Feeling misunderstood

I am getting sleeved in 2 1/2 weeks. The only two people who know is my mom and my husband. They are trying to be supportive but it is very frustrating. When I try to explain to them the things I learn about what I need post-op and even pre-op, they both will try to generalize it. My husband will say things like "so basically its atkins" when I tried to explain my post-op care... or my mom will go on rants about the few people shes known *****gained the weight from their surgeries (I know those people... not shocked the weight came back). I am just extremely frustrated. I asked them both to lurk around the OH VSG board to try to understand more, or to listen without generalizing what I am saying. My mom, I don't expect her to totally understand... she has always been one to get stuck in her own world of thought. My husband, however, I keep asking him to understand what I am going through... to educate himself on what my needs will be and he just continues to generalize it. If I here "its just like atkins" one more time I might throw my shoe at him. lol

No but really... but making such a general statement I don't think he is understanding my needs post-op... understanding the transitions I will be making and how little food I will begin eating. He has also been making rather insensitive statements about my weight... not being mean, but saying "jokes" like "once you lose 100lbs I will!" (I asked him to be more polite or something like that and that answer came from his mouth). He said other things that hurt me but I can't remember the contexts of them. I just feel like he continues to bring up my weight... yes I am having the surgery but for him to make light of my post-op care and then to make comments so much about my weight... it hurts. Thing is, he NEVER was like this before. He would never put me down over my weight... I know he doesn't realize he is hurting me. I told him those things weren't ok to say... he says sorry but then a few hours later, some other insensitive thing comes out of his mouth. Its like, because I am doing something about my weight he now feels like he has the right to make comments about it... maybe because he thinks it wont matter now that the weight will come off? I don't know... but its been hurting. 

It is so strange to feel like I have no support when the people around me SAY they support me. 

Hello Jennifer

I too feel the same way. My mom and boyfriend are the same way. I know when i was pre op i wanted so bad to educate them and honestly i felt they should be interested instead i got the response oh well i can still be supportive without learning everything there is to know...but i am glad that i found this website. It has helped me deal with my feelings and I am not alone in the way i am feeling. I hate when i am generalized. My boyfriend reminds me of this one chick (she had surgery ) but claims she lost 350 lbs all by herself in a two year period with out surgery. He often asked me why do you have to have surgery can't you just go to a zumba class like her. I used to be so mad. I didnt let him get me down now i am 14 days post op and he can see the weight come off. I have lost a good bit in the last three weeks. You are defintely not alone. I know it is frustrating. I cried a few nights over this same thing, I dont like being compared and i often had to remind my self he has a simple mind to think she dropped 350lbs in a two year period with out any kind of help...okay sure.. but anyways keep your head up. I hope you enjoy your sleeve as much as i do. I thought i would be more "helpless" than i really was. I actually got up and was able to make my own meals and stuff. Hope you have a speedy recovery.

Thank you so much! Honestly... this is a bit of a shock for me to deal with him. Yes, he can be rather insensitive at times (never on purpose... he is just really that clueless... haha) but the fact that he KNOWS the long term issues I have had with my weight, how sensitive I am about it, yet he still makes comments now... just because I am having surgery and will lose the weight. 

I am just struggling with the lack of support when he swore up and down he would be the most supportive husband. I am sure I will get over it... just the closer my surgery date gets the more sensitive I am to all of this... 

I read your post and thought, "Your husband needs to talk to my husband".  Seriously, you are going to need a great deal of support and this is the time to start giving it to you.  In a short time, this will all be behind you, but the way he will handle the next few months will have a huge effect on your success with the program and on your relationship.  You will never totally forget the people that will really support you or completely forgive the people that didn't show up.  In a few months you are going to ooze confidence and look sexier than you have in years, does he really want a ticked off sexy wife on his hands?  Next time he makes a stupid or insensitive comment, don't get sad, get angry.  Look him straight in the eyes and tell him that this is not going to cut it.  Tell him that he really needs to stand up and be your hero, you will more than reward him for it.  Show him some of the before and after pix and tell him that my husband thinks that the ROI is more than worth it.  :)  He is your best friend and your man and you expect his love and support to carry you when you get weak and need it most, like now.

My husband knows this is a game changer. I have had several surgeries during our marriage... 2 c-sections, exporatory and a hysterectomy... and with each surgery he became distant. In fact, some of the worst fights in our marriage were during my recoveries because he would basically ignore me. He knows he did that, he wants to change that... he knows that how he is for THIS surgery... this life altering surgery (more so than my hysterectomy because we already decided we were done having children)... this surgery will be a deciding factor for our marriage. 

I have told him some of the things he says is unacceptable... and he understands... but then when I tell him what I need from him to feel the support, he will argue back that he IS doing those things... of course I counter the logic by saying "If you are, then I would feel supported." I am pretty easy to please. As long as I feel like someone cares, I am a happy girl! My husband tends to hide behind "chores" like caring for our kids (which usually consists of him getting to play with toys... lol) or going to stores... but when I just need him around its like I am an annoyance. 

I know my husband loves me... he does try his best with what he THINKS I need... but he lacks the listening to know what I ACTUALLY need. And if it is hard, he doesn't like to try. The emotional stuff is hard for him... so he does what he knows... being a good father and running around to get things done. I am grateful he does those things but yeah... I need extra support. *sigh*  I need to have a serious talk with him... if he will let me have one with him.

I just love you

Thank you!!

I have two thoughts on your post.  Both have to do with being a man.  By the way I know it isn't easy to tell from my avatar but I am a man so I am talking from experience.

First thing is that we like to fix things.  If something is broken it is in our nature to try and come up with a solution.  It is quite possible that your husband sees your pain and your issues and is likely frustrated that the "fix" is out of his control.  He has to let someone else do this surgery to his wife and he may feel a bit helpless as well as a lot nervous about this procedure.

Second thing is that a lot of time men will turn to jokes when nervous about something.  Or if a wife is going to have surgery and it is a little scary their could be some anxiety there that is firing up his joking or attempts at joking.  He could be trying his best to lighten a situation that he feels needs lightening.  

I am just thinking out loud here and I am not a psychologist and I also don't know you or your husband or anything about your relationship with each other.  So these are just thoughts that I am throwing out to you to perhaps explain his side of things.  It really is hard for men to sit back and let their loved ones go into a surgery where it is out of their control and something could happen even if it is extremely unlikely.  And it is not uncommon to try and joke about things to ease your own mind about what is about to happen.

Just my two cents.

Thank you for your input and you are right in many ways... doesn't change the hurt though. lol I mean, none of what he says is mean spirited and he wants to be supportive. I have had other surgeries in the past so this is nothing new... but I know it isn't out of being mean or anything like that. I just need him to step up a bit more...