OT - VENT

I am so beyond furious with the ex!!!! He decides that he can short pay his support so that he can get a phone to call his kids, who he's made no attempt to visit in the last 8 months!!! WTF?????? I cannot believe he is such a jack@$$!!! He is facing criminal charges and does not have any custody of his kids. He in fact has to have supervised visits and that's all, which he hasn't made any attempt until last week to schedule. On the advice of my social worker, he was to start calling them on a regular basis to show he is committed to being a part of their lives, then there was to be a visit in a public place with his father present, aware of the conditions set. His reply last week was he didn't have a phone cause he couldn't pay the bill due to his charges ( paying for lawyer) not my problem! And when I told him which Sunday would work, he replied that "sucks to be him" cause he has to go with whatever time his father is available???? Nuh-uh, since I have sole custody the ball is in my park and what I say goes, this from the social worker. And since this is still being tied up in the courts, I really don't think I can do anything right now about the short amount...this weekend is my oldest's birthday too, nice present from his dad, eh? Sorry just need to get this out as I am about to explode from my anger.

Vent away!  I can hear your frustration and I can never understand a parent who is negligent on their financial support and worse yet,  their personal support!

Hoping things turn around for you soon!   

My ex used to think that by paying his December support meant that I was buying our son, his three nieces, two nephews, two brothers and two sister in laws Christmas gifts. I just have to shake my head. Really, like really where do they come up with this stuff?

I can sympathize with you 100%.

 Vent away....and that is why he is your EX-spouse because he is a jerk and a spineless one at that.  Make the best of the birthday for your son and everyone will be the better for it by ignoring the SOB's antics.  Can't tell I have been there too eh?  and remember 'this too shall pass'.

Best wishes to you mom, keep your chin up and yeah a very Happy Birthday to your son -  I am sure you will make it a great one.

 I do know its hard but I found greater personal power in not allowing my kids father to make me mad.  As long as I let him make me anything I was giving away my power, odd thing was I stopped letting it bother me at all and when he believed I did not care at all what he did or did not do he stopped hurting the kids.  He still tried to hurt by withholding child support but after I got a good job even that did not hurt as much.  If you can remember only you can make yourself feel anything do not give him any power over the way you feel it will make you feel better it worked for me at least he does sound like a real prize I 

Ugh.  Don't even get me started on my ex.  I feel for you.  Hang in there - living well and healthy and happy is the best revenge.

YES!!!! Just figuring this out myself.

 "Nuh-uh, since I have sole custody the ball is in my park and what I say goes, this from the social worker."

You're not likely going to care for what I am writing  but.. it is hard cold truth and the sooner you get to understanding it, the LESS frustration you are going to have in your life.

I gotta say this and your social worker? Needs to get HER act together. Custody, access and support have NOTHING to do with each other. Ask a lawyer, not a social worker. I get very frustrated hearing women think they can "decide" when access is going to be. At some point all parties need to realize that this is about the children, and not their previous  relationship issues.

He is their Dad. Whether you like that or not isn't relevant. The children have a "right" to see their father and you do not have the right to screw with that. If he is only able to see his kids when his father can assist him in doing so, then you have an obligation to facilitate that. This is for the kids. I would take it from your writings that the father-in-law is the one who does the "supervising" and if that's the case, this is about the kids seeing their dad.

The kids have a right to have a relationship with their father, no matter how much of a dick he is in your eyes. They don't see him as a criminal or anything else, They see him as their Dad.....and you do not want to screw with that one. It WILL come back and bite you in the tushie

I know you don't want to hear this. And it seems like it isn't being supportive but I'm being honest with you.

There is another way to get around the support issue. It's called the Family Responsibility  Office. When support is agreed on and in  put in writing by the courts, have it put over to the F.R.O.. THEY can take his license if he "decides" not to pay or play games.. In fact, it can be guaransheed right off his paycheque. It is totally the way to go for "ex's " with attitude who think paying isn't necessary.

I totally get your frustration. In more ways than you can imagine.

If you really want to give your kid a "gift", show him Mommy is the bigger person and LET YOUR CHILD have a relationship with his father.

Trust me, when the kids are older, if he really is a doink, they will figure it out. But if YOU screw with their heads on this or stop them from seeing their dad........

Trust me. please...

signed

"16 years later"

I don't want to stop him from seeing his kids, I want him to pay the support he HAS To pay FOR his kids. Power to him that he wants to get a phone but NOT at the expense of the kids! I have to feed and cloth them, how am I to do that when he all of a sudden decides to only give me half of what they (the kids) are entitled to. Also, he has made NO attempt in over 8 months but now that he has a court date for his charges, he all of a sudden wants to see them?? he had a phone before but never called them its not their fault their dad can't pay his bills. They still need the necessities to live a good life, right? I'm sorry but I don't agree with me having to make anymore concessions for him he's a grown man, I had enough of his abuse during our time together I DO NOT have to put up with it and neither do my kids. He's doing this as a ploy, he doesn't care about them, he only cares about himself! Sorry but I was quite put out with your reply as not everyone's situation is the same.

Having been in a similar situation myself I agree with some of what Mermaids has said.  I had sole custody as well but my lawyer firmly warned me that I still had to grant him reasonable access. He couldn't just call me and say I want to see him now, if he gave me reasonable notice then I had to or I was the one who could get in trouble.  It sounds as though he gave you reasonable notice that one day would not work for him and you power tripped and said no. I know right now your nerves are raw over this as were mine but you need to let go of the anger and put the kids first and put your feelings aside for their father.  If you continue to deny access when he is giving you lots of notice then you will be the one that gets in trouble in the long run.  I am not saying this to be mean at all, just telling you exactly what a lawyer told me and I put a lot more faith in what a lawyer has to say about  this than what any social worker has to say.  There are laws in this province about custody and access and you need to follow them so you need to be listening to a lawyer not a social worker.  The SW is there to help but if he/she doesn' t know the law they could be doing you a huge disservice.

Btw your ex is an ass to keep back support but you can't punish him by holding back the kids.