Running out of time....

I am going to visit family out of state that has not seen me in 2 years.  The last time they saw me I was 180... the time before that was before kids and I was 135.  I really wanted to show everyone that I was able to lose this freaking baby weight.  My husbands side of the family doesn't know I was fat my entire life (I lost 90lbs. before I met my husband.).  When they saw me at 180 I could see the shock in their faces (even though noone said anything of course). I thought with surgery in May that I would at least be 170 or 180... maybe less.....  Crazy huh!   I leave in a little more than 2 weeks.  I'll never make it!!  Especially at not even breaking that stupid 200 mark!!!!

I truly hate myself...... I was feeling so good with eating less and much better and working out like CRAZY!!!

The family loves me and treat me better than my own family.  They never say a word to me about it and pretend they don't notice.  I just remember the looks on some of their faces the last time when I walked out of the room to great them.  they gave me their hellos and warm kisses but the double take or eye widening they couldn't help doing was obvious to me.  And I only weighed 180 then!!!

I would crawl under a rock if there was one big enough.  Why is it that my stupid weight should make me feel this bad. I freaking HATE IT ALREADY!!!  Im a good person.... why am I being punished? I swear when my kids were born I prayed to god to make them grow up happy, healthy and thin. I still feel the pain of my obese childhood.

Please excuse my rant but TOM is approaching and Im super emotional... and you are the only freinds I have that I can talk to about this that actually understand me.    

Im sorry to hear what your going through. Just try to make the best of your situation. Your weight is coming off extremely slow but maybe you can try some different things to improve the weight loss. What are you eating, and how many fills have you had so far u mentioned working out so how is that going! I just hope that things get better for you and stay strong

Thanks,  I know... I will be all smiles and noone will know a thing.  I am the happiest person alive to most people.  People actually love to be around me because I am always crackin jokes and love to party and have fun.... It's when Im alone that I break down.

I am eating by the bandster rules and work out like crazy.  My trainer took me running on the beach yesturday... Yes, running.  I am fitter then some of my skinny friends.  My trainer pushes me to points I didn't know existed. oh, and Ive had 3 fills. restriction is ok I guess.

Don't stress over it.  You already said they love you more than your own family.  When was the last time you saw them?  People change even over the course of a year.  You may be surprised when you see some of them. Go have fun and don't worry about what you weigh your doing great. Jenn

last time was 2 years ago.  My youngest was 8 months old so I was still playing the baby weight game.  Yeah right!! Whats my excuse now?  I try not to stress.  I try not to obsess.  But I cant help it.

Tell them you had to take care of their son for the last two years and he has to eat good food or he gets cranky!!!!  That's the excuse Jenn

hmmmm, thats actually pretty good... lol

I always hate the holiday time because thats when you see family and you feel that everyone is judging you.  Last year was pretty bad...i was at 350...   What you need to do is stick your head up HIGH....YOU HAVE LOST 22 LBS...You should be proud of yourself of what you accomplished and not worry about what your husbands familly thinks. Good luck...let us know how it goes!

Thanks John,  I get what you are saying.  It's just my 22 lb. loss is actually still 30lbs. heavier then when they last saw me 2 years ago.  I know they don't judge me but I still feel like I want to know what they are thinking.  Last time we were there I hid in the room as much as possible, didn't go with my husband to visit friends and cried myself to sleep every night almost (making sure to be quiet so my husband doesn't hear).

I don't know why I feel this way and I know I shouldn't but I cant help it.  I can't help hating the fact that I cant live normaly without constantly thinking about my weight and how I look.  I hate being this way already.. I HATE IT!!!

Oh, John by the way.... My trainer made me put my scale away. I am not allowed to weigh myself anymore...  except once a week.