Support person seeking advice..beware..long

Hi everyone. Let me start out by saying how wonderful this site is. I have learned so much and gained a lot of insight from reading many posts. I am posting today in hopes of receiving some advice from fellow WLS supporters and WLS patients. My partner of 2 years is scheduled for gastric bypass 5/29. She has been considering WLS surgery since prior to our meeting each other and has been involved in the pre-op process since late last year. I have been her support person ever since. I have attended all appointments with surgeon, nurse, dietician and social worker. I have done extensive research on the RNY surgery as well as other things like nutrition requirements. She has been under the care of a counselor for the last 5 months. She started the required 2 week pre-op diet on Tuesday 5/15. As a show of support, and to experience even slightly what she is having to go through, as well as using this oppurtunity as an incentive for myself I have been doing the pre-op diet with her. It's really tough!! In my opinion, not hers, she is having a difficult time with the pre-op diet. To her immense credit, she has stopped drinking all soda to which she was very addicted to, stopped eating all bad food and stopped eating in the middle of the night which she was prone to do. She has however not been able to get the required protein shakes or the multivitamins/calcium supplements down. I remind her on a daily basis that she needs some form of protein and vitiman suppplement. She says that the protein shakes make her retch and the supplements make her gag. As far as eating food, she will not eat vegetables, raw or cooked, with the exception of some corn occasionally. She will eat minimal fruit. She does not have an adventurous palate, therefore is not really willing to even just try different foods. So basically, for the last 4 days she has subsisted on 1/2 cup of fruit and about 6 oz of chicken a day. Needless to say, she has been a very unhappy camper. I have searched far and wide for alternatives for her so that she will be able to get the required weight off, without putting herself into a "starvation mode". Last night she hit the proverbial "brick wall". While I was cooking up some fish for dinner, hoping she would be excited about the change from chicken, she complained of being starving. I suggested once again that she try to sip some protein shake as it does help with the hunger pains. This led to an arguement of how I am nagging her and not being supportive in what she has accomplished. She then declined the dinner I had made and proceeded to fall into her old eating habits. I stated to her that if she feels I am not the person to go through this process with her, that I understand and for her to find another support person. It escalated to the point where she is now saying she has decided to not have the surgery because 1. she does not want me calling the Surgery Center and "reporting" her and that 2. 50% of her desire to have the surgery is for me. I am at a loss. I know she wants this surgery for herself. She has often indicated she cannot wait for the day to be able to breathe normally, come off her medications, be more active around the house, enjoy being able to do things with me. I have never, not once, in 2 years been negative about her weight in anyway. This is the first I have heard her say anything about doing the surgery for me. I guess I am reaching out for some advice. Is my pushing her to take care of herself while she is going through this process the wrong thing to do? Am I too involved in what is ultimately her process, by doing many things she should be doing, such as looking for alternatives for protein, supplements and food? Should I accept her saying she is not having the surgery for the reasons she stated? Any help, advice would be GREATLY appreciated!

