How do I help my mom who has already had surgery?

My mom had Gastric Bypass surgery 3 weeks ago. I was so happy she had finally made the decision to change her life. She had become so ill in the past few years due to her weight and all the health issues that it causes. My son (her first grandchild) was born in December and I had feared she would not live long enough to see him graduate high school, get married, etc due to the path she was on. I was so proud of her that she took this major step so she could be a part of all our lives again.

However, now I do not know what to do. She is still supposed to be on pureed foods only and I am finding out that she is already going back to fast food resturants. After all her kids moved out and went to college (the last one in 2003), she began going to the local fast food resturants for BOTH lunch and dinner everyday. She will eat and sit there for 1-2 hours doing puzzlebooks in her booth. She said she did it just to get out of the house. She never cooked at home anymore and never went to sit-down restuarants because she felt they were too expense. She has told me that now after her surgery, she only gets "a little bit", such as an order of beans at Taco Bell or mashed potates and gravy from KFC. She also frequents the local grocery store cafe where she told me she had mashed potatoes and gravy and a roasted chicken leg but that it was ok because she chewed it up "really small".  She told me that I was being unreasonable in my request to have her stop going to fast food restuarants and that she now only goes once a day which in her opinion is not a lot.

I have already told her that I cannot be supportive of her decision to eat out like that especially so early after her surgery. I have refused to meet her out at fast food restuarants and she says that I am hitting below the belt by keeping her grandson from her. She is always welcome to visit him at my house and I told her that we can meet to walk laps at the mall, but that I will not meet her if she goes to the food court. She told me that I did not have to eat with her, I could jus****ch her eat so she could see the baby. I did not agree to that.

I have suggested to her to go Target and walk around (like the grocery store except without the cafe). Or go to Borders or Starbucks to sit and do her puzzlebooks where the food temptation is minimum. She disagrees and told me that the fast food restuarants are fine becuase she has to learn to be able to go out and eat at those places and she assures me that they have healthy food options she is allowed.

Is this true? Am I being unreasonable? Do the doctors and nutritionists tell patients it is ok to go back to their old habits as long as they only have "a little bit"? If so, I will back off but I just cannot see how that is true. Is she just making excusees so she does not have to change? Isn't it too soon? I would of thought she should steer clear of those places for at least 90 days to prove to herself that she does not need it (like any other addict and ther addiction). Do they not teach this in the pre-surgery classes and post-surgery support groups? She went to all of the pre-classes and is part of a support group. I feel horrible and all I want to do is help her get better. I told her I am not acting this way to be mean but becuase I love her.

I'd like some advice as to what to do or say from someone who has had the surgery or from family members who have supported them.  I want to be supportive and I need my mom to succeed. I need my mom to be around and I want her here for my son too. Thank you.

MO only...

Your mother has to live with the consequences of her own actions rather she is behaving appropriately or not with her dieting skills.  You can continue to love your mother and share her grandchild with her but if you are not comfortable doing that at a food court then don't. 

From what I can remember right after my surgery.. (it was 5 years ago).. I had such head hunger.  I would watch the food channel constantly and never watched it before.  I would long to eat a big boy from Frisches.. or a big mac from McDonalds.  Once (I dont' remember how far out.. it may have been about a month) I wanted onion rings from Frisches.  I went and got them and ate a couple.  It didn't taste the same.. not as good.  It satisfied my urge to have them and I realized they didn't taste as good as what my head was telling me.  Have I had any since.. YES.. I'm 5 years out.  I know it's not a good choice, but I have to learn to work my WLS and eating habits if I want to maintain my weight.  It's hard.. but I have to do it.  Not have my mother (which she does).. tell me that I'm gaining weight.  I KNOW when I am.. as I did before WLS.  It's up to ME to work it or suffer the consequences of my actions.

Not long out from my surgery I went to see my surgeon and told him I'm having trouble keeping protein down.  It's dense.. and it hurts the pouch and I would throw up.  He recommended chili from Wendy's.  Said that it cooks a very long time and the density of it breaks down and is easier on our pouch to digest.  I also not long out had mashed potatoe with gravy from KFC.. other food does not digest well.. and  it was a comfort food that soothed the taste buds and didn't hurt the stomach. 

MO.. you mother will be experimenting for a long time on what foods she can tolerate.. and what she can't.  I before didn't like many veggies.. brussel sprouts.. red peppers.. kale..   and now I love them.  I use to love fast food burgers.. and now I don't cuz I find too many grizzles in them..  but I experimented and found all this out. 

Keep trying to encourage your mother to do healthy activities.. walking.. hiking.. etc.  Exercise is important.  Transferring a food addiction into a more healthy addiction.  Perhaps.. even meet at the food court allow her to have her lunch and then go walking the mall.  Any activity at this point is probably more than what she had before.  She's fairly new out.. her body will lose weight but she will have a bigger change going on emotionally.  

There are plenty who have had the surgery and  maintain.. and some gain their weight back, but it really is up to your mother in the end..  no matter how bad you want it for her it's her doing!  If she gains it back.. will you no longer love her or allow her to see her grandchild because she failed..?  and trust me.. many of us have that fear all on our own.. we don't need to be reminded of it from anyone else of the possibility.

It's really wonderful that you care so much to come here and ask how to give her the support.  Just love her and encourage her positively.  Best wishes!! 

Thank you, that does help for me to know how other dealt with it and overcame the temptations.
I have talked to her more about this since I posted. I told that I love her and I will support her in any way I can. However, I cannot I just do not feel comfortable meeting her for fast food. I believe we have now come to an agreement and she sees that I truely do care about her well-being. Thank you responding.

Good on you for supporting your mom like this! I agree with you that it is too soon to be eating some of these foods if your surgeon has not okayed it.  I'm glad you guys reached a comprimise, stick to your guns, it is for her own good!

lotsa luck!
manda

I am 4  months post surgery and can tell you it does take trying the things your head tells you that you want, in order to realize you don't like/want them anymore. I love vegetables now, and hated them before surgery. I used to eat pasta every day, now it's just too hard on my stomach.
Milk? forget about it! Although I loved milk prior to surgery. Through experimenting, I am retraining my brain on things I do and don't like.  that's the hardest part......that, and the head hunger.
I hope this helps, hang in there!!

 It really does depend on her food choices----Wendy's chili is fine, a side order of refries is fine, mashed potatoes and gravy while she's still on puree is fine.  

At only 3 weeks out she can only eat about 1/4 to 1/2 a cup of anything---so calories aren't really an issue. Calorie counting isn't emphasized until much farther out, if ever--counting grams of carbs, protein, and sugar is the focus.  

Maintaining portion size is the other crucial guide.  Right now she should be careful to keep her portions very small.   She won't be able to tell if she's full until her stomach  finishes healing (nerves were cut) about another 3-4 weeks---so buy her some cute measuring cups or 1/4 and 1/2 cup tupperware cups she can tuck inside her purse.

 Right now your mom's nutritional goal  has to be concentrating on getting at least 64 oz of fluids/day and 60 grams of protein/day down.  

Ask her to take you with her to her next nutritionist's appointment so you can feel more comfortable with her choices because really she's not making bad choices---well maybe that chicken leg was a little adventurous---but only because it really should have gone thru a blender first.


You could meet her at the food court and share a bowl of chili with her, then go walking.

As much as you love her, what you can't do is be your mother's food cop----this is her journey.