I am now officially a statistic.

Baby steps.

Life imploded, and I didn't plan the timing so well.  While I knew my marriage was a floundering fish, I didn't expect the Relationship Rapture to hit the way it did, and it did. 

I think the literal life tornado started on that day - was it May 21?  Anyway.  It did.  It's over.  It's been a couple weeks of talking and it's clear that this is the right choice, although we have to figure out how to logistically separate the household.  I am thankful, that as awful as this process IS, that I think we can do it without severe trauma.  I believe we will be friends in the end, and if not for any other reason than the kids must have our support.  It makes no sense to lose one of us as a present and participating parent because he and I can't be physically married.

That's that. 

I am currently seeking alternative housing.  I am moving out, not him.  I do not own this house, when we were in the market, our credit was trashed, and we needed a cosigner.  I chose not to be on the loan as my credit did not help the situation at all.  The logistics of who/what/when/where are Mission Impossible, so I am open to suggestions.  The goal is to live where I can reach public transportation, reach necessities, where the kids can fit -- at least 50% of the time, and close enough to Dad for the impending back and forth. 

There is a complex closest to this house, that is absolutely perfect and feels safe and feels like home, even if I had to move in with no furniture and sleep with an iMac... but ... technically? 

I am self-employed, and I cannot depend on my income.  It's not always there, sometimes it's late, sometimes I get screwed.  I need a steady source of weekly pay in addition to my streams of blog income.  I make too much to get "assistance" -- and I must support MYSELF.   I make enough to live on, but if I lose it?   I make more money blogging than I could make working at my entry-level capacity of whatever-it-is-that-I-do, so the answer is obviously working AND blogging, but FOR WHO and DOING WHAT?   

Who would want for a first year Marketing Student Blogger With Various Sites?  What do I, DO?   I mean, aside from this.

My last actual paid employer was a coffee shop.  I can make espresso.  Before that?  Bank teller.  Before that?  Retail Cash Office Manager.  Before?  Retail Management.  I can fold tee-shirts, obsessively space hangers, count money, balance the cash drawer and delegate tasks, while making Americanos.  I'm also a pretty bad ass saleswoman if I Want To Try.  I went to Real Estate classes, as I thought I would sell houses I could never afford, as it would give me the motivation to sell. 

I swore I'd never, ever, ever do any of it again.  I thought I would be My Own Boss, doing something, eventually.  I figured I would putter my way through classes for the next few years and get a degree and try NOT to get a job sending the horrific PR pitch letters that I receive.  Is that a goal?  To try NOT to get into writing PR pitches, or to learn how to write honest ones?

I had a vision yesterday of being a leasing agent FOR an apartment complex, or something equal to working-where-you-live-where-you-work. 

The fact that I am the parent who needs help in transportation, in makes ZERO sense to send him away from this house and leave me less able to get out.  It's a $35 cab ride to and from the grocery store and bank from this house, add kids, impossible to consider living here alone.  For the majority of last three years, he has been my cab driver.  I only get out of the house 1-2 times a week, and it's usually to the grocery store or equally fun task on his time off.  Consider a typical day.  He goes to work, comes home, might need to pick up and drop off a kid or three at some location, go to the store, hit the post office, and then, "We forgot to do this," and go back out.  You say:  But he signed up for it.  Not really.  I broke.  He didn't.  I didn't ASK to drive into a tree, things were about 100% more pleasant around the household when Mama Could Do Stuff For Us.  Every seizure sets me back another year in waiting to drive again.  I'm at about 360 days.

This situation comprises 25% of our household stress.  (It's not the reason for the split, but it's contributed.)  I can't do anything on my own, I hate asking anyone for anything, so I am left, literally twiddling my fingers, waiting to go to the store once a week.  I know that sounds whiny, but what are the options?  I have had people say, "Call me, I'm home all day, I'd take you out!"  But, realistically, they can't do that, and nobody ever has actually followed up.  My parents do, when I need a ride to the airport, or something equally important, but otherwise there is no one here.  This means that we have missed many appointments, parties, occasions, school functions and opportunities because if he isn't available, I have to say "no."  I have missed most of the family and school functions for the last few years.

The answer is obvious, and has been for a very long time.  "You can't live in that forsaken forest."  Now I actually have a reason to get out.  We've had this discussion a million times in the last few years.  I have been begging to move to a city or the hell OUT of Southeastern MA.   I figured the options for all of us would be better, even if we had to give up our quiet.  The cities have transportation, schools, and lots of opportunity for employment.  He doesn't want to live in the city, and cannot leave his job.  We live in a very high-rent touristy area, and nearing Boston is even higher. There had to be, and now HAS to be a compromise. 

This is when that pesky money tree should show itself ... and let me go get a big place next to the train, where everyone can have their own space, and Dad can be a few minutes away.

PS.  Yes, I am open to suggestions.  No, the answer is not 'just living with him and saving money,' as we don't save no matter what.  Also, "marriage counseling" is out of the question.  There's more to this, it's going to be a book.