It's time.

 


It's time to take ownership of my own experience on this message board.

I just realized something - if I were openly harassed on any other network:  my own blog, Facebook pages, Twitter, ANY-WHERE - I wouldn't put up with it.  It's a simple fix for trolls and the like:  POINT, CLICK, BLOCK -- and you're out of my life.  It's not easy to do, but it works.  My blog has the capabilities to just remove comments, commenters, and even ban words from being used.  Social networks have the privacy and report options.

Why do I put up with it here? I suppose because I believe that every individual is capable of being fully responsible for the own words -- like myself.  And, this site felt a lot like a safe haven.  You figure, we are all here for the same reason:  we are either HAVING WLS or HAD WLS.  Most of us come in a time of NEED.

We need people.  Either because we have questions that need answering pre-op, post-op or we are STRUGGLING.

Why are YOU here?  Why do YOU post?  Or, alternatively, what is stopping you from posting -- if you are lurking?  Honestly.

I came, initially, because I was scared ****less about WLS and wanted to meet peers in my same situation at the same time.  I utilized the month-date message board to rant incessantly with my peers because THEY UNDERSTOOD EXACTLY WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH AT THE TIME.  I stayed -- because I found friends.  Even long after my month-date message board shriveled up, I had discovered a new community of good people.  People came and went -- they stay for a reason or a season and move on.

WLS became a huge part of my life.  Myself, my husband, my mother in law, sister in law, godfather and cousin all had gastric bypass between 2002-2006.  I became immersed in the post op life -- and started to write about all aspects of it - particularly the ****ty ones.  I spent a lot of time marinating in the yucky parts of WLS -- and often took my angry out on this board.  

Not long after, my world turned upside down.  And, I took that immersion in all things WLS and made it my job.  I blog for a living.  It is what I do.  At this stage -- I wouldn't recommend it to anyone as a long-term option for paying your bills, because?  

You have to trade WHAT YOU LOVE TO DO -- FOR VAST AMOUNTS OF HATE.  (Honest.  You won't believe the stuff I read just today -- hence this post.)

I am simply done with the hate.  I am done allowing it to be part of my own experience.  My blogging is about MY LIFE, MY FAMILY, MY JOURNEY, and what I choose to share is MY prerogative.  Regardless of anything I have ever posted, it is not anyone else's business to weasel their way into my personal life beyond what I choose to share.  I realize that being a semi-public person I will always have those who question everything I do -- but I do NOT have to answer you.

You have hurt my family, my friends and myself.  Some of the words -- I cannot UN SEE.


How can I take back some of my OWN happy -- I can choose to use the block feature here on OH.

This is something I have NEVER done before.  But, today I start.

Think before you react.  It's hard.  I am learning this the very hard way as I am just as guilty of being harsh.  I am working on it.  I fully admit to being an ass sometimes -- and I can only attempt to be better as I grow.  

The bigger issue is why do people make fun of you for BEING better/kinder/nicer/more positive? Time will tell.  But, I'm moving on.  

Thanks for listening.

PS.  Mods, if you choose to move this post, please delete it before sending it to R + R.

**Also - please think about your comments TO this point, I want to make a POSITIVE thread about how WE CAN ALL MOVE FORWARD, not delve into another hole of useless fighting.
_____________________________________________________________________
People who are hurting reach out and many times hurt others. Love of others begins with self love.

Here are four red flags to pay attention to:

1. Stay away from anyone who makes you feel guilty for things in the past. The past is over, and you did not have the insight you have today. If a partner insists on continually bringing up the past to shame you, they are a hurt person and they are hurting you.

2. Hurt people hurt others by gossiping, criticizing, and judging others. When you notice this behavior confronting it may help, but most likely they will validate what they are saying by elevating themselves and putting another down. When that other is you it is easy to believe maybe you did something wrong, unfair, or selfish. Most likely it is not you; the hurt person is trying to hurt you to justify their own pain.

3. Hurt people have been hurt in the past.This causes them to dwell on old thoughts, hurtful words, and behaviors. They project those hurtful memories on to you, especially when they are stressed (if you have been hurt you live in a stressful state most of the time).

4. Hurt people have difficulty seeing beauty. They live in the dark on many levels. If you talk to them about the beauty surrounding them they will usually tell you why it isn’t beautiful. They are a downer to be around. They also may make you begin to feel heavier, and darker. Soon you may wonder why you are no longer happy or lighthearted. They may come around then and tell you what a bummer you are too be with. They may even tell you that you are the reason they feel so depressed or hopeless. When you hear this, it is time to get out.

Most likely we all have the opportunity to attract a “hurt" person once or twice in our lives. It happens when we are down, didn’t get the job we wanted, broke up with someone we loved, or our children left to go to school and we are alone. It isn’t true we attract what we need. More likely we attract what we are giving out. If you are feeling down, vulnerable, and sad don’t date. Better to wait until you are feeling at your best if you want to attract someone who is at their best.

–Mary Jo Rapini

For more information go to: www.maryjorapini.com

 I love this... and you are so right... I have read the attacks on you (and others) at times and it makes me crazy. I started coming to this site too when I was comptempating my surgery... and met you and several others through you that have been wonderful influences on this journey, but I stopped coming to this site for a long time because of all the hate that was spewing. 

I hated it when my children would fight and I would feel the same way reading some of the replys to things people would post. I could not understand how people who were all basically in the same boat could be so hurtful to each other. Then I realized, and accepted that people are people no matter what they are going through, and as a friend of mine was so fond of saying "where there are people there is poop"... so I linked up those who I enjoyed reading and following on facebook and stopped coming here. 
I am back because I do believe that this site serves a good purpose, and because of the changes I have been reading about... (thank you Beth) 
So Beth you have my full support as always... and I honestly think this post is awesome...

 I hope that we continue to see positive growth here -- it's about time.

((((MM)))  

 Thank you Cat.

Well said!!

(Applause)

 Thank you.

   It's been on my mind lately how we treat others and just how much of an impact words can and do have on someone! To think something someone said at one point in my childhood, I still carry with me and it affects how I think, feel and has done unrepairable damage that I may never be able to fix! 
Makes me so much more aware of what I say and how I treat others! I realize that not everyone has to like everyone else but what purpose does it serve to hurt someone?
I may not agree with everything and I may not care for someone but it doesn't mean I have to say something that may hurt that person. If I have nothing nice to say and it doesn't serve a real purpose to say anything, I need to keep it to myself! 

Thank you, Beth, for a to the point and useful post.

Hurt people hurt people. So true, that.

I think many of us have suffered such hurt in our lives, and most people either externalize it by blaming others or dumping on others, or internalize it and blame themselves.

The trick is learning to be responsible for oneself and one's impact while at the same time learning a healthy self esteem. It's like weight loss and maintenance- hard work and so worth it.

 That is where I am right now, Anne.  

Learning my own responsiblities.  I have been told time and again that I could "do so much more" -- if I could learn to stop X Y Z, and it's true.  I know it's true.  Change is very difficult.