Not sure what to make of this

 I have elected NOT to share my WLS with anyone in my family.  I think it may be possible that they will assume or question down the road but overall it would not be welcomed with positivity to say the least.   I would rather them know or think things afterwards than add a ton of stress during an already stressful time.   In other words, its my business, and I feel okay about not telling them.   So I attended a family function today and my eldest cousin  was attempting to hide the fact that she just recently had WLS!  It was completely obvious to me because I know all of the signs.  I really wondered if it was obvious to others though.  A few months ago I was told she was in the hospital to get her "gallbladder removed."  I was immediately suspicious but thought, lets see how she looks in a few months before I assume anything.  Yep, down 70 pounds in 3.5 months!  Never in my lifetime has she lost any weight.  None.  She barely ate a bite of food and kept saying "gallbladder surgery is the best diet I have ever been on" with a strong humor under tone when someone asked.   There were also other things for example, .her hospital stay was exactly the same time as the surgery, it was at a very well known wls hospital here as well.  At the time of the hospital they told the family that they couldn't come down to see her and so forth.  There is no doubt for me, especially seeing and watching her today. I feel a bit weird and have no idea why.  Obviously using the gall bladder excuse won't work for me now but that was my emergency back up plan anyway.  ha ha.  See, even though she chooses for the time being not to tell anyone she wouldn't hesitate telling everyone why she thinks I have had it.  Especially in a few months when she decides to tell everyone, which I fully expect her to do, she will make it her mission to prove I had it also. Either way, I think I can handle it but I just feel a bit weird, for lack of a better term. Perhaps I am also a bit nervous also I have no idea so if you know why I feel this way...please share. Lyns

Not sure why you feel weird, but I thought I would at least share my own situation!  I am a very honest person, and I like to share myself openly and honestly with anyone who asks. I want to be a "poster child" for WLS for the whole universe to see. I want to motivate others who have more severe obesity/co-morbidities to consider it as an option to lose weight.  BUT... at my job there is another person who had WLS that openly. And she was NOT the poster child. She was throwing up all the time, calling in sick at the last minute, having to leave mid-day, etc. and this was a teacher. Nobody wanted to hire her for extra-curricular duties because she was unreliable, and everyone could be heard to say "Ever since she had WLS she's unreliable". Being a teacher with a lot of extra-curricular duties (which are enjoyable, and also bring in extra cash-money), I truly and honestly did not want to be categorized in the same category as this other person. I didn't want the high-mucky-mucks to make decisions about what extra jobs and promotions I could handle based on a surgery that is none of their business anyway. SO I couldn't tell other teachers, and I couldn't tell my students, and I basically have to keep my trap shut about it. Since my stepdaughter until recently went to my high school, I can't tell her or her siblings if I don't want the word to get out to the students and hence to the administration.  So what did I say to everyone? Well I've been losing my voice, sometimes quite dramatically, for three years. Everyone knew I was worried about the impact of this inexplicable and seemingly untreatable problem within my life. In addition to this I started to diet in August, when the school year began, and was made to go on the six-month supervised diet. I lost 57 lbs before I ever had surgery. In actual point-of-fact it was the glowing hope that surgery would cure my GERD (and thus my voice problems) that made me DECIDE on the surgery in the first place. So when I was finally approved for the surgery, I told everyone I was having surgery to correct my GERD, and that the hope was that it would cure my voice problems also. My hope is that with so much weight loss before surgery, and surgery taking place so late in the school year, that people might not put two-and-two together until perhaps the fall. By then I hope to demonstrate to all-and-sundry that my weight loss surgery has NOT made me unreliable, nor has it made me unable to do the job at hand. I'm still super-teacher. :)  BUT... it still feels awful to tell half-truths and hide what I've done to myself. Only two teachers (other than my hubby) at school know the real truth, and they're keeping their mouths shut. My father and uncles and aunts know, and my sister knows, and that is it. We haven't told my hubby's family. We just felt like it was important to keep it quiet... the fewer who know, the fewer who can tell other people.

I can't tell my three sisters because they are all anti-dr's.  Forget about having surgery!  I have one sis that lives here in Tucson, so I'm trying to see her alot so she doesn't "notice" a huge loss of weight.  She has a friend visiting from Florida right now so she is a little preoccupied.  I was thinking about calling the two sisters that live in California and telling them to watch the show about wls tonight, and then telling them that I had it. I am going to tell them at some point, I just don't know the right time.  It may be soon, since I've come through the surgery ok, and am recovering nicely. I don't know what's right for you, and some times, I don't know what's right for me.  I only do the best I can one day at a time.  Good luck.

