Damn, damn and double damn....I am not ok and I need to face it....*long*

Thank you so much!

I'm not good at fixing this kinda **** but I'm on my way to my moms to fix her sticky door..... nothing a sander and a hammer can't fix....

Your WL accomplishments speak for themselves......speaking at a national conference......that's top level.....

You always speak highly of your family.... and you can wear pumps while cleaning the house..... that's OK in my book !!!!

All I can tell you is that...... I think your pretty OK !!!

frisco

Awww, Frisco, you have helped me every.single.step of this journey, you have been there for me since day one and your support and encouragement mean more to me then you might ever really know.  Thanks for all your wisdom and friendship, you are awesome.

Sadly, vanquishing the demons of our lives is an ongoing war and each victory is only a battle...there will almost always be more. Hugs and love to you as you conquer one battle at a time.

Thank you so much for taking the time to post, your words help, they really do!

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I totally understand where you're coming from. I had a disgusting childhood too (I actually had nightmares about it last night) and I'm currently repeating history with my current actions. It's a situation I never thought I'd put myself in but I think I wanted to go "live" and experience things at a smaller size (which I'm still big) and it ended up blowing up in my face. I reverted back to all my old behaviors and relationship types. As much as they tell you not to, I believed that being much smaller than I was would bring out some secret happiness and wonderful life. It hasn't. It seems that it's more difficult for me to deal with problems now than it was before. I really can't explain it.

I do think maybe some form of medication may  help you. I'm already on meds and I'm still broken but I think some times people need some kind of temporary mood stabilizer for when they are experiencing the feelings that you are. It may help you look at things from a better perspective and work through your issues.

The nightmares are the ******g worst, my nighttime anxiety has been though the roof lately which leads me to not sleeping because I would rather just be awake then deal with it. It's harder for me to deal with it, b/c I can't just go on a bender and drive thru to drive thru stuffing my face and feelings down.

Recently I have put myself in so many situations that could have blown up in my face, it was just sheer luck that I made it out of them without real incident. It wasn't until I did something the other night that was SO out of character for me that it hit me and I saw just how self destructive I had become in that moment.

And let me tell you, being "tiny" has its own set of issues, like the fact that people really do think its just ok to put their hands on you and feel like it's totally ok to just make comments about my body, and it immediately brings me back to a place I would rather not go. I always thought that the attention would be amazing, and in some cases it is, but in most its unwelcome and uncomfortable. It's crazy just how complex it all is, anyone who thinks its going to be simple is in for a rude awakening.

Thank you so much for posting, it really does help to know I am not crazy and that I am in good company on this road, for so long I thought I was the only person in the world who struggled with these feelings, and it helps just to know that other people understand.

Sending you a cyber hug...My DD is adopted and I've held her while she cried for hours w/ pain in her soul. Like "Happy" said.... sometimes the emotions wash over like a tsunami. But you are an AMAZING woman, strong woman... and you will ride thru this to the other side.

Sending you lots of hugs and thoughts of strength as you battle within.

Thank you so much for taking the time to post to me, it means a lot, I can always use the hugs and good thoughts!

Look, I am new around here, but your post is amazing.  The fact that you can get all that up through your gullet and live above it all, I admire you.  Your Dad, I will punch in the nuts if I ever see him.  

Hugs to you as you work through this and emerge an even more brilliant butterfly.