Deb, Let me start by saying how wonderful it is that you are trying to support her , that is not an easy position to be in by far. My partner (0f 9 years) is also VERY supportive and has been through so VERY much with me. This is a scary process , it is MAJOR surgery and I must admit it scared the be-jeebers out of me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It sounds, tho' like she isn't REALLY ready for this,maybe there are issues she hasn't dealt with yet , emotional issues. Unfortunately, this surgery only fixes our stomachs not our heads and that is where the eating issues are. You are right to be concerned that she will go into the "starvation mode" and then she won't lose anything, except her temper (as you well know). There are all kinds of protein drinks out there, some of them are VERY nasty and some of them are pretty tasty. Initially I would only drink mine with milk (which was a problem since milk gave me the dumps) but then I found Protein De-Lite which is made with Splenda and pieces of whatever fruit is in it (like Berries, Bananaes, Strawberries or CHOCOLATE!!!). I like the Very Berry Vanilla, I mix it with crushed ice, water and one of those individual drink packages (sugar free berry) and it is REALLY awesome , tastes like those expensive smoothies from the mall. There is a website, bariatriceating.com that sells samples of protein drinks. You don't want to buy a bunch of anything since once she has the surgery her tastes will change and what tastes good now may not taste so good then. If she wants to snack how about beef jerky, it is VERY high in protein. O'Berto's makes beef jerky chips which I dip into ranch dressing. I also buy beef jerky/cheese combos (Jack Links Brand) to snack on. Special K has protein bars that are pretty tasty and low cal. Speial K20 water is tasty and so is the IsoPure you can buy at GNC (make sure you get the sugar free one), sometimes I mix that with my protein shakes since sometimes it is a bit strong and sweet for my taste. I also buy the Koolaid individual packets and mix 1 to a 20 oz bottle of water (it calls for 2 but 1 is plenty sweet enough for me). Will she eat soups? Puree vegetables and put it in the broth (this is something I did to sneak mushrooms into things for my brother LOL). There are all kinds of good recipes on here for soups, Mexican Tortilla soup, green pepper soup, etc. There are also good recipes for snacks, protein balls etc. This sounds like a defense mechanism,that whole "there is nothing wrong with me it is the rest of the world that has a problem". None of us likes to admit that we have a problem. When I see morbidly obese people (I hate that term don't you?) I just want to run up and hug them and tell them the name of my surgeon and tell them "I know how you feel, I have been there but you don't have to stay there". However, I know that when I was almost 400 lbs I would have probably punched somebody for saying that to me and I would have told them that I didn't need help, especially theirs! (even though I knew that I did). Does she come on OH? Maybe you two can look at recipes together (I LOVE looking at recipes, my favorite past-time, if I can't eat food at least I can look at it and read about it LOL). As for the supplements, maybe she needs to take them at different times of the day. I have tried and tried to take mine all at once, just to be over and done with it BUT then A) my belly hurts B) I can't eat anything else for HOURS (because my belly is full) and C) it kills my ulcer. So I take my supplements in 2 stages (sometimes 3 if I need to bulk up on something). There are powdered multivitamins, I take those sometimes and mix them in my protein shake or my morning coffee. There is a thought, does she drink coffee? Does she like Cappucinno? Get chocolate protein powder, mix it with a small amount of cold water (or milk) HAS TO BE COLD or at least room temp, then pour in the coffee, instant protein cappucinno. I learned that I can NOT use a full scoop for this, it gives it that "Sugar free nasty after taste" so I use like a quarter scoop and do it in 2 or 3 cups of coffee, or hot chocolate. HMMMMMMMM Wonder what tea would taste like with it? Maybe vanilla powder and make it like Chai tea hmmmmmm have to try that one. If you try to mix the powder directly in the coffee it will get very lumpy and gross, you have to make a paste first. The vanilla protein powder is pretty tasty in the orange Crystal lite, kind of tastes like a dreamsicle. Are you buying Whey protein or soy? Soy is not as tasty and from everything I have read we don't absorb it very well post. Raw Almonds and sunflower seeds are a good source of protein too, and tasty for snacking. I don't know what the answer is , I don't think you are pushing too hard but each of us has a different way of reacting to things.This is probably a "damned if you do and damned if you don't" situation. If you backed off and didn't give a rats patootie about anything you would be accused of being negligent and nonsupportive and if you try to help and be interested then you are being a nag . That is just the way human nature is, it HAS to be somebody's fault and she is feeling like a failure and it can't be her fault. Of course she is setting herself up for failure by starving herself, NOBODY can live that way and it only causes us to stop losing weight and get VERY cranky (like I need to tell YOU that LOL). Good luck and come back here for some support, trust me when I say we understand. Ciao 4 now, Berta

Berta, Thank you so much for responding. Your suggestions are wonderful. I'm glad to say that she has had some time to think and has concluded that she really did act out of fear and stress..and has told me she really does want the surgery for herself and for her own reasons. I assured her that it is, of course, entirely her decision and that I will continue to support her in whatever she endeavors. Since 'the meltdown', we have found a few things that she thinks will enable her to get through the pre-op diet. I have backed off a bit in pushing the protein and supplements as she appears to be more willing to 'try' different things if I do not appear to pu****hink the key here, from a support person's perspective, is to be aware of what she needs, if she is getting it or not, but then finding a subtle and gentle way of reminding her and coaxing her. Surgery is less than a week away. She is stressing somewhat that she did damage to herself by not sticking with the diet for the full 2 weeks, but she has recommitted herself and I think she will be OK. Again, THANK YOU...I have found that support for the 'support' person is very limited, so it is very nice to hear from someone that appreciates and understands the issues that the support person faces. Au revoir! Deb