I told everyone I had surgery, I was extremely proud of the decision I made and I wasn't going to feel ashamed that I had to resort to medical assistance.   I had the support from the people I love the most and that is all that counted.  For those that did not support the decision, I could care less, the best thing I could do is educate them.  I made the decision for ME, not anyone else.  So anyone that gave me crap, could kiss my butt in my eyes... I still feel that way. And those that didn't support it, are obese themselves and come up with every excuse why they couldn't do the surgery... excactly what I used to say about 5 years ago.  "I can do it on my own", " I couldn't do it", etc. But these people are a walking timebomb also, have DVT, heart problems, etc. You obviously have your reasons not to tell your family, but wouldn't you want to use your cousin as a support for what you are BOTH going thru right now?  There are alot of changes in the next few months, emotional, pyschical, food, etc.  around 9-11 months were the toughest for me, I wish I had more people around in my family that were going thru exactly what I was going thru. The only person that gave me some pushback was my brother, he told me to just try a diet one more time... I said to him, well, why don't you do the same.  Losing 80lbs in 4-6 months is not a result of stress... either you were on the Biggest Loser or you had Weight Loss Surgery.  I would suggest being open with people and do not be ashamed of deciding to have the surgery, but that is is me...  maybe you have other reasons for not using your family as support.  They may not approve at first, but after your education of them and they see the results, they will understand and know it's for your health.  But, you have to come to terms with that yourself.   Screw what other people think, you feel better right?  You feel great, right?  Why not share that? ~Nicole

Hey Lyn! Thanks for the comment. I don't think you should be afraid to tell anyone about your surgery. If you want to scream it from the roof tops so be it. But don't let the disapproval from family members be the reason you can't feel open about it. If you want to keep it to yourself that's fine. Just know that you made the right decision for you and nobody else. I didn't tell most of my family who lives in Chicago because they talk to much and are uneducated about the subject and rather than have them whisper about it behind my back I just felt like they didn't need to know. Although I would like to share my journey with with them it's not going to happen. I tested the water with my cousin and boy was that a mistake. I couldn't be mad at her though because she is just ignorant when it comes to about anything. Don't stress too much about it. If it doesn't come up then you would have wasted so much time letting it bother you and if it does come up you will handle it as you see fit when the situation arise. In all honestly all you have to say is that you have changed your eating habits and are working out which wouldn't be a lie. Just relax sweet pea!

I can relate to the way you are feeling, especially since I had the surgery 25 years ago and ended up obese again. I am really embarrased about it, even though I know I didn't fail all the way, the surgery failed me because it is performed differently now and back then there was no education or support. I think the people I felt most comfortable telling were my family and friends that are fighting the same disease of morbid obesity. They are the understanding ones that have dieted and lost and regained and went through the whole cycle again. The hardest one to tell was my mother, because she is a cold person by nature. I don't know why I bothred to tell her, but I guess I just did it because she's my mother. My daughter is my biggest supporter. she also is obese and doing the yo-yo dieting. She doesn't have insurance at the moment, but as soon as she can, I know she will have the surgery and we can be happy losers together. As for my job, it is touchy as this is a new position and I really don't know anyone. I think I told one girl that I had a hernia I needed to have repaired (true) and other stomach problems. Right away she asked me if I was having weight loss surgery and I said yes, a revision. She said she had the lap band a year ago and has lost 100 pounds. That was nice to know and I felt some support. I just hope she hasn't blabbed to everyone else in the office, because it's too personal. But if she did, so be it. I did this for me and I am happy that I did. I go back to work May 7, so I'll find out if the whole buildning knows!! So Lyns, you are definitely not alone!! We all love you!! 

 Lyns, My family includes some of the most unsupportive people on the face of the earth!  I am a very open person & I get a lot of support from the people around me BUT I do NOT get support from my family.  Because of that, I didn't tell a single member of my immediate family.  Every single person at work knew because I fought with the insurance company for several years that by the time they approved me, I was pinging off the walls for weeks! The easiest way to keep it from my family though was to avoid them!  My surgery was in July and fortunately, my parents leave town for the summer, then we had "other plans" for Thanksgiving and I didn't actually see them until around Christmas.  By then, I was six months post-op and had lost about 90 pounds.  My mom couldn't find anything negative to say but she asked what I was doing that was working "so well?"  I simply told her, "well, since you asked..."  By that point, it was a done deal.  I was healed and was past the "complications" point.  My family has never given me any grief over the surgery once they were told about it and I think it really made things much easier. Perhaps, if you can't avoid your family, you could take your "gallbladder" cousin to lunch and talk to her.  Offer to keep her secret, & let her know that you have been thinking about having surgery; don't tell her until or unless you think it's safe.  Get her opinion, her advice, be conspiritors.  She might keep your secret, too? Good luck to you.  It isn't easy and having non-supportive people around you can make it even harder than it has to be.  But remember, support or not, you are doing this for you and you can get support from groups like this and local face-to-face groups and we would never give you a hard time! Dj

Thanks everyone!  This was more about the cousin that has secretly had it done leaving me feel nervous and weird.  Not sure why.  I really appreciate the support and advice.  Telling family right now, is not an option.  I am a very open person but it would create a great deal of negativity that could potentially last my entire life.  Its not worth it to me.  I am really okay with keeping it away from them but it does create complications also.  I am sure I will struggle a bit more with the whole cousin and family knowing deal and I appreciate all of you caring enough to encourage me and offer your advice.  It has helped me a great deal.  I have no idea what I would do without all of you. Lyns

I understand your feeling of not telling your family for fear of negativity. I planned on not telling my family, well my parents found out because my insurance sent the approve letter to their address instead of my address even though they had my current information on file. I am so stressed out right know because of it. They try and tell me that they will not let me get the surgery, though I don’t know how they will stop me. My mom was the first to confront me. I told her that it was my choice and I had to do what was best for my health and my future. I also told her that now one has the right know unless I tell them. You know sometimes people just want to keep things to themselves and they have a right to do that.