Do i risk my marriage if i go through with my surgery?

My husband has told me (one week before surgery) that he doesn't want me to go through with my RNY. What do I do!?! He's afraid. Afraid I will die, afraid I will try and change HIM, afraid I will not want him, etc. He says he would be fine if I'd chosen lapband, but not RNY. What to do, what to DO?

Don't know what to say for that one. Really.. All I can say is sit him down and talk with him. Just like he did with you let him know what is really on your heart and mind. How much this surgery means to you and educate him on the risks w/or w/out the different surgeries or continuing to live life the way it is now.. Sometimes I think people our loved ones are afraid of losing us or us changing who we are. But just because the physical aspect changes he loves you the woman you are on the inside. Show him tell him this is something that can't wait.. Reassure him and then finally pray together about this.. I wish you well..You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers

Tenisha

My husband also felt threatened but i was dying from diabetes highblood pressure ect. so i did what was best for me and im down 70 pounds, no more insulin or blood pressure meds and im feeling better than i have in 20 years. Im not sure what will happen with you and your husband but i will tell you that my husband is thrilled with the new me and our marriage is better than ever. Good luck i hope everything works out for you.

Get the DS, I've had RNY and the DS is superior in every way.

As to your marriage; if it's strong and good now, it will be better after your surgery; if it's shaky and not so good now, it will be worse after your surgery.

In either case, the WLS is about your health and happiness if your husband doesn't want you healthy and happy, what does that say about him and your relationship?

Good luck, but seriously, look into the DS; read my profile, I had RNY for 28 years and compared to the DS, it really sucked.

Kerry 

I'd say that your marriage is in trouble if your husband can't support you in this.  Fear is one thing, but if HIS fear threatens YOUR health, then that's no way to spend your lives together.

If he's that scared, he should speak with your surgeon about the risks vs. benefits of RNY.  But you should NOT do anything because of what HE thinks.  This is about YOU and YOUR BODY and YOUR HEALTH.

Be strong and do what's right for YOU.

You have to do what is right for you.  If you don't do something, your comorbidities will either get worse or you will die.

When you discussed the type of surgery you have chosen with your surgeon, did your husband go to the surgeon with you?  Were all options presented to you according to your individual situation?  Do you go to any support groups?  I have seen spouses at mine who go and they talk to others.

When I told (not asked, told) my husband I was going to look into surgery, I did some research on the web which he saw, got an DVD from the surgeon which I had him play on his computer so he would have an idea of what I was doing.  My situation was pretty dire with a lot of comorbidities (severe sleep apnea, edema, back pain, degenerative disc disease, lots of borderline stuff and probably a couple of others I can't remember at the moment.  My daughter was probably more alarmed until she found out her now husband (at the fiance)'s aunt had surgery 4-1/2 years ago and has maintained a 160 pound weight loss which then made her feel better.  My husband and I have been married for 33 years and he has seen me triple in size during that time and he said basically nothing else seems to help and that, as we have learned, the tool we get is what will enable us to find our way to a healthy life style.  By the way, my husband has lost 25 pounds he needed to lose since I had my surgery as well.

Best of luck to you.  Weigh the pros and cons.

Sylvia 

I agree with you that the RNY is a much better option than the lapband. I see way too many people who never lose that much weight with the band. They end up disapointed or they end up getting a revision to an RNY after going through the original surgery for the band.  

Your husband is aware that there are risks involved, and he has a right to be scared, but you still have to do what is going to be in your best interest. You being healthy and living longer will benefit your marriage and your husband, obviously. You need to level with him right away. Let him know that you need to do this for you and you NEED his support now more than ever before. Remind him of all the times you have been there for him. Now it's his turn to be there for you. Ask him to help you make it through the surgery and the recovery and then come along for the wonderful ride you two are going to have together.

Best of luck. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,   Liz

hey neighbor!! im in fayetteville. My husband WAS NOT happy with mine decision either.  But they dont understand what it is like to carry this fat around, I was 104 overweight, I was going to tell my husband to pick up two 50 pound bags of dog food, to see how heavy it was.  I would explain each surgery has risks of their own, I had RNY because i would lose weight the fastest, and 80% keep it off.  My husband was afraid too, has he met your surgeon? mine was more comfortable after he met my surgeon.  How can you change him? only he change himself. 

I can relate my hubby did this when I went to see my surgeon after the 6 months of supervised diet. I come home and tell him well I am almost there its all up to the insurance company. He also tells me he don't want me to go thru with it. Yep you are right they are afraid something could happen to us or we may leave them. Sorry to say our husbands are insecure! Plain and simple!!! Now he says I got my work cut out of for me when you are laid up. I don't know why he thinks I will be laid up for awhile. The only thing I could see is I won't be able to drive for 2 weeks. I hope I can talk to my doctor to make it 1 week. Since I am the only one that drives. Yep a man that don't drive. Even the insurance company questions that but he had something that happen to him in his younger years before we even met. And ever sense then he never went to get behind the wheel. He knows I change his life for the better and he tells people this. His family doesn't like it but oh well. He married me 23 yrs ago. And we are still together. I am known as the B**** of the family. lol I just laugh about now. It bothers my hubby but you can't change your family.

Anyways do what is best for you!!!! I can't stress that enough. If your marriage is strong enough it will get thru this as well. It is he is overwhelmed, scared and insecured all wrapped in one. Sounds like i describing my hubby. But I know he will be there when I wake up. If not he better have a good explanition! I know he is going up there with me. It is all planned out. Dropping the kids off at summer day camp then going to the hospital. I know he won't be able to sit there all that time. So I told him go home let the dogs out, clean the house, do laundry anything to kill the time away. But make sure you are back when the doctor comes out to talk to you and then come see me when I wake up. Then I know he has to go home and relieve the therapist who will be picking up the kids from day camp. Yep we have kids with special needs and they have in home therapist who are going to help us out by getting the kids and keeping them occupied untl hubby gets back home. His sister will be there wiht him. So he at least have someone to keep him calm. He is very anxious type of guy. Let alone the most inpatient type of guy. lol And then you add bipolar to the mix. And he can't stand , sit long or walk long because of his back pain. He had 2 back surgery's ad 1 neck surgery. Still in pain 24/7 and with his medical problems and bipolar he is consider disabled.

Don't just the lapband to make him happy.This is what is going to make you happy. I didn't like what i was hearing about the lap band and need consequences for when I cheat. I am sure I will miss my sweats. But if I eat them I will dump.

When is your surgery mine is July 28th at 12:30.

I am sorry you are having such a hard time getting your husband on the wagon.  Mine was afraid I would get thin and pretty again and leave him.  He loves me and wants me to have the surgery because he knows it is best and he wants the best for me but he also thinks I will leave him.  There is no persuading people when they have their mind set that a particular result will happen.  Just continue to reassure your husband, show him your surgeons mortality rates and give him lots of love and affection.  In the end, do not let him TELL you what to do.  He is not your keeper, you are.  You make the decision on your health, not him.  Comfort him and reassure him but do it anyway.  If he is threatening divorce, then you really need to just do it.  He will learn a valuable lesson that you can not be bullied and he still wont divorce you - its just a controlling maneuver.