OT - VENT
he didn't really give notice, he didn't give me a date...I mentioned to him that since he hasn't had any contact with the kids for so long, that to start with a committed phone call schedule, because of our busy schedules, the kids have after school activities, the weekends are the only time we have available, as does he and his father. Since there has been no regular contact/visits, I'm not putting our lives on hold waiting for him to decide or to upheave any plans we've already made, for example, this past weekend we went away to relatives to celebrate Thanksgiving, this coming weekend is my son's 10th birthday, and we will be away Sunday to a family baby shower. I mentioned to him that the following Sunday afternoon will work, as that is two weeks notice that I GAVE him, but you see, he already discussed this with his father, not me, and he was probably attempting for the long weekend! Two days notice??? We don't have any agreement as yet, he has his conditions due to his criminal charge that he has to adhere to or face jail time, the court system is very tiring and long when faced with having to do it all on my own as I cannot afford a lawyer. This is him doing what's best for HIM not his kids. Another thought popped in my head as well, now that the court date for his charges is coming, he may want to see his kids to make sure they don't say anything, wouldn't put it past him to "scare them" about if they do say anything they'll never see him again, etc...
I do appreciate all the advice, thank you so much! I am not denying him access, just working on a schedule that fits the kids' lives, he's the one not willing to change his attitude towards this and put THEM FIRST. I was so happy when I heard his dad was willing to come and help be the superivision, but for him to take away the support and throw it in my face that it's so he can get a phone to call???? Pay phones still exist don't they?
I do appreciate all the advice, thank you so much! I am not denying him access, just working on a schedule that fits the kids' lives, he's the one not willing to change his attitude towards this and put THEM FIRST. I was so happy when I heard his dad was willing to come and help be the superivision, but for him to take away the support and throw it in my face that it's so he can get a phone to call???? Pay phones still exist don't they?
Moving on doesn't mean you forget about things. It just means you have to accept what happened and continue LIVING
(deactivated member)
on 10/11/12 1:43 am - Bumfuknowhere, Canada
on 10/11/12 1:43 am - Bumfuknowhere, Canada
You can't really dictate how he has contact with his kids so just be careful. Unless there is a court order saying it has to be supervised or that you can decide how he contacts them, you are in fact denying him. You may not mean to but you are by setting these limites. My ex was an absolute asshole about our son and even with set visitations he didn't follow through and that is why we went to reasonble access with reasonable notice. I had to have my son ready for the set visitations or I could get in trouble but when he didn't follow through, the judge said that no set visitation was best but that I had to be reasonable with the access as long as he didn't just give me a few hours notice. I was able to carry on with our lives but when he did ask, I did my best to accomodate him. I did it for my son, not him. Kids don't understand the whole separation thing and they just know mom and dad and nothing more. He may not have any malicious intent to want to see his kids, perhaps he has time to reflect and now wants to see them. I had a restraining order again my ex but he still saw his son now and then when his sister could come and get it. The order was for me not our son so I never denied him. Kids figure things out for themselves and if he continues this, they will likely see him for what he truly is.
I'm not sure if you had a true order for child support or not but if you do, sign up with FRO so they can go after him for the money. It's easier to have them involved since you two don't get along. My ex and I didn't bother for years going through FRO because we had no problem with the support. When I moved 10 hours away from him, I had FRO take care of it as I didn't want to have to try and find him should the support not be deposited.
I'm not sure if you had a true order for child support or not but if you do, sign up with FRO so they can go after him for the money. It's easier to have them involved since you two don't get along. My ex and I didn't bother for years going through FRO because we had no problem with the support. When I moved 10 hours away from him, I had FRO take care of it as I didn't want to have to try and find him should the support not be deposited.
Rymebe
Trust me I am not trying to agitate you further but I have been where you are or at least what you describe. In fact so much so that it is a bit scary.
