holiday stupidity
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My soon-to-be-ex-husband was home for the holidays. And I had sex with him. What an incredibly stupid thing to do. He thought it was awesome. I thought of someone else. He was home for 4 nights, and we had sex on the first night. Then, of course, he begged me for it every other night, even going out and refilling his Viagra prescription. I told him I wasn't having sex with him again. I told him it was Christmas and I was feeling lonely. That's all. When his girlfriend called him, he refused to answer her calls. He wanted us to be a couple again. I can't do it. I can't think about him without thinking about all the pain he's caused. I can't look at him without thinking of all the years he used drugs and all the things I had to go through alone. I will never trust that he could be a real husband to me or father to my children. I've been punishing myself with food since Friday. God, I didn't even realize it until I wrote it just now. I knew I was feeding something, but I didn't know what. Since my weight loss surgery, it is very obvious when I am eating out of emotions, because I am NEVER eating anymore out of hunger. It is so good to be getting this out here. I didn't even tell my sponsor what happened because I'm so embarrassed, I feel stupid, and I hate myself even more than I did before. Thanks for listening.
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jastypes
26-Dec-07 Why did I sleep with him in the first place? What was up with that? What was I thinking? I wanted to be close to someone. I wanted to be loved. But I know better than to think he would love me the way I need to be loved. Was I punishing myself then for something? The last time I saw him, he called me a ***** twice and told me that Jesus Christ himself couldn't bring out anything good in me. And then the next time I see him I have sex with him? I am a ***** I am horrible. I am a terrible human being.
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Blessings, Jill
WLS 5/31/07. Maintaining a weight loss of 141 pounds and feeling amazing!
Don't be so hard on yourself. It happened. It's done. You can't take it back. Instead, just try to look at it as reassurance of your STRENGTH - yes I said strength. You are still strongly convicted that you do not want to go on with the relationship. When I was married during the last few years and contemplating divorce, any sign of warmth or affection would be enough to still my sails for a few more weeks - the hoping, the wanting the closeness etc. all weakness. I wouldn't assign too much value to the experience other than that of learning. It's a natural expression between man and woman - especially married and even newly divorced ones. It's familiar, it's normal, and yeah you might regret it, but I'm sure it's much more healthy than going out and picking up a guy with whom to sleep. You're ok - you're growing. Giving you a big hug. love and light, Michelle
"God does not care about our mathmatecial difficulties - he integrates emperically!" - Albert Einstein
Albert Schweitzer
