A not so quick update - now with GOOD news as of Wed AM!
Atlhough I'm not really sure where we stand.
Earlier today (in the morning) my parents called and said they "thought" it was still involuntary and he would be transferred to a facility in Newark. Which I have mixed feelings on as Newark was his old drug stomping ground. Granted, he probably can't get into trouble while he's physically there...but if he has to go up there for follow up...but that's a bridge we'll cross later. Then, when I was on the phone with them he called them saying he had "agreed" to a different facility - Monmouth Medical Center. And apparantly didn't KNOW about St. James (my father asked "what about st. james" and he flipped out, saying nobody had done anything for him, nobody had talked to him, and they call just ________off)
Let's see....went hours and hours w/o hearing anything until about 7 tonight when my dad called from work sounding terrible and telling me to call my mom because she was upset and to make her feel better, but to not let her know he called me.
Talked to mom....he WAS at St. James. But the facility leaves a lot to be desired. They don't answer phones, they didn't have answers for her, they didn't even know HOW she could call him, they didn't know if he had filled out paperwork, and most of them were haitian (not that I have anything against that) so they didn't speak English well.
He called screaming again...said that it was "worse than jail" and "if they can fit it in, come visit their Fing son" It's the anger, lack of meds, disease...but still...it hurts.
But then I heard from his GF (who should be cannonized, btw) and she said he wasn't yelling at her (huge step because her dropping off a supportive card is what started this whole thing yesterday in his mind) She said he sounded "ok" but wouldnt' talk long because he felt like he might tear up and he "didn't want them to see him cry" That's the first time I have seen an emotion other than anger in 24 hours, AND the most "human" thing I had heard from him in that time frame as well.
My parents are a wreck...my mom is also dealing with her elderly parents and has no support from her siblings with that. My dad refuses to go to any support groups for my brothers problems, as does my youngest brother who lives at home. She literally is doing almost everything on her own (my dad was VERY present yesterday and made LOTS of phone calls today about everything. Don't get me wrong...he's dealing with this) but when I suggested going to a support group meeting with or without him, she just "can't do something else alone" which I totally get. My mom is talking about quitting her job, which I don't think is a realistic possibility but we'll see.
So...there ya go. I appreciate ALL the words of support we have received. Brian has been a rock for us which I appreciate. I'm sorry I didn't respond to the last few posts individually - just got a little wrapped up today.
And yes, I understand they don't necessarily know what they are saying or remember the events...but there's more to that story that we dont' need to go into here. I am not suggesting we are ready to just walk away...but the relationship MUST change, be it on our end or his. And I'm ok with that. Infact I'm REALLY ok with that. He is easily becoming a negative influence in my life, on or off meds, and that's something that I've been trying to limit. We'll see where it goes.
So....there it is Hopefully I'll be able to post more concrete answers by friday or saturday
Earlier today (in the morning) my parents called and said they "thought" it was still involuntary and he would be transferred to a facility in Newark. Which I have mixed feelings on as Newark was his old drug stomping ground. Granted, he probably can't get into trouble while he's physically there...but if he has to go up there for follow up...but that's a bridge we'll cross later. Then, when I was on the phone with them he called them saying he had "agreed" to a different facility - Monmouth Medical Center. And apparantly didn't KNOW about St. James (my father asked "what about st. james" and he flipped out, saying nobody had done anything for him, nobody had talked to him, and they call just ________off)
Let's see....went hours and hours w/o hearing anything until about 7 tonight when my dad called from work sounding terrible and telling me to call my mom because she was upset and to make her feel better, but to not let her know he called me.
Talked to mom....he WAS at St. James. But the facility leaves a lot to be desired. They don't answer phones, they didn't have answers for her, they didn't even know HOW she could call him, they didn't know if he had filled out paperwork, and most of them were haitian (not that I have anything against that) so they didn't speak English well.
He called screaming again...said that it was "worse than jail" and "if they can fit it in, come visit their Fing son" It's the anger, lack of meds, disease...but still...it hurts.
But then I heard from his GF (who should be cannonized, btw) and she said he wasn't yelling at her (huge step because her dropping off a supportive card is what started this whole thing yesterday in his mind) She said he sounded "ok" but wouldnt' talk long because he felt like he might tear up and he "didn't want them to see him cry" That's the first time I have seen an emotion other than anger in 24 hours, AND the most "human" thing I had heard from him in that time frame as well.
My parents are a wreck...my mom is also dealing with her elderly parents and has no support from her siblings with that. My dad refuses to go to any support groups for my brothers problems, as does my youngest brother who lives at home. She literally is doing almost everything on her own (my dad was VERY present yesterday and made LOTS of phone calls today about everything. Don't get me wrong...he's dealing with this) but when I suggested going to a support group meeting with or without him, she just "can't do something else alone" which I totally get. My mom is talking about quitting her job, which I don't think is a realistic possibility but we'll see.
