Open letter to Body Dysmorphia....

I've been having a really REALLY tough time lately...   Most of you know, I'm struggling with body dysmorphia..  and I'm usually pretty good at taming the demons...   recently...  they're getting the best of me.   So..   this is my self-talk to try and work through this....



"You don’t realize what you’ve done to me… and are doing to me. Every single day of my life. Before surgery, I was comfortable in my own skin… It was easy to hide myself from the world. Now that the weight is gone…. It’s like a book, with a new cover. The cover is different, but the story inside is exactly the same. So why am I being treated so differently? Why can’t I see what others see? Why when I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror for the first time, am I completely repulsed by what I see? You make me question the way I look in every single outfit I put on… You make me change my clothes at least 5 times a day before I decide on an outfit that I don’t look absolutely disgusting in.. I look at myself, and am repulsed. I still see that 415 lb girl… I feel like that girl. I don’t see what is actually there. I don’t accept what is actually there in the mirror staring back at me. You make me say "if I could just lose another 20 pounds, I’ll be ok….THEN I’ll be pretty". You make me disregard what my closest friends, and husband tell me about myself, and take over my thoughts… Will I ever be thin enough? Will I even be pretty enough? Will I ever be good enough….

 

I’m tired of you. I want you out of my life. I want to be happy, and comfortable. I want to feel like what I’ve achieved is good enough for myself.

 

I’m breaking it off with you.. I’ll beat these demons that drag me down. I’ll win.

 

You will have no power over me.

Sincerely...  your worst enemy...
~Me"

Every word you wrote mimmicks my own thoughts and feelings that I struggle with on a day to day basis. I always thought that by 5 years out, I would finally be "OK" with it all but I am not.

I feel exactly the same, Mary.

It's so tough.    It's been more of a mental battle for me, than it is a physical.

:) Thanks Jodi.  It's great to know I'm not alone.

You can add me to that list... This Saturday the 19th will be my 4 year surgiversary... and still everyday I struggle to look into a mirror, or to allow someone to take a picture of me and not be terrified to look at it.  No matter what other people say or do to make me see myself in a different light, it doesn't help.  It has to come from within, from you to you.  Keep on pluggin' and keep on fighting back and I have faith that one day we will all be comfortable with our new "covers".  Thank you for posting this.. It's not always easy to put your inner thoughts and feelings out there for everyone to read.  :)

Katie,

   It's awful!   And like you said, no matter what other people do or say...    I still feel the way I feel.  It's actually tough for me to hear someone say "you're beautiful" or "you're gorgeous" or god FORBID "you have a great body"       I look at them like...  wtf is the matter with you?!?!  lol  Like I said to Jodi, it's really comforting to know I'm not alone...   but holy crap..  still at 4 years out...   when does it go away?!    We'll get through this...   together.

When does it go away??... I wish I knew, it's definitely getting better.. I've noticed for me that when I step up and make my workout goals for the week, every week and eat right that I feel better, not necessarily because I look better but because I feel like I am being proactive and really doing something good for myself and my life.  I think we all go into this, especially women, thinking that losing weight will be the answer.. the fix to our demons and the key to our happiness... even those who don't want to admit it, thought it, if only for a moment.  When we get to the point where we've gotten used to our new bodies.. and people are used to seeing us they way we are now instead of a dwindling version of who we used to be.. reality sets in that this is it.. this is where we have to figure out how to be the newer smaller version of ourselves.  Not in a million years would I have imagined someone would say that I am pretty .. let alone beautiful or gorgeous or like you said.. have a great body... but here I am and it happens often and I've learned to smile and say a sincere thank you and take it to heart, but at the end of the day it's just me and that mirror and my struggle with perfection.  There is a book called "The Body Image Workbook" that my therapist gave me, it's an 8 week process that promises to greatly improve body image when it's complete... I have it, haven't dug into it yet.. but from what I've read so far it seems like it might be worth a shot. 

Your beautiful smile and outgoing posts definitely hide the demons inside that you're dealing with - I have always envied the fact that you seem totally comfortable in your new body - so I am really surprised to read your post, especially after your beautiful wedding and how happy you were.

I haven't experienced this body 'dysmorphia' syndrome that you're talking about and that I've read about - maybe because I'm older and am just so happy to finally feel 'normal' that I'm okay that my body isn't perfect. Don't get me wrong - I hate my saggy arms, *****s) and legs, but as far as my weight loss is concerned I'll be just as happy if I never lose another pound as I am right now. And trust me, I have more than 20 lbs to lose in order to reach certain 'goals' but I think because I've always been so fluffy and never thought I'd be this 'un-fluffy' I can finally find comfort in myself.

Positive affirmation is a wonderful thing - when you wake up in the morning the first thing to tell yourself is 'I am HEALTHY!' - I am FIT! - I can do things I could never do before. I can get up out of bed without aching joints. I can walk into my closet and put on 10 different things and know they'll FIT. I can walk into any store and shop. I can sit in any booth in any restaurant and not feel squished. I AM A BEAUTIFUL PERSON INSIDE AND OUT and most importantly, I have found my SOUL MATE.

Mary, those are things so many people wish they could wake up and say but can't - you have been given a wonderful gift with WLS and you have used it to its best advantage. You have found your life partner and you're both healthy and happy and have many, many wonderful years ahead.

Don't let the demons win...you didn't let your weight win - you took control of it and fought it til it was gone. The demons can't be any more difficult than that!!

Hot Damn Kathy!  I can't add another word to better suit the situation

I can't fight those demons for you, and I can't make you believe what WE already know.

What I can tell you is that you are one hell of a fighter, a fabulous friend, a loving wife, one hell of an ass kicker when needed, and a beautiful woman inside and out.

I struggle with many of the same issues, although I can say that I realize that my thoughts do not revolve around "another 10 pounds" or whatever the case may be.  They DO revolve around plastics "If I got a thigh lift, a breast lift, a tummy tuck, THEN I would look normal"  I'm not saying these thoughts are correct, nor are they healthy.  They are partially "passing the buck" in my opinion....IE...It's not MY fault and I CAN'T fix it.  Theoretically - I can't fix it.  Stretch marks broke my skin and cellulite made it all bumpy and gross and unfortunately no amount of toning will help most of those areas (My core,I will admit, can probably be helped ALOT by my increasing my own work, however)

I like Kathy's response, she summed it up beautifully, honestly, and truthfully.

Love you!

Pam

Oh - and you are NEVER EVER alone.  Not for a single second.