Divorce really sucks... even when it's for the best...

The title says it all :-(  I have been weepy for days.  He signed the papers for me today so that I can file... I am the one who wants it... he is willing to work on it, but it is much to late... we had a very unhealthy/abusive dynamic and I simply can't allow me or our daughter to get sucked back into that... but it wasn't ALL bad... and it is so hard to end 13 years... he was my only everything... we've been apart since April... and in that time he has made some changes, but also been his typical self more often than not (yelling, calling me nasty names, accusing me of things, threatening to kill himself, denying things, threatening to screw up my credit... stuff like that).

I feel stupid, but I still love him on some level, I just can't be with him... and it was so hard today... we meet for 2 hours and after the paperwork was out of the way we just talked... he hugged me goodbye and it was just so comfortable... he said he's sorry for all that he put me through, and that he ****** it up past the point of fixing... and that he wishes I would consider working on it....

(for the record, we have both moved on to other relatoinships since the separation, and in the past he ha**** me multiple times and twice threatened to kill me... so I'm not just refusing to work with him...)

So with all of that... it still hurts so much...

I have been in your shoes and I wish you the best. I hope that goes quickly and that you will not have to have any more harsh words with him. That is not good for you or your daughter.
Focus on the future and your new life with your new skinny body!
Best wishes!

I agree. I'm going through it right now myself, and it's really ******g hard (sorry for the language)

But, there's no opportunity for us to grow and work on ourselves when we stay in toxic relationships. Personal growth and change may be the hardest things to do, but we just have to do it and have hope for a better future.

Hope you are able to work past this and be content without him soon.

Thanks... the thing is I'm more than content... I'm happier without him... but then there are days like this when the reality just crashes down... sometimes it feels kind of surreal... I know in a few days I'll feel better, but then I know this wave will hit again... I know it's just a process... but I wi**** was over :-(

I SOOO FEEL YOUR PAIN...BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT ALSO UNFORTUNATELY. BIG BIG HUGS.

i know exactly how you feel...i got divorced in 2004 after being married for 20 years..together for 22...i started dating him when i was 16..he was all i knew..we had 2 kids..our oldest went off to college and then all of a sudden i find out he didn't love me anymore and hadn't in 5 years and he wanted out..when we got divorced i thought what am i gonna do now...i had never been on my own before..we got married right after i graduated at 18..i thought i was a failure and cried and moped aroundbut for my son i had to get some balls and move on...i did and my life was great..im could do what i wanted when i wanted had my own money...and i was happy..a year and a half after my divorce i met a wonderful man, started dating weve been together for 6 years..and married for 3...i fund someone who loves me for me and lets me be me..he is more than i couldve ever prayed for....so please don't give up on your self...things will turn around for you

The pain will not go away tomorrow.  Who knows if things were to be different some time in the future. It could be in a few years etc.  But now it sounds as if you need your space and it appears as if you know what you want right now, although nothing is written in stone.  What I would recommend is that you change your furniture around, change your curtains.  Put away things that will remind you of him.  Stay busy, go out with friends, visit family members that are polite.  I am speaking from experience.  I was involed in a relationship and when it terminated I was devistated.  I learned a lot about myself through this experience.  Later in life, several years later both my parents were diagnosed with cancer a few months apart.  They lost thier battle to cancer a week apart on October of the year 2000.  In both experiences I suffered a lot.  Loss is loss and it comes in many ways shapes and forms.  I wish you the best.

Santos

I'm so sorry!  I can;'t imagine how hard that was for you!

I have taken your advice... I have totally rearraanged my house and got rid of most of the old furnature, bed included, and I have surrounded myself with friends and family... I have some great support.  Yesterday was just really, REALLY hard... I know those days will continue to pop up, but i'll get through.  I just have a LOT on my plate right now :-(

Thanks, although it would be unfair to say I am over the pain, I can honestly say its easier to handle as time goes by.  Personally I think the same applies when there is a break up or other type of loss.  It was nice to hear that you did make some changes in your apartment, that helps so much psychologically speaking.  Please continue to stay engaged with family and friends and keep posting it will keep you busy. 

Good luck,

Santos:)

I hear ya loud and clear...it is a very difficult thing to do.  I have been in your shoes.  I was married for 11 years and had 2 daughters.  I dealt with his emotional abuse throughout the entire marriage.  I was called ugly, fat, stupid.  I could never do anything on my own (even run to the corner store for shampoo), the jealousy was so bad.  He'd put me down and then said "but I love you and no one will ever love you the way I do."  Well thank GOD for that!!  I told him after 9 years that I wasn't in love with him anymore and he laughed at me.  I worked at the relationship and tried to make it better for one solid year and he did nothing.  Then I became depressed, started taking medication.  My oldest daughter, then 9, was having major stomach issues.  Drinking Children's Mylanta by the glassfull and puking all the time.  After 1 more year of that, something clicked...I didn't want to be taking depression medication, but most of all, I owed a better life to my daugthers.  So I got up enough nerve to file for divorce.   The day he moved out, my daughter didn't have any more stomach problems and hasn't touched Mylanta since.  I figured my job, first and foremost was to be the best mom possible to my 2 daughters.  I wanted them to see what a good, strong marriage is supposed to be, not a debilitating one that I had.  I didn't want them to step in my footsteps and be in a hostile and abusive relationship when they got older.  Now, don't get me wrong, like your husband, my ex wasn't a "bad" guy.  He was funny and we enjoyed a lot of laughs through the years, but my daughters and myself were NOT going to tolerate that kind of abuse.  For example, when my oldest daughter was 5, he got mad at her and threw a suitcase at her and told her to pack up her things and get the hell out of his house.  AHEM, I DON'T EVEN THINK SO!!  

Anyway, take it from someone who has been in your shoes, it is difficult, probably be the most difficult thing you do, but it is the best thing for you and your daughter!   Remember when you're sitting there and you feel yourself miss him.  Is it really HIM you're missing or just the idea of him being around, i.e. the support, someone that knows you, etc.??  

Also, becareful with the new relationship.  There were people telling me right after that I need time to heal, get to know myself again, take time for me, work on myself, etc.  I didn't get it, I didn't believe it, cuz it felt so damn good to be with someone besides my ex and be treated like I should.  I dated quite a bit, even before my divorce was final.  I wouldn't recommend it.  I wish I would have taken time for me and to work on myself.  You need time to get rid of the old feelings, the old abusive thoughts and words that will replay themselves in your head for years.  Take this time to spend and show how wonderful life can be for your daughter.  

Sorry for me going on and on, but I know exactly what your going through.  Please, if you need any help, a shoulder or some advice, add me to your friends and email me anytime!  

Just know that you did the right thing for you and your daughter!  xoxox