Felt Like Crying

OK, our surgery practice requires a gallbladder ultrasound, an upper GI barium swallow and cardiac clearance.  So today I went in for the first two tests.  I had to pay towards my deductible and for some reason writing that check made it seem so *real*, and all those doubts and fears bubbled up in the waiting room and I almost cried!  I'm not a weenie, I promise. 

I felt scared of surgery, embarrassed about being fat, defeated in my efforts to eat properly on my own, and bewildered by the whole medical establishment.  I've never had anything more exciting happen than having my wisdom teeth pulled.  Everyone kept asking me where it hurt and why I was having these tests, and I said "pre-surgery clearance" but it wasn't enough - sleeve gastrectomy seemed to do the trick. 

I'm so glad I could come back and read your posts.  Thanks.

Yes, the process is WAY more frustrating than it needs to be. It reminds me of first year college weed out classes. -Think of it as a battle, and simply refuse to let them win.

I think of it as pre-op insurance ! By the time you have surgery, they will have looked at and reviewed every darned organ system, and declared you "safe for surgery" -- yes, frustrating, I know. I started my journey in March of 2010, and had surgery in January 2011 --- heart stress tests, heart non stress test, abdominal ultrasound, Upper GI, blood test after blood test, chest x-ray, Pregnancy test (I had a hysterectomy 4 years ago !)

But I figured that all of it was my "insurance policy" that all would be fine with surgery -- and it was !!!

Put a new spin on the pre-op tests and count each one as another stepping stone to good health !

Thanks, guys!    It always surprises me that I get so emotional about all this.

 Aw, try not to be down on yourself.  As you can see, you are SO not alone.  Like all of us, you made every effort in the past.  Now you are just taking the ultimate step for your health.  It's nothing to be upset about - be proud of yourself for having the guts to make this commitment.  You will do great, *****s) up (grin).  We are here for you!

The pre-op process is so bewildering and overwhelming at times! You'll get through it! It's so normal to feel scared and nervous. I also felt down about myself that I couldn't lose the weight on my own. Journal your thoughts or talk it through with a friend. You'll get through all the hoops and steps.

well be glad you are having these health checks as they will insure a smoother safer surgery. Its always scary and can bring up all the emotions associated with being overweight and making a big decision. I think you will find that going through this stuff now emotionally will make your resolve firmer and you will be over all that after your surgery and won't go through regrets and emotional things later. I know I did - got it over with early on.

As for the surgery, read my blog page for an account of a very good and easy surgical experience. Might make you feel better. I have had dental work worse than this procedure. Just make up your mind that you are going to do exactly what your doctor says and be prepared for the changes in your life. It is so awesome to have the weight off I can't even tell you. So let those emotions run their course and then get ready for a life changing experience. you will be so glad you did this.  Diane

Thanks for your kind words guys!  I am glad to get everything checked out.  The women doing the Upper GI were super positive about the sleeve - they knew all about it and congratulated me on having the insurance to cover it instead of a bypass.  It is all that emotional stuff... 

I weighed 254 when I graduated from high school, and more than I do now when I was in college.  The 6 or 7 years I spent under 200 pounds in my late 20s/early 30s were amazing.  I remember putting my hands on a ledge behind me and jumping up to sit on it - I flew up into the air!  I could walk for miles, ride a bike, do a backwards somersault.  I could sit on an airplane and cross my legs. 

Today, I want to hold a plank in Pilates for more than a minute, and do all those exersizes that my big butt and stomach get in the way of (roll-over, here I come!).  That's really what I'm most looking forward to, besides improved mobility and fitting back into a plane seat comfortably.

I can totally relate to the emotions you're expressing.  Embarrassment about being fat is the worst.  To that, I add "anger that we have to feel that way."  I'm a firm believer that this is NOT OUR FAULT.  Read the book "Rethinking Thin" by Gina Colada.  The research is very compelling.  It just ticks me off so much that everybody LIKES to blame the fat people.  DOCTORS!  Sorry, I can't stop shouting about this.  You are in a vulnerable place right now as you prepare for surgery.  These feelings will come up, and you can consider it an opportunity to soothe and heal yourself.  You are dealing with the hand you got dealt in the most responsible way you know how.  When you become a teeny tiny skinny person, please remember that vulnerability--it helps us to keep our compassion.  Don't ever become a fat blamer!  Best of luck to you!  You will do great!  Jenny

OMG, I promise not to become a fat blamer!!  Pinky-swear!   I know we have the metabolism of hunter-gatherers while living in the land of abundant refined carbohydrates.  I also promise it is not my goal to be a teeny tiny skinny person.  I would be thrilled to be under 180 (what I weighed in middle school).