Funky town... anyone else been here and how do I find my way back home?? LONG and...

Lots of big hugs to you as well. This sounds really rough and without the crutch of food not as easy to deal with as it was pre-op but at least now you are being real and honest instead of numb. Lots of great advice as well so I won't offer more. You are not a bad mom! We are people too, we aren't just moms, we deserve to have feelings of our own and not just take whatever our kids hand out to us.

Thanks, Jenn. Moms deserve feelings of their own? Who knew?? Your kindness is appreciated.

Well crappity smaking heck. (I hit my cursing quota already today)

Ok... So I am going to ask you a few questions I came up with a few years ago for myself:

When you are with S. Can you picture yourself waking up next to him every day? In a month... In a year... In 5 years...

When you are apart... Do you see something and think of him? Do you miss him or do you enjoy the flexibility that the long distance relationship brings for you?

Honestly Thea... You need to do what is "correct" for you. If you are still in the stage where you are adjusting to your new life, and are unsure you are ready to make that kind of move then you need to tell him such. If you can't at least picture him in your life in 5 years... You need to tell him that as well.

There is NOTHING wrong with saying:

Look... I am still going through some major life changes and re-finding/re-learning myself. I have stuff going on with my son... I am not able to add a major move on top of it all. Can we revisit this in 6 months?

Anyone who can't understand and appreciate this needs to be a part of the past.

Shell

P.S. STOP TURTLING as my friend calls it.

You are just awesome! Great advice. I will ask myself those questions and respond honestly. I'm kinda scared of my answers but at least I'll feel better knowing.

Thanks!!! (You really are awesome!)

Thank you Thea. *blush*

I asked myself those very questions a couple times over my relationship with my husband. They are hard to ask and answer some days... Even when I am doing a "face palm" moment.

 

Best of luck with all that is going on.

Shell

Deep inside the answers are already there.

it's the heart that doesn't want to acknowledge them

best of luck to you and warm hugs

 

Your situation has been on my mind the past few days, Thea.  Especially the part where you feel like you haven't given your son "the tools" to be on his own.

I dropped out of high school on by 18th birthday because I just couldn't stand it any longer, and this was after skipping classes for much of grade 12.  I was 2 courses away from graduation, but just couldn't stick it out.  I got a minimum wage job, lived at home for a little while with it, but I was just so impatient for my adult life to begin that I moved out soon after I was 18 as well.  My parents were, of course, very worried about me.  I wasn't smoking pot, but of course like everyone else my age, I would drink with friends, not to the point of addiction, but hey, I was young.

When I moved out, I didn't have any skills either.  I couldn't cook, could barely clean - I just barely managed to wear clean clothes to work.  But boy, you sure do learn when you have to do it.  After a year of that, I moved back home and finished high school.  At the time, it was kind of a "shameful" thing, but looking back on it now, I realize that I needed that year of "reality" in order to take education, and life, a little more seriously.

I don't think there are very many 18 year-olds who have "the tools" to be on their own these days.  If you know anyone who works for a university, they'll tell you that helicopter parents accompany their kids to frosh weeks and orientation, many new students call their parents every day, parents call professors all the time to complain about their kids' marks, etc.  And a lot of young adults have a really hard time coping with being away from home, even in highly structured "home" environments like dormitories.

So you're not any worse of a parent than any of the rest of us. :)  One thing you might think about doing is telling your son, "Okay, you don't want to go to school and you want to move out when you're 18.  Let's use this time for me to teach you some basic survival skills for when you're on your own."  And then maybe teach him how to make a few cheap (very cheap) and healthy meals.  Whether he moves out or not, this will be extremely useful for him.  Maybe teach him some basics of budgeting, how to shop, etc.  If he's not concentrating on school, then maybe he'll concentrate on this if you frame it as a way for him to learn how to be more independent.

I wanted so badly to be independent at his age.  I couldn't wait to move out.  I totally understand where he is coming from.  The pot smoking - that's a drag, but in my opinion probably no worse than the drinking everyone did when I was his age - the only difference is that pot, for some stupid reason, is illegal.

Anyhow, just some thoughts.  I hope everything turns out okay.  It never turns out perfectly, but you'll get through it, because we always do.  And whatever happens with your son, he will learn and grow from it.  No matter what dumb mistakes we make at his age, we can always recover from them - I did!