I got good news and then a crappy reaction...

First of all, I got good news today; I am scheduled for Pre-op Class on September 18 and to meet Dr. Yelle on Oct. 1. Now, the bad news; I just had an argument with my previously supportive (I thought) 21 year old son *****sponded to the above news with, "Have you really thought about this?" and then proceeded to lecture me about the dangers of surgery and about how all I really need to do is cut back.... I got soooooo upset. And it remains unresolved. Before our argument I had also told him that he was welcome to come to the pre-op class with me and he said he didn't think it was necessary.... Now, I'm not sure how to approach this with him. Any ideas? Thanks

Hey:

In my honest opinion sometimes it's better to close your lips,, swallow your reaction and move on, give him time, you still have a month to go until the appointment.

He might come around, he's only worried about his Mama.

Laurie

I've got a pretty no-nonsense approach to this whole process. And that is....you don't have to like it. But you do have to be respectful and expect to get an ass-kicking if you choose to try and "educate" me on the dangers, or suggest I "just try the old fashioned way". I have absolutely no patience for that. We're all grown ups here, and we're the ones who have to live in these bodies that are unhealthy and trapping us.

I say leave it be, and when and if he comes back, make it clear that this is *your* decision, and what's best for *you*. It's understandable that he's concerned, but there needs to be a limit - at least in my opinion.

Don't let him rain on your parade!  Hang in there, and make sure he knows your going to do this with or without his support.  

Often I have found that people's first reaction to a situation is not there final reaction, I would expect he's scared or worried about you and it will just be a matter of time before he comes around.  I know it hurts, after all we do so much for our kids and support them, while giving them unconditional love no matter what, I understand your feelings are hurt but maybe the less you dwell on it, the sooner he will figure out your serious about your decision and realize you really do need his support.

 

Great input! Thanks so much!

My sons are 23 and 24 years old. When i started talking about looking into this surgery they expressed how they didnt like it. But as things progressed i involved them in every way possible.I was honest about everything because they are old enough to know. They were really upset about the mortality rate, but i showed them all the info from the clinic and on line studies and that helped.And they watched as i prepared myself for this surgery and how hard i worked . My youngest son was there for my surgery and Dr Hagan talked to us before surgery and spoke with him after as well. And my son Michael told me  that he was glad that he met my surgeon . The thing i find that happens is our kids are just SCARED of the unknown. We are their parent and it really scares some of them. My oldest was very vocal and wished i could lose the weight on my own , and the closer it got to my surgery date i seen him worry more. So i think this is coming so close to you having your surgery its becoming a reality to your son and hes scared. Give him time and i am sure he will come around with more support for you. Just make sure he knows this is your chance at a healthy life. I told my boys if they want me here for years to come and be healthy and happy then this is what i need to do for me and them...I wish you well and i hope he in the end he understands you need this....Krista..

I had exactly the same response from both my adult kids (28 & 30) and my mother.  Three separate conversations all trying to  convince me not  to have surgery and  just do it on my own (again)!   I was also very upset  but found wonderful support on this board.  I did  have a very supportive husband as well so that really helped.  I realized that they were all very worried for me and came from a place of love but I decided that it was more important to my health to continue with the process in a positive and determined manner. Took my mother along to a couple of support meetings, some wonderful success stories there but didn't actually help much...she stayed apprehensive until I was out of surgery and recovering at home.

I have absolutely no regrets and all of my family members are very much on side now and continuously tell me how wonderful I am doing and looking and how much better I am overall healthwise.  Love my RNY!

He's not allowed an opinion? How he feels about it doesn't have to have any effect on your decision making but you should support him having thoughts about the people in his life. Let him make his case and then choose to find other things to talk about. You should understand that he loves hi mom and cares about you, thus has some fear of losing you to this rather risky surgery. It doesn't have to affect your choices but you should consider the source of his concerns and the place it comes from. 

Imagine if he didn't care one way or the other and simply asked you to not bother him with the details of your life.

His genuine concern is certainly much better than most 21-year-olds' self-absorbed shrugs and "meh" about their Mom's lives.

 

One way to assuage his concerns might be to point out that the chances of your dying or becoming permanently disabled from the effects of your obesity (stroke, cardiac arrest, joint destruction ... etc.) are pretty well 100%

You WILL die eventually from obesity - that is a fact. You may be a healthy fat girl with a body image issue now, but the health trouble WILL come.

 

Compare that to a (what ...?) 1 in 200 chance something MIGHT happen during anaesthetic, and a 1 in 2000 chance that you might have a complicated recovery ... pretty good odds, I'd say.

(Hope I'm right about those numbers .. it's been while since I looked them up)

Hi all, 

Yes. I'll ease up on him and let him express his concerns. He's a good guy who has a tendency towards worry. I guess that I thought I had convinced him but I guess as the whole thing becomes more real he's having "second thoughts".

Thanks for your input, everyone!

Jennifer