My name is Marianne and I am dying

Thank you, everyone, for the flood of emails and replies, Overwhelmingly supportive and positive. It makes me feel so much better that so many of you can relate to how I feel. I just can't thank you enough. I have updated my profile for those of you interested. The docs say that MOST of my intestines are now in my hernia. I can't lay down to sleep because it pulls on my heart, causing PVC's, premature ventricular contractions (extra hearbeats). The doc thinks there may be scar tissue wrapped around an artery, or an artery trapped in the hernia. I am taking meds to curb the cardiac events it was causing. I have to sleep upright so my heart doesn't start hurting I haven't had an actual heart attack yet, but it sure fooled me.. It hurts to sleep sitting upright because it's compressing the hernia. It feels like my ribs are cutting into the hernia. It's almost my entire abdomen now. I have done nothing but fight for medical care for the last year, and I have gotten counseling. 6 surgeons and no one will touch it unless they do a gastric bypass. There are a couple reasons for that. One is that it will be my 3rd hernia repair. The other is "loss of domain". The space where my intestines belong no longer exists. My intestines are being squeezed out like a tube of toothpaste. (That's quoting a surgeon.) When they try to do a hernia repair, it's going to put a lot of pressure on my diaphram, heart, liver and lungs and may bause them to fail. Not having surgery will cause them to fail as there isn't enough intestine to support them in my abdominal cavity. Most of the time I feel pretty positive and forget where all this is going. Then reality sets in and I feel like a walking horror movie. There's a scene in Hannibal involving intestines, and a similar scene in "The Cell" that keep coming to mind. I feel like I've been given a revelation about how I'm going to die, and it's a horrific death. Like ANYONE would want to know how it's gonna happen in the end. Considering, I'm pretty proud of myself for keeping up the fight. WLS would be a dream come true. I'm not being forced into it at all. I actually have been posting.. I've been here 3 months and I've got a list 6 pages long of my posts. The point I was trying to make was that there are so many posts that those of us *****ally need help get lost in the shuffle. A cry for help will slide off the first page in a matter of a couple hours. I probably shouldn't have used the word clique, and I apologize if that offended anyone or made them feel like they should be "punished for making friends". That didn't address the issue that I feel is at hand here at OH. I truly believe, and I apologize if I offend anyone, that this site is being misused. There are a lot of off-topic posts purposely placed on the main board to get attention, but that forces attention away from the true support purpose of this website. There are also a lot of posts that are very superficial, or sometimes it looks like folks are in the habit of posting filler to get things going, when this site needs no filler. I have learned so much from this site. I have been hooked on this site and all the love I see here since day one. Because of all of you here, if and when I am lucky enough to get my series of surgeries, I will be successful. And when I mess up, I'll have you folks to help me through it. If I can just suggest that when you post, think about whether the post supports people in their quest for help with obesity, or if it prohibits them from getting the help they need. I don't think I could have said this in a kinder way. OH management, and I wish they would chime in here, must see what is happening. Before you post an idignant reply, or update your blog to suggest that I can't make any friends, just think about the vast sea you are creating.. and wonder if you were new and fighting for the surgery, if you would have been able to get the help you need. Thank you, everyone, for all the love!!!!!!!!! Marianne

Marianne, I am so sorry to hear of your illness...this is a really hard time for you.  I will pray for you.  I do understand what you mean about the off topic posts and how they do get more attention than others.  But there are times when the boards are really slow and some of us post things to get things going...not always off topic but sometimes dealing with the lighter side of weight loss.   There are also times when we come here in dire need of "family support" so to speak.  When things in life get so overwhelming that we need an outlet...I am guilty of this myself.  This is one of those times that you need much support...and knowing the boards as I do...you will get it.  If you don't I will truly be amazed and appalled...and will break out the flame thrower myself...lol. Hopefully, things will come together for you soon and things will turn around for you...don't give up this fight...life is so worth it.  Take care and warm and fuzzies coming your way. Moni

Moni, Thank you.  I have been flooded with positve responses to my post.  You would not be appauled!  I agree with you about coming here for  family suppport.  I do that as well, sometimes just to read what's going on with everyone.  Read my survey post a couple lines above.  I think we need a "SOCIALIZE  NOW" board! I only received a couple of negatives.  One being someone's blog telling me I couldn't make any friends and suggesting I leave OH.  The other was yours telling me this wasn't high school, lol.  It's ok, I forgive you for that.  I've been reading your posts for a long time now, and you are always the voice of reason.  Maybe you will have some suggestions? Marianne

Marianne, I am so very sorry, I am guilty of everything you stated, I am in pain from my plastics and upset about stupid issues that have nothing to do with people suffering and dying from obesity.  I hope you accept my sincere apology.  I have tried to journal my wls and will try to journal my ps also, its so hard when you malabsorb your pain meds and only get 2 hours of rest at a time, but compared to what you are going through what I am suffering is a walk in the park.  I think we all lose site of what really matters here and thats helping each other through these nightmare of obesity, nothing cures us over night, we are still emotional creatures who do things we probably shouldn't.  I know I am definately guilty of emotional reactions to things.  But if there is anything at all I can do to help you please dont hesitate to contact me. Love Heidi

Heidi, I certainly was an emotional creature yesterday!  After one post, I went to a salad bar to eat.  I was sitting there watching this poor man.  He was about 80 and could barely move with his walker. It took him 10 minutes to go from a standing position to a sitting one.  As soon as he was done, his wife or daughter or caregiver  (I couldn't tell) brought his plate of food and put on the next table telling him he sat down at the wrong one.  He spent a good 15 minutes painfully moving to the table she sat down at.  It made ME realize that what I am going through is a walk in the park.  I was able to get my own plate and put it where I pleased!  (What I could have said to her is a subject for another board..)   Thanks for yoru post Heidi, Love, Marianne

Marianne, No matter what we are all going through there is someone going through worse, we all have to be aware of each others pain and suffering and try to understand that if we can do something to lift their spirits we should.  I was so upset with myself after Lexington that I didn't do more to try to meet people but I am naturally very shy and meeting for the first time isn't always easy for me.  I know I post here endlessly but in real life I have several very close friends and thats it, reaching out has always been hard for me, I always felt like I was different and people wouldnt accept me, thats my mental issue I need to work through. Please if there is anything I can do to ease your burden even a little bit don't hesitate to call on me.  If you need a friend email me and I will send my cell phone number. Hugs Heidi

So that's why we didn't get to talk much!  LOL  I could never imagine you being shy!  WOW!  I had a great time when I was able to talk with you.  I hope in the future we have more time next time. (((HUGS))) Amy

Hello Marianne, Thank you for your words.  I feel you on all parts.  Just know that you are not alone.  We are here for you.  I pray that it all works out for you. Grace & Peace, Treena

Treena, Thank you!  I glanced at your profile.  I try to do what you are doing with the eating like you're a preop. I think it's an awesome excercise.   I can handle the food choices, it's the volume I can't deal with.  That will change... lol .. hopefully Love, Marianne

You will be in my prayers Marianne, and I truly hope you get your approval ASAP, and can get the medical help you need.  I admire you for reaching out even through the rough waters we sometimes see around here.  Please keep us posted and know that many prayers and well-wishes are being said for you!  Take care and have a good Saturday!