG
on 9/17/11 9:28 am - Cambridge, Canada
Oh Hon.

The first 50-60lbs are always hard.  I felt GREAT, and saw my clothing sizes shrink - but no one noticed.  I felt like I was wearing it like a SIGN - but no one was reading it!!

In reality, I think most people just don't look at us that closely.  Without seeing a before/after - they kind of don't notice that things are different. 

So don't feel bad about your dad not noticing.  He will soon!  And dads/men in general are pretty unobservant...so it might take awhile!  I don't think my dad has said anything about me losing weight - and I've lost 150lbs!! 

As for your fiance - go wake him up!!  I wouldn't be angry - I'd just say to my husband "I need to talk to you.  I was really feeling down today, and went to get "dolled-up", figuring you'd notice and make me feel better.  When you were distracted by the dog and didn't notice, it reinforced my sad mood.  I really rely on you to help build me up, and need you to make an effort to notice what I'm wearing or look like.  Can you do that?"  

Sometimes guys need it spelled out for them in black and white.  My husband has been married to me for 15 years and he still needs explicit directions at times.
Proud Member of the Cambridge Crew!    
HW293/LW147/CW158   Height 5'9"  Working on Maintenance!
Fleur de lis TT and Brachioplasty - Oct. 19, 2010 Breast reduction and scar revision August 2, 2011
        
(deactivated member)
on 9/17/11 9:52 am - Toronto, Canada
 Please feel good about yourself...especially when no one else is helping you to feel that way.  So many times the people in our lives are bogged down in their own worries, anxieties, bad habits, self centredness, pettiness, jealously, laziness and the whole bunch of other human characater defects that most of us are plagued with from time to time.
I'm sorry that you didn't get the recognition and validation that you deserved and needed at this vulnerable time...but congratulations on celebrating yourself...even when no one else is on the ball enough to do it.  
You are making some brave and awesome choices and changes in your life and that is so amazing and inspiring.
Mariann M.
on 9/17/11 10:18 am - Washago , Canada
I can totally understand how your feeling, but the big thing is that, MEN really do need you to spell it out for them. I read that book, I think it's name is Men are from Mars and Woman are from Venus, or something like that, anyways it shows how men and women see a situtation completely differently.

As for your Fiance you should go and give him a peice of your mind. My husband is sort of the same way, but if I feel I really need him to be supportive and he's not. I just plain as day have to tell him what I want and I make sure he does understand. It's hard to get on the same page sometimes but you need to both understand where eachother stands on certain issues.

I hope that you relize that this is going to be an amazing journey and it's not just about weight loss alone. Wishing you the best of luck !!!        

JJ_
on 9/17/11 11:11 am
Hiya,

I want to provide some feedback from a different perspective.  Our feelings are ours, and we own them.  When you went to get your hair done, new outfit, etc., it should not have been for anyone but YOURSELF.  Others can profit from the great stuff you do for yourself, but it should be your priority to treat yourself.

I hope you have a great night`s sleep and are feeling better in the morning.

Kelshy
on 9/17/11 11:26 am - Cannifton, Canada
 Firstly feel good for YOU because you are important. Secondly men are sometimes blind.

My father doesn't know I had surgery. I saw him just last weekend for the first time in six months and he did not notice that I have lost weight. I had to give me head a shake over that one and onwards on the journey for ME ...


Chris

Feb 19 2010 Referral to Ottawa         Nov 24 2010 Orientation at TWH
Jan 25 2011 Nurse                               Feb 16 2011 Social Worker
March 10 2011 Psychiatrist                 April 8 2011 Surgeon
Surgery May 9 2011                             Bowel Obstruction/ internal Hernia Feb 13 2013  

    
lovin_life
on 9/17/11 11:59 am - Canada
Thank you soo much everyone!! I really appreciate it!! Me and my fiance did have a talk.. after he woke up from a quick nap he rolled over and said he liked my hair and I look beautiful..I told him how I felt and he felt bad..lol..But you are all right.. I need to feel good for me..and I do!
    
Referral sent to Guelph: April 2010        Second app (Nut/ Nurse): Jan. 31st/ 11
Orientation: September 16th, 2010        Surgery information class: May 10th/ 11          
Sleep Study: No sleep apnea                 Surgeon (Dr.Reed): July 19th/ 11     
H-pylori: Negative                                   PATTS: August 12th/ 11
(Nut/SW/Nurse): Dec.9th/10                     Surgery: August 18th/ 11                 
Sirene
on 9/17/11 12:13 pm - Ottawa, Canada
Wow.. do I ever feel like an ass..I feel like I wasted $300 today on nothing..I can't even feel good about myself because he brought me down so low..

Honey, I'll say this as nicely as I can....
He didnt bring you down. You own your own feelings. You were expecting him to read your mind. One thing (and probably the ONLY thing!) I have learned about men is that they absolutely do NOT read minds. They are not even very good at facial expressions or body language.....but minds.....never.
You were already down and in a sad mood and you expected your husband to pull you out of it and rescue you. Other people can give us pep talks, be supportive, be understanding and feed us energy but ultimately the only person that can change your mood/mind is YOU.

You had this surgery for yourself, not anyone else. Remember that.

You might want to think about the reasons why you had surgery and if one of them was "to be noticed"....you might want to rethink that and understand why you feel the need to be noticed. Is there something you need from your husband? If there is, then you will have to tell him. I wont put words into your mouth but as others have stated, and very bluntly, men are dumb. You have to tell him. If you expect him to read your mind, you will be sorely dissappointed over and over again.

Now......if it were ME (but dont forget that I'm a b*tch).....and I wish I could be so eloquent as the previous poster....I would have said something like....hey honey I used your credit card today to buy you a little gift!!! Come and take a closer look and tell me if it was worth it ;)

Either that, or stand directly in front of the TV. They hate that. You'll have his attention though....

OR....I would have probably gone out anyway. With friends or not. Then, when I got home afterwards and he asks where I was....I would have said something smart-assed like....well I got all dressed up to go out but you fell asleep so I went alone! I didn't want to waste such a great hair day!!!

Don't depend on someone else for your self-worth. You give all your power away by doing that.

Smile. Breathe. Repeat.

Jennifer  
    
    

 

 

Jennifer D.
on 9/17/11 12:16 pm
Eleanor Roosevelt said that "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent." This surgery was for you, not for anybody else. If you are feeling good about you, thats what matters. If your makeover made you feel like a princess - you deserve that. I know it's easier said than done but continue to love and take pride in yourself and others will follow in your foot steps in their own time.
                                      Jennifer
          Thank you Cheri and Holly!
       Think twice, cut once! I've had 3 surgeries now, RNY, VSG and DS .
                                Ask me about the DS or visit dsfacts.com
2002 - RNY
2010 - RNY to VSG
2011 - Full DS-August 24th
                HW 311   SW 306  CW 235  GW 150
StevesGal
on 9/17/11 12:47 pm - Hamilton, Canada
Everyone else has said it all, so all I'm going to do is say - you must have looked like a princess.

3D Prom Queen

Beth

Former RNY patient revising to Sleeve then DS.
Appts: Dietitian - January 21/19; July 16/19, August 13/19, September 17/19, October 15/19; Social Worker: August 23/19; DS Orientation: March 20/19; Internist: September 30/19; Surgeon: November 13/19 (signed consent).
Surgery Date: February 28/20.

MY RNY DIDN'T FAIL ME - I FAILED IT.

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