Depression

I've been really struggling with depression the past few days now. I have called out of work the past 2 days now. I need help. I need to see a therapist, I know I do. I've needed to see one for some time now. I have been going off plan eating things I know I should not for a few weeks now & they have slowly been creeping into my life for the past few months now. Carbs! Why can't I just say no Jen you don't need that it is bad for you & that be the end of it. I've started hiding what I eat too which I did before surgery because I'm embarressed of what I'm eating or how much I'm eating. My husband tries to help me when we go grocery shopping by saying you don't need that, which I appreciate but at the same time I'm like who are you to tell me what I can eat & I wait till I go shopping alone & buy it. I'm a food addict & I'm admitting it today. I think about food too much & what I'm eating next. I wish I couldn't smell then it would all taste bad & I would just eat to survive. I know thats how I need to look at it. Food as fuel not for pleasure. I know this surgery was a tool & it doesn't fix our heads. I need help & tomorrow when I go for my 1 year visit I'm going to talk to my surgeon about seeing a therapist. I don't like letting people down or myself for that matter & everytime I do wrong I feel so bad & hate myself for it but it doesn't stop me from doing wrong again. I type this with tears streaming down my face. I've been so emotional the past couple of days & finally I broke down talking to my husband this morning. He tells me just make yourself stop doing those things. He doesn't understand at all. It's not that simple. You tell a drug addict, alcoholic or gambler to just stop doing it. Yeah right! It's just as much an addiction as any of the above stated & not easily stopped. I hate hate hate myself. I like to make everyone think everything is going so great & I've got this down, but no I don't. I did really well in the beginning but now I'm a wreck. I do pretty good during the day but at night is when I binge & mostly in my room. I take an assortment of crap to my room & a meal, well what would be a meal for us & will sit & watch TV & eat over a few hours before going to sleep. This was my thing before RNY it is my way of winding down the day before sleeping. I also have to take a lot of sleep aid to sleep, which my doctor told me was ok if it helped me sleep. I kinda find that weird, but whatever. I am currently on 40mg of Celexa a day for depression but I don't know that it is working well now. I told my PCP last month I think it needs adjusted but at the same time I was having issues with the hernias & he wanted to wait & see if it was just the pain causing my sad feelings. I'm laying it all out here to you all because you all are the only ones in my life that can kinda understand. My husband says I am on this forum too much & that its all he sees me looking at when I'm on the computer. I told him I have to because y'all are the only ones I can relate to with this surgery. He just doesn't understand. We moved to ND & I left all my family in NC so its just my kids & my husband & myself here. Nobody else. I feel stupid because I know I'm smarter than this. I know whats right & what to do. My husband said I need to find a hobby that doesn't revolve around food. Why can't I be addicted to exercise? That would be much better. I did get a membership at our local family wellness center which I did go on Monday night with my son who is 11 & is excited about getting fit & the fact that there is an indoor pool doesn't hurt. He is wanting to get up at 5am in the mornings & go with me whereas my daughter & husband could care less about going. I haven't exercised this whole time & now it's time for me to start. I am proud of me going shopping last night with my kids & bought no junk, not that I didn't want to believe me. I told myself Jen this cycle of distructivness has to stop now. Then when we were done shopping in my head I wanted to go to DQ & get a mini reese blizzard. I stopped myself again & said NO. Why can't I just stop thinking about food. It's all mental. Sorry for rambling on & on about my messed up head but it helped me to write it all out & be accountable to somebody for this. Thanks!

Please tell all of this to your dr tomorrow. It is their job to help you get through this stuff. And you may need a dr better versed in depression medications. You deserve a better quality of life. I see that you aren't near real big cities but there still have to be drs that can help you. Please take care of yourself and get the help for your situation. Come back on here whenever you need to. Plenty of us here.

i'm sorry you're having a tough time. it's very hard to move away from family and friends and makes sense that you might turn to food for comfort. i think a therapist is a great idea. i would also encourage you to try your local overeaters anonymous group as it will provide support, but also socialization. 

Thanks for your responses. It's hard enough admitting it to myself I need help let alone put out there for everyone else to see. I did just call my insurance to see what therapists are covered & they emailed me a list which I am currently going through to see if they deal with food addiction & I will definitely be discussing all of this tomorrow with my surgeon. It means a lot to have a place I can turn to for advice & support when I need it most. Thanks again!

Jen,

I'm so sorry you're going thru all of this.  Moving away from family, friends, job, losing your support system is just so hard. In a way it's like losing your identity.  I ended up with depression so severe I was hospitalized.  Please find a psychiatrist ASAP who can handle your antidepressants.  Most PCPs don't have the experience to do so properly, in my experience.  And for your PCP to suggest that this depression is stemming from hernia pain is just ridiculous.  Yes, people with chronic pain DO suffer from depression but we're talking about pain they've had for years that has debilitated them.  If you can get the depression somewhat under control, then it will be a little easier trying to deal with the food issues.

I'm sorry your husband has a hard time understanding the food addiction/need for comfort.  My husband was the same way. He never had a clue, just could not comprehend any of it.  I agree with a previous poster who suggest Overeaters Anonymous, it does help so much to be around people who understand what you're talking about.  If there's not a group near you, there are online meetings.

Good for you for taking steps to help yourself - going to the wellness center, shopping for healthy food, and saying no to DQ.  All those things are great accomplishments and show a lot of strength,  be sure to give yourself credit for them.  Try not to be so hard on yourself. Not only are you dealing with a true addiction, you are trying to do it all on your own, while coping with depression to boot.  Can you call or email family/friends in NC?  Try to keep in touch with them, and reach out to people near you if you can.

I'll keep you in my thoughts.  I've been through all you're going thru, so PM me if you'd like to talk.

Kathy

Thanks Kathy! I appriciate your kind words. I do keep in contact with all my family & friends from back home in NC. I'm really good about staying in contact with people. I plan on going at this head on & taking back control. I will do this & I have to keep telling myself I'm worth every bit of it. It's time I put myself first for a change & take care of myself. Thanks again.

(HUGS) hope you are better... One day after another,,,

Recently I decided to get back on Lexapro.. the stress was really getting to me.. I have days that I feel like I can't leave my house and face anyone or anything.  I know that for me low pressure front - bad weather makes it very difficult to face the world...

Hope you feel better...(((HUGS))

Thanks Hala! It is tough some days more than others. The main thing is for me to face this & start taking control back. Thanks for all the hugs it means a lot.

Jen,

OA was a great help to me

www.oa.org or www.therecoverygroup,org has on line meetings every 3 hours and may be of value as you seek a local therapist.

hang in there ....... This is hard and you don't have to do it allone

Thank you! I definitely will check those sites out.