Exact same cir****tances. And if I was your shoes, I'd be pissed at reading what I wrote to but at the end of the day, it's the truth and the sooner you learn to not let him.. and yes you do let him (you have control,,, remember that) push your buttons, the better or more peace you will have. Been through the supervised visits, criminal charges pending, his "seeming" to not care about our son and putting his own needs before them, screwing with the visits, cancelling at the last minute. Me being the one to explain why daddy disappeared for months (when in fact "Daddy" was pissed at "mommy" so to punish her...)...ignoring him when he DId have him for visits... The list goes on
I can undestand your anger..but at some point you have to get past it. It does nothing but suck up your energy when you really do need that energy for your kids. The VERY best revenge you can exact is to move on past his crap and raise your kids so that they are happy and healthy.
It was at that point in my own life when I came to the conclusion that I had to take the higher road...every time. Part of that meant putting aside my own rage and disgust and looking at what is right for our son. And that meant accommdating and facilitating visits, not speaking poorly of him within ear shot of my son etc
You can put the support order before the courts.. and PLEASE put it into F.R.O. for your own sanity.. That way he has to pay and you dont have to argue about it. It comes off his cheque. Done.
It sucks being a single mom ...and yes we do get the short end when it comes to the financial aspect of it.
But please,,, I am not trying to hurt you or **** you off.. but the sooner you get passed him.. and not let him have any control .. you'll do so much better
and so will your kids..
Trust me I am not trying to agitate you further but I have been where you are or at least what you describe. In fact so much so that it is a bit scary.
Exact same cir****tances. And if I was your shoes, I'd be pissed at reading what I wrote to but at the end of the day, it's the truth and the sooner you learn to not let him.. and yes you do let him (you have control,,, remember that) push your buttons, the better or more peace you will have. Been through the supervised visits, criminal charges pending, his "seeming" to not care about our son and putting his own needs before them, screwing with the visits, cancelling at the last minute. Me being the one to explain why daddy disappeared for months (when in fact "Daddy" was pissed at "mommy" so to punish her...)...ignoring him when he DId have him for visits... The list goes on
I can undestand your anger..but at some point you have to get past it. It does nothing but suck up your energy when you really do need that energy for your kids. The VERY best revenge you can exact is to move on past his crap and raise your kids so that they are happy and healthy.
It was at that point in my own life when I came to the conclusion that I had to take the higher road...every time. Part of that meant putting aside my own rage and disgust and looking at what is right for our son. And that meant accommdating and facilitating visits, not speaking poorly of him within ear shot of my son etc
You can put the support order before the courts.. and PLEASE put it into F.R.O. for your own sanity.. That way he has to pay and you dont have to argue about it. It comes off his cheque. Done.
It sucks being a single mom ...and yes we do get the short end when it comes to the financial aspect of it.
But please,,, I am not trying to hurt you or **** you off.. but the sooner you get passed him.. and not let him have any control .. you'll do so much better
and so will your kids..
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
Thank you so much! I am sorry if I came out all guns blazing, but my kids are MY EVERYTHING. Almost in tears after reading this...my emotions are on my sleeve right now. LOL I won't deny him to visit his kids, but I am royally pissed that he would put them in such a situation where money will be tight at a time we should be celebrating a joyous occasion, my son is 10 in 2 days!
His conditions are that he isn't allowed to be alone with ANY child under the age of 16, other than his own children which he MUST have supervised visits. I have started the court process, he has been served, he is aware of what I am asking for, he never replied back but because it involves the home (financial aspect), he is given ample time from the courts to "plea his case", when someone is served and doesn't have the decency to respond back...why should they be given another chance? If not for that, I would have had FRO involved by now!
I do thank you for the feedback and support, I am so grateful to having found such a great support group that not only helps with WLS but with life as well...
It's going to be tight, but I'm going to make it the best birthday for him!! :)
His conditions are that he isn't allowed to be alone with ANY child under the age of 16, other than his own children which he MUST have supervised visits. I have started the court process, he has been served, he is aware of what I am asking for, he never replied back but because it involves the home (financial aspect), he is given ample time from the courts to "plea his case", when someone is served and doesn't have the decency to respond back...why should they be given another chance? If not for that, I would have had FRO involved by now!
I do thank you for the feedback and support, I am so grateful to having found such a great support group that not only helps with WLS but with life as well...
