Ever just want to give up????

Today very much felt like a give up on OH kind of day. These stupid DS posts really drive me up the wall. Like I really need some jerk telling me I have a diet and scar or Im ruined and why. I always end up being super vocal on those topics when someone starts trashing RNY. I LOVE MY RNY. I can say it a million times but to truely GET how much I love it here goes:

I am a bipolar antisocial agrophobic. I am heavily medicated but while I was super obese all of the medication in the world wouldnt make me high on life outside of my controlled habitat.

I dont work, hubby and I are not rich. The NB medicare wait list for a surgical consult for wls is 2 - 5 years. The surgery wait is 5 - 7 years. We decided that the probablility of me living to see the consult or surgery was too low to chance it. We got a loan and emptied our savings to pay the $20,000 for private surgery, accomodations and travel.

For my consult appointment my husband and I took the bus to Montreal. At the time I owned no clothing that would fit me so I wore skin tight black PJ pants that say dream university all over them and a hand stretched size 5x black Tshirt which I wore for the entire trip. Hubby was 6'3 and 240 pounds, I was 5'6 and 327. To say the 11 hours on the bus was uncomfortable would qualify as understatement of the year. I was fasting for blood work so I spent the 11 hours awake without food or drink. In order to not desperately have something I wasnt allowed I stayed in my seat the entire time. Its a wonder I didnt get a blood clot :P

Upon arriving in Montreal at 6am we walked 1 block to the holel, I thought I was going to die from the effort, seriously, 1 block felt then like 10 miles would feel now. We got settled in and had a little rest before catching a cab to my first appointment. I met with a GP who did my full medical history, took blood samples, and an ekg/ecg (one of those heart thingies) We paid up at the office and grabbed a cab to the next appointment at my surgeons office. Met the surgeon face to face, we had been emailing for a while. He gave me the usual run down, which I already knew, gave me a chance to ask any questions and did my offical weigh in that I still go by as my highest weight, only because it was my highest recorded weight. So now it was 1130am and we stopped to eat woohoo!! I was starving. Then straight back to more appointments. I spent 5 hours total at a clinic that did my nutritional info session, a meeting with a trainer and the mental evaluation. Left them at shortly after 5 with my 4 cases of optifast and back to the hotel with hubby. We ordered in pizza, gorged and went to SLEEP. That was a long day! Back up at 430am to catch that 11 hour bus back home, at least I could eat on it this time ;)

So I went back home for 3 weeks. On September the 18th hubby drove me to the airport, my first flight EVER. I did my kiss goodbye wondering if it were my last kiss. I got aboard the 40 seater plane and soon discovered I didnt fit in the seat belt nor did the flight attendant offer an extension. There were only 40 of us you would think she might be kind and offer, nope. I was too ashamed to ask for help so I spent my first flight unhooked and wondering if I would live long enough to die on the operating table.

There I was, an english woman in a French city, all alone in my pj's again. To describe the mental torment at this moment is beyond me. If you have been there you know what I mean. You know the torturous shame, fear and pain running through your head at lightning speed questioning every insane aspect to the decision about to be made.

I survived the flight, the terminal, not as easy. Of course my entry was the furthest point out from the airport entrance. It took me about 45 minutes to get from the plane to the front door. I walked very slowly at the time, it felt like a 26 mile marathon to me and I was ready to collapse crying about 10 minutes into it. Luckily I have a major fear of crying in front of people so I kept on going.I finally made it to the entrance, grabbed a cab and went to my hotel. I fought my cravings for about 30seconds before picking up the phone to order pizza. I gorged, like I always did when stressed. Then I vomitted up as much as I could, not something I normally did but it wasnt ever beneath me either. I drank a 2 liter of diet coke in hopes of washing away all of the left over evidence of food in my tummy. I spent most of the night awake afraid I wouldnt wake up in time for surgery. I slept in my clothes with my bags all packed so I could just get up and go the second the clock turned 6am.

I went to the hospital alone, I checked in, I disrobed, I talked to the anestesiologist and then I walked to the OR. This was the last chance to back out. I really wanted to. I knew I couldnt but man I sooo wanted to. My mind had been racing for 3 weeks and now it was finally quiet. It was a good sign really. I was intubated twice while awake due to the enormous size of my neck. I was a tight 20" around my neck on surgery day! Im their worst nightmare for intubation. I can now add intubation to my very long list of fears, at least this one isnt irrational.

After surgery it was all down hill. Luckily I have had many surgeries so nothing beyond this point was suprising to me. I expected the pain, grogginess, stiffness, sorenes, difficulty breathing etc. All in all it wasn't as bad as at least one of my previous surgeries. I spent 3 days in the hospital alone, no visitors and just phone calls from my sister and hubby once a day. On the thrid day my sisters inlaws who live in Montreal picked me up (to say that was strange would be second running for understatement of the year since I had only met them once before.) They took me home and I stayed for 5 days recovering before taking that miserable 45 minute walk of shame to the plane ride home.

Im deliberately trying not to be emotional in this post for the sake of making it less than a 5000 word essay ;) Suffice to say I went through A LOT to get this surgery. I overcame a dozen obsticles with strength I didnt believe I had. I endured some of my personal worst fears to get this surgery. So when people like to think Im somehow lesser or pathetic for doing everything I have done I get defensive.I LOVE MY RNY. I dont need to brag about my progress. I dont need to feel superiour to those not doing as well as I for any reason. I dont need proof RNY is awesome because I live it everyday! So anyone who doubts RNY's greatness can literally kiss my boney ass!!