Damn, damn and double damn....I am not ok and I need to face it....*long*

Oh Sean, you have been such a great friend though this whole process, really, I appreciate your input, support and just plain awesome advice always. Thanks for always being there when I need you!

Courtney,

I'm sorry for what you've been through and what you are going through.

Sending warm thoughts as you work all this out...

J.

Thank you so much!

I had some things happen in childhood that bother me very much too. I get the doubt and lack of self-worth. I was pretty destructive to myself in my early 20's. I was wild--I partied and did some risky sh*t-and I did a lot of things I regret. I was thin back then but because I had an eating disorder. So you see--my youth times that you are thinking about wanting--were spent being self-destructive. I am worried those things you are craving to do would send you spiraling downhill. It is not worth it. I partied and did wild things because I didn't feel worth a crap and be damned the consequences. With your issues, you could be heading down the same path. The grass IS NOT GREENER, I SWEAR. I, too, now live for my kids and my husband but also for myself. You have to live for YOU too. You deserve some healing and love. You deserve kisses and hugs. You deserve to have your kids hug you every day and tell you how wonderful you are. IF you could see yourself through your kids eyes--you'd know that you were amazing! I think therapy is a great idea and keep an open mind. YOU ARE WORTH LOVE, WORTH HAPPINESS, and WORTH A BRIGHT FUTURE. It took me a looong time to let go of my past, and sometimes I still feel bad, but I remember that life is what I choose to make it now--because back then I had no choice. Just like your choice to get the sleeve--you knew you were worth it to get healthy. And you are worth it now. Big hugs and love coming from Texas.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, it rings a bell, and I can see how it the grass isn't always greener. I see how so many of thing things I want are really just self destructive behaviors that are going to lead me to a place I don't need to be, its just so hard to admit that because then I have to accept the fact that I want it for all the wrong reasons. Probably doesn't make much sense, but my thinking can be so twisted up and backwards, makes it hard to see though the crap to the truth.

Just wanted to let you know that you were on my mind and in my prayers.   

A friend of mine (social worker) had an interesting insight about therapy and returning to therapy.  She told me once that dealing with our issues is like peeling off the layers of an onion.  Most of us can only deal with one layer at a time.  Sometimes the things that shape our lives are very deep and the same issue may affect many layers, but in different ways.  Once we peel off a layer and put it behind us, a new layer is exposed -- it may take a while for that 'new layer' to rise to the surface, but when we are ready to deal with the next layer (even if it is another layer of the same issue), it starts to demand our attention again.  Dealing with our many 'layers' is part of the healing process -- think of this as your brain's way of bringing the next layer to the surface so you can peel it away and heal a new part of those deep wounds and heartaches. 

*hugs*

So, so true. Thank you so much for that, sometimes I think we don't want to admit how deeply we are hurt by things, that if we try to limit it to one "layer" then we think we are doing better then we really are! I think being that this is my first holiday season at "goal",  I have exposed a whole new layer to the sun and it stings!

Hey Courtney!

Just hang in there love.  Having a foundation of trauma never goes away.  It is work everyday even when we think we've conquered it.  Losing fat exposes us in ways we never thought possible.  We think we are ready for it then we experience it and it could be terrifying.  Just keep marching on C.  You really are awesome and having experienced the bad stuff has made you incredibly special.

Much love,

(((SQUEEZE)))

L

Aww L, thanks for posting, I can always count on you and I know it! You have been such a great support though this whole process!

I hugged your neck in a PM, in case the messager does not tell you, like it tends to not tell me.

*more neck huggin*

b