It's going to be tight, but I'm going to make it the best birthday for him!! :)
Moving on doesn't mean you forget about things. It just means you have to accept what happened and continue LIVING
On October 11, 2012 at 9:54 AM Pacific Time, RYMEBE73 wrote:
Thank you so much! I am sorry if I came out all guns blazing, but my kids are MY EVERYTHING. Almost in tears after reading this...my emotions are on my sleeve right now. LOL I won't deny him to visit his kids, but I am royally pissed that he would put them in such a situation where money will be tight at a time we should be celebrating a joyous occasion, my son is 10 in 2 days!His conditions are that he isn't allowed to be alone with ANY child under the age of 16, other than his own children which he MUST have supervised visits. I have started the court process, he has been served, he is aware of what I am asking for, he never replied back but because it involves the home (financial aspect), he is given ample time from the courts to "plea his case", when someone is served and doesn't have the decency to respond back...why should they be given another chance? If not for that, I would have had FRO involved by now!
I do thank you for the feedback and support, I am so grateful to having found such a great support group that not only helps with WLS but with life as well...
It's going to be tight, but I'm going to make it the best birthday for him!! :)
Bravo!!!!
pst? if he has been legally served and does not show up? hehehe.. My son's father did that... and yours truly got EVERYTHING she wanted!
It doesn't matter if he replies or not. He's a doink and you knew that when you kicked his ass to the curb..
What matters is that you recieve the financial support you need to raise the kidlets. And that will come.. it's just a long process
Your son WILL have the most ROCKIN' birthday ever just cuz you put your mind to it.. and you can do awesome parties on da cheap (been there, done that- do a treasure hunt of some of his items outside..keeps him busy for hours, dollar stores rock for balloons-fill them with water and have the kids pass them to each other belly to belly.. hehehe.. I could go on.
You're gonna be fine... you will.. I promise!!
huggers
d
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
(deactivated member)
on 10/11/12 6:43 am - Guelph, Canada
on 10/11/12 6:43 am - Guelph, Canada
wow sorry to hear you are going through this...
its posts like this that make me thankful the my oldest sons father was a complete dip **** and hid from everyone... hid from the FRO office.. lived on under the table jobs... hid from most of his family.. and the ones he didn't hide from had no idea about our son...
I did not have the custody issues.. he walked into the court room and said where do I sign I have a bus to catch... so the judge automatically gave me sole custody.
my son is now 20 and found the bio dad about 3 years ago.. I was very smart when I was raising my son.. I never bad mouthed his father.. when asked where he is I simply replied "I dont know where he is" and that was the truth... when I held him cause he was crying that his dad didn't love him.. I told him I cant answer that ... that's something you need to ask him one day. and when that day came all the questions came out and when he realized that he made more $ in 6 months then his dad did in a year.. he laughed..when he found out that he has 6 brothers and sisters from 4 different women... my son handed his dad a condom and told him how to use it..
I guess my point is to try and hold a strong front... dont let your clouded opinion tarnish their opinion of their father... trust me when they are old enough he will do it for himself and then you are not the bad guy
its posts like this that make me thankful the my oldest sons father was a complete dip **** and hid from everyone... hid from the FRO office.. lived on under the table jobs... hid from most of his family.. and the ones he didn't hide from had no idea about our son...
I did not have the custody issues.. he walked into the court room and said where do I sign I have a bus to catch... so the judge automatically gave me sole custody.
my son is now 20 and found the bio dad about 3 years ago.. I was very smart when I was raising my son.. I never bad mouthed his father.. when asked where he is I simply replied "I dont know where he is" and that was the truth... when I held him cause he was crying that his dad didn't love him.. I told him I cant answer that ... that's something you need to ask him one day. and when that day came all the questions came out and when he realized that he made more $ in 6 months then his dad did in a year.. he laughed..when he found out that he has 6 brothers and sisters from 4 different women... my son handed his dad a condom and told him how to use it..
I guess my point is to try and hold a strong front... dont let your clouded opinion tarnish their opinion of their father... trust me when they are old enough he will do it for himself and then you are not the bad guy
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