So...there ya go. I appreciate ALL the words of support we have received. Brian has been a rock for us which I appreciate. I'm sorry I didn't respond to the last few posts individually - just got a little wrapped up today.
And yes, I understand they don't necessarily know what they are saying or remember the events...but there's more to that story that we dont' need to go into here. I am not suggesting we are ready to just walk away...but the relationship MUST change, be it on our end or his. And I'm ok with that. Infact I'm REALLY ok with that. He is easily becoming a negative influence in my life, on or off meds, and that's something that I've been trying to limit. We'll see where it goes.
So....there it is Hopefully I'll be able to post more concrete answers by friday or saturday
Instead of complaining that the rosebush has thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses. 
Wow Pam... you are dealing with a lot of stress. Guess I missed the other posts about this situation. I am so sorry you are going through this with your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Wish there was something I could do to help you. Is there something I can do to help you?
You can't measure your achievements with someone else's yardstick!
Revision from lapband to RNY 12/26/17 with Dr. Caitlin Halbert
HW 260 SW 248 CW 154 GW 145
Gallbladder removed 9/18
Beth
Wow. That's a lot for you and your family to go through. I hope your brother gets good treatment and can turn his life around. I was struck by your statement that things need to change. Yes, they do. And remember that you can't fix everything. You can only do so much, and your brother needs to do his part. I walked away from my brother for 3 months at one point because he was out of control, and I couldn't keep fixing the messes he made. I'm not saying that you need to stay away from your brother; you need to recognize your limits and also take care of yourself.
Let me know if I can help in any way! Sending you a big hug!
Let me know if I can help in any way! Sending you a big hug!
Julia
I hope that they can transfer him to Monmouth MC instead of keeping him at St James - it is a much better facility and closer for your parents (and I'd assume his GF too).
Your family will continue to be in our thoughts and prayers. If you need anything while Brian is at his parents this weekend I'll be around ALL weekend, so will Chris.
*hugs* and Love
Liz
Your family will continue to be in our thoughts and prayers. If you need anything while Brian is at his parents this weekend I'll be around ALL weekend, so will Chris.
*hugs* and Love
Liz
Big hugs to you, Pam - this is a horrible ordeal for you, your parents and your brother. I do appreciate your feelings about your brother and the way it's affecting you - I feel the same way about my niece - there is only so much you can do to help, and then you have to focus on yourself and your parents. I am praying for your brother and hoping he is able to accept the help that he needs, but it is up to him.
Take care...we're all thinking about you and sending positive thoughts your way.
Kathy
Take care...we're all thinking about you and sending positive thoughts your way.
Kathy
'One shoe can change your life'...Cinderella
Pam,
Thanks for the update and for sharing the details. Sounds like St. James will at least get him started on the detox and med adjustment process, at least until you can find another facility (monmouth? Carrier just outside princeton?) to get him transferred to for the longer-term inpatient and then outpatient followup. Is there a SW at St. James who can be an intermediary with your parents?
Perhaps the NAMI chapter local to your parents would know contacts at St. James that could help them navigate there? Their "action teams" are designed to help in crisis situations like this - no support group meetings required. That way, your mom won't feel so alone in dealing with this, and your dad (and maybe younger brother) might find folks that they can talk to outside of the support group context since they're resistant to that.
I do understand about the need for the relationship to change and for you to protect yourself from the negative influence in your life. Absolutely and positively. Just wanted to put out there the perspective of the "one-sidedness" of the hurt that can be inherent in this disease, because it's something that has taken me a long time to really come to terms with.
Hugs and as always let me know if you or Brian need anything.
Karen
Thanks for the update and for sharing the details. Sounds like St. James will at least get him started on the detox and med adjustment process, at least until you can find another facility (monmouth? Carrier just outside princeton?) to get him transferred to for the longer-term inpatient and then outpatient followup. Is there a SW at St. James who can be an intermediary with your parents?
Perhaps the NAMI chapter local to your parents would know contacts at St. James that could help them navigate there? Their "action teams" are designed to help in crisis situations like this - no support group meetings required. That way, your mom won't feel so alone in dealing with this, and your dad (and maybe younger brother) might find folks that they can talk to outside of the support group context since they're resistant to that.
I do understand about the need for the relationship to change and for you to protect yourself from the negative influence in your life. Absolutely and positively. Just wanted to put out there the perspective of the "one-sidedness" of the hurt that can be inherent in this disease, because it's something that has taken me a long time to really come to terms with.
Hugs and as always let me know if you or Brian need anything.
Karen
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