Consider who you are talking to...

I recently was watching a show on TV that had a counselor on the show who was addressing self image issues. They had a couple of women write down the things that they tell themselves about how they look. Many of us might be able to relate to litany of comments they made about 'thunder thighs', 'muffin tops', 'bat wings', 'turkey necks', etc... After writing them down, the ladies where then asked to tell the other person that they had 'thunder thighs', 'muffin tops', 'bat wings', 'turkey necks', etc... Each of the ladies were intensely uncomfortable about doing so and when asked why they were so uncomfortable, they said because they wouldn't want to say such mean things to stranger, much less a friend. Then, the counselor asked them why it was okay to be so mean to themselves, when they wouldn't consider being so mean to a friend or stranger? Both women agreed that they might reconsider before making such disparaging remarks to themselves about themselves. 

Next, they asked them to look at themselves as though they were looking at a friend or stranger and then describe themselves from that perspective. They both provided much more gentle, compassionate, and complimentary assessments of themselves.

I think it's important that we consider that what we say to ourselves about ourselves. What we tell ourselves helps to shape how we see ourselves in literal and figurative terms. How we see ourselves also often makes a difference in how treat ourselves and take care of ourselves. 

So consider who you are talking to... and be sure to be gentle, kind and compassionate with yourself.

This is the best thing you have ever written! (of the things I have read)

Thank you! That was sweet ;-)

So basically what you are saying is to lie to yourself about what you really think?  I can't do that, what I think has no impact on how I view myself as a whole, just because my thighs look like candle wax does not make me feel like less a person, it is just the way my skin has settled on my body.  Do I find it gross, of course, do I think anyone who saw it would find it gross, definitely.  Do I show it off, never, would I think my bf would say it was gross, obviously not.  The fact is still that it is gross, rather anyone says so or not.  Reality is reality.  If someone told me it looked good I would just think they are a liar.  I don't ask my boyfriend what he thinks because obviously he would lie, thats what people do who care about us.  So then how do you believe them when you really want to know how something looks.  Makes it kind of hard if you have everyone lying to you just to save your feelings.

No. I am not saying that you should lie to yourself. I am saying that we can magnify the negatives through our own self talk and that if we are kinder to ourselves, recognizing our weaknesses, as well as our strengths, that we can strengthen our perception of ourselves. In essence, learning to view the glass as half full, versus half empty. If we rally the kindness, consideration and support, that we offer our friends and give it to ourselves, we can pick ourselves up and move forward. 

Please do not misunderstand me, it's not that I don't have my own 'demons' about how I look. That said, I know that if and when I focus on the negative, it hurts me in untold ways. Everyone has to find their own way to be kind to themselves. I honestly feel like I have my own 'virtual zoo' that I carry with me; from my turkey neck, bat wings, elephant thighs, and a mid-section and chest that resemble a dog that has just whelped a litter. I can be and have been harshly critical of myself. When shopping with a friend today and changing clothes in a dressing room, she saw what I look like unclothed. Dressed, I look pretty good; but undressed, it's not pretty. For a long time, I focused on the vestiges of the weight I carried. It was really destructive and counter-productive to my since of self. I have since made a deal with myself; now, each day I think of something related to my health and quality of life I appreciate, then I wait until I'm dressed and find one thing I like about how I look. It has helped me throw the demeaning trash talk in the proverbial 'trash' as I work to minimize the negative self talk.

I do not lie to myself, nor do I lie to my friends. However, I find that I can be and tend to be much harsher and more 'cruel' when I look at and assess what I look like. I have personally found that it is detrimental to my health. Basically, what the counselor was not advocating lying, but was saying it is important to be as kind to yourself as you would be to your friend or a perfect stranger.

I think we need to be honest with ourselves. Lying to myself kept me from having WLS for about 20 years longer than it should have.

I'm gonna try and answer for Barb here...I don't think she is saying to lie to yourself. I think she's saying to focus on the positive rather than the negative. I will never, ever be able to afford PS, and it depresses me every day to think about all my cosmetic issues. If I could step back, and think about positive things (I mean, I look OK with clothes on, especially when I take the time to fix myself up), it would sure help my emotional well-being.

Does that kinda make sense?

Hi Debbie,

Thanks for the response and you are on the money with your assessment of what I was trying to convey. 

I am in the same boat as you. I have a lot of cosmetic issues and will never be in a position to have them cosmetically corrected. I really had a very hard time with this and really beat myself up over this for a considerable period of time. I think that is why this resonated so deeply with me and I decided to share it.

During one of these 'episodes' when I was being so mean to myself, I decided to make a deal with myself. I still have issues when I see myself unclothed, so I decided to wait until I get dressed each day to look at myself and then try to find something I 'like' about the way I look. It was stilted and uncomfortable at first and still is at times, but I have found that I generally am more comfortable with what I look like. I also try to look at other women about my size and age and look at them as 'critically' as I look at myself. When I do, I find that I actually look as good and sometimes even better than others my age and size. I think our perspective can go a long way to helping us take care of ourselves physically and emotionally. 

Thanks again,

Ms Batt,

I whole wholeheartedly agree that it's important to be honest with ourselves. I think that many of us have suffered from what I consider 'Three Monkey Syndrome'; See no evil, Hear no evil and Speak no evil and as we all know that can and has had devastating effects. However, being honest, does not need to  equal being harsh and/or cruel. I do not lie to myself, nor do I lie to my friends. I do find that I tend to be much harsher and more 'cruel' when I look at myself than I am when I look at friends who have the same issues I have and found that it is detrimental to my health.

Basically, like the counselor, I was not advocating lying, but was saying it is important to be as kind to yourself as you would be to your friend or a perfect stranger.

Wishing you continued success,

Oh my gosh thank you so much! This really resonated with me.

An author I love, Sarah ban Breathnach (she wrote Simple Abundance), once wrote something like, "Shouldn't you start being kind & loving to yourself, the one person you've neglected for so many years?" When I read that, I cried big ploppy tears. I started saying, "Oh my dear arms, I love you! You rocked two babies & two grandchildren... I love you! God bless you!"

This might sound weird but every day in the shower, I put my body wash on my pouf & wash my arm & say, "Bless you arm, I love you, you are sacred to me." Then the other arm: "Bless you arm, I love you, you are sacred to me." Then my jelly tummy: "Bless you tummy, I love you, you are sacred to me." I learned this from the book Ask Your Angels by Andrew Ramer & Alma Daniel.

When I hear friends tell me, "I [abhor] my thighs," "I [abhor] my neck," arms, etc., I want to cry. Like RuPaul says, "If you don't love yourself, how the [heck] are you gonna love anyone else?"