testing...testing...

I do not post often...but I wanted you guys to know I check in and read the posts almost daily so I feel like I know most of you.  I don't always feel worthy of offering up my two cents because my experience and insight is still pretty limited and so many of you guys reply with such eloquence I can't add much to it. I just didn't want you guys to think I sporadically get on here and spew about myself without regard to other's struggles/issues. I just thought this was worth sharing. I have entered a new phase in my mental/emotional battle with obesity. At almost a year out I ventured out yesterday with the mindset that I would just be "normal".  I wouldn't count protein...ounces....carbs etc. Just eat using my pouch/stomach as my "inner voice" relying on it to tell me when to stop...when I was hungry...when I was satisfied. I have now retroactively tallied the score (I am pretty sure I remembered everything I consumed but as we all know that is a flawed method)...to be truly scientific I should have at least written it down as I went but I didn't want to inhibit myself or skew the behavior in any way. This is how close to normal portions or choices I got :

Breakfast - protein smoothie  Lunch - .5 ounces brisket - 3 tablespoons potato salad - 1 tablespoon pinto beans - 1 oatmeal cookie  (I actually had much more on my plate but this is about what I consumed - I did have a fleeting moment of my pouch groaning and me still wanting what was on the plate) Dinner - 3 tablespoons potato salad 1 table spoon beans - 1 small piece American Flag cake (wasn't really interested in the food just wanted to have a reason to sit at the table and socialize I guess) Snacks: Popsicle and about 5 chips (these two make no sense - it was about 11:30 p.m. and I was working on some job stuff...totally no thought involved and the most scary of all the food consumed for the day) So I then called my average sister in law (about 5' 5" and about 130 lbs) and asked what she had to eat yesterday.  To the best of her memory ( and she was pretty sure she didn't remember everything) she had: breakfast: nothing lunch: chicken breast, grilled veggies, salad and average slice of apple pie dinner:   3 enchiladas, rice, beans, guacamole, chips & salsa, fried ice cream snacks:  100 cal wheat thins and a granola bar According to fitday.com  I had:  1166 cals   52 g fat   140 g carbs   40 g protein She had:   2345 cals   106 g fat    252 g carbs  109 g protein A  side note:  she added at the end of her list that she was bloated...felt stuffed and did not usually eat like this but was at 2 different functions yesterday.  I asked her how she felt about her food choices for the day...she said mentally she had made a note to skip lunch for a few days and do about 30 minutes more StairMaster tomorrow.  She experienced no real guilt...just resigned to the no lunch thing and felt like the trade off was acceptable. After putting pen to paper I felt huge guilt over the snacks, cake and cookie.  I had some negative inner dialog and some thought to extra exercise.  I did not plan to let my eating yesterday effect today's because I know I need protein and proper food and I knew that limiting my food would be counter productive. 

 

I also wondered to myself - if it were not for the holiday - would I have eaten differently - and I think the answer would have been yes - I probably would have foregone the cookie and cake...just not sure if something else would be in its place. I would like to do the experiment again on a non-holiday day but to tell the truth I am too scared at this point.   The experiment may or may not have yielded insight into my eating psyche now but it did reveal the following to me: I need structure...I need to write down and analyze what I eat.  It makes me feel safe and like I am being faithful to my commitment. I need good food ...I felt like crap last night and still this morning Water makes a HUGE difference in my energy level and skin in just 1 day (I probably had about 16 ozs all day - lots of sf tea) I am still addicted to food...I still get excited when it's a free-for-all, the thought of eating sans rules made me practically giddy and if it were not for the physical limitations (lets hypothetically say I had been simply dieting for the last 9 months)...I would have binged and probably ended on a downhill spiral. Bottom line I guess is I am still a fat girl with an internal baby-sitter that I really need. But one of these days soon I am going to have to be trusted to stay home alone....

Would help if I could.But I'm very pre-op. Take care kristin

  An internal babysitter!  That's a good one! I don't mind being babysat cause I know I'd run wild without her!       

Please post more often!!  I for one, found your post very enlightening.  It is me in a nutshell, I too need a babysitter!!   BTW, a lot of us have absolutely nothing of value to say, were just friends hanging out.  Jump on the train and take a seat, we would love to have you.

hi ...thank you... i wonder sometimes if my ramblings make sense to anyone other than myself and my inner fat brat... it's good when someone "gets" you.