FIL died 8/1 -- eating!?!??!?! kinda long

hi all,

bad couple of weeks.  my partner's father died unexpectedly 8/1 after a long fight with Pakinson's.  it wasn't related specifically but his heart gave out.  she's always been close, as been up and down 95 (we live in DC, they live outside Princeton, NJ) numerous times since Feb, and it was such a shock.  we've been up and back twice since he died for 4 days (Th-M) and just got back from memorial/ashses spreading at 11:30 last night.  i am frankly worn out and very sad.  we've been together since 1980 and that's a long time to love someone.  a loss for a DIL too!

Eating has not been fab.  lots of crap/comfort/slider food, though i may not have gained.  def not enough protein!  my NUT is going to kill me!  Just kinda felt like there were more important things to worry about.

kind of freaking about getting back on track and how this is going to affect my sweetie as it becomes more real and permanent.  bad, bad time.  also bad time at work after i took my boss to HR complaint and was found "unfounded" and told it was a management issue and was going to be handled as such.  by our department head.  who is a hard ass.  and has been riding me mercilessly.  i want to run away and cry and quit this job.  which is sad because i love my job.

lots of pain.  kids, change your emotional eating habits before you are in maintenance.  because they will come back and bite you in the butt if you don't.  and your butt will be bigger.

sorry so long.  had to get it out!  hugs to all!    i just feel so sad and hopeless.  bad, bad, bad.  sorry for the whining!

So very sorry for your loss. My therapist yesterday commended me for being able to filter out the noise of life and focus on me. Perhaps this is something you can strive for in the upcoming days or weeks. You can get back on track, I am sure.

laurie

I'm sorry to hear about your loss, and I'm sorry that you are feeling like that, please receive a big hug from me, I so get it! I will keep you in my prayers.

Please do not beat yourself up over it.  You've suffered a loss, and whether we like it or not, food is comforting.  The bright side is, you know that that type of eating is bad for you, thus the reason you are feeling bad now.    You will get back on track, have faith in yourself, and take heart knowing that you have a loved one looking out for you.  

Unfortunately I have no words of wisdom on the job front, as I don't work outside the home, but sometimes the best thing you can do is just wash your hands of the situation, and do your job to the best of your ability, and let everything else just pass on by. 

 

I found that when my FIL died, the best thing I could do for my husband was just simply hold him, and don't forget.  We make a birthday cake on his birthday, and that makes him feel good, that I/we haven't forgotten. 

Sorry for your loss and the sadness, it is certainly a difficult time. Nothing but time will heal these wounds.

Unlike the others I will tell you to beat yourself up until you get back on track. Life happens, both good and bad. You can't use food to deal with it. You can't use life as an excuse to eat poorly, it truly makes things worse.  You want to be there for your partner long term and in order to pull that off you need to eat healthy all the time. This makes me a bit of a hippocrit having just come back from a vacation of food tasting, but there is a big difference here. I did not use food to comfort me or to cope with any issues. I do not know how I would react in your position but I promise you good food will help ease the pain way more than the crappy easy food will. Plus the time to prepare gives you a few minutes away from the sad thoughts.

Now for getting back on track, you just need to do it. That's all.

Hi Keith,

I'm just pissy enough that i wanted to make a quick reply.  i am NOT going to beat myself up b/c i know from long experience in life and in mental health that it is not a fruitful way to solve problems.  Also, and i think this is an important consideration:  i am almost 3 years out.  you are definitely a rock star and you have one of the best, most powerful voices on the board right now, which i think is great, actually.  You give me goals a lot of the time.  but it's way easier to toe a hard line just shy of a year out than it is 2 years later.  you may find yourself eating for comfort at some point.  and i hope you don't beat yourself up.  none of us deserves that.

back to good food!  best to you, my man!

Perhaps "beat yourself up" was not the best of terms, but it seems to be the one everyone uses. I guess what I am really trying to say is to keep the focus on you and your goals. Life is not easy, never has been, never will be and if it is, it is only temporary. I don't think there ever is any harm in you questioning your behavior, but letting it eat at you is counter productive. You do however need to focus on you as well as your partner during this time.

And don't get me wrong, I fully understand this gets harder and harder the farther out we go, I see that every day. I can only imagine what it will be like at 3 years. But I think the principals are sound. 

So yes, don't beat yourself up, but make sure you take care of you during this time too. That was really my sentiment regardless of how poorly I stated it.

Please understand my heart goes out to you and your partner.

Keith - I think you are a rock star as well but something to consider. You might want to take this approach and say absolutely never use food for comfort blah blah blah. But, you definitely do come off as a little bit of a hyprocrite given your vacation festivities and here's why 

We all have issues, we all have reasons why we got fat. Not all of us were emotional eaters (though Id wager a good percentage of us were). Some people just love to eat. Some people were social eaters - some just loved food, some just couldnt control their portions, some people just made really bad choices all the time. You apparently have  difficulty on vacations, special occassions. Not all of us have that problem, but none of us would send a reply to you like you did here. It doesnt matter how much help we get - at times, we are going to resort to eating as a coping mechanism. I went 2.5 years without using food as a coping mechanism, but then there came a point where I was too overwhelmed to cope at all. So, we are never safe, or healed or free from this curse. We do however learn along the way to make better choices, control the eating a bit more, stay more away and get back on track sooner. 

So lets all just jump in and give her a big hug, and help her find her way. I struggled for 6 months before I got a grip but with enough support, eventually I did. 

I agree with everything you said. I do admit my phrasing was terribly insensitive but my intended sentiment was more to say that she should try to keep some focus on herself as well. Eating poorly in the long run will most likely make her feel worse and only add more misery to her situation. 

I will take the A-Hole award for the day. My original post was sent with the best of intentions but was terribly worded. I wish Ann and her partner only the best and my sincerest condolences for their loss. 

Naaa....no A-Hole awards here. A-Holes just start more drama and BS. I think you will be easily forgiven for your post since I know you only have great intentions and you are a huge support here. 

But, I think you could apologize by going and doing 100 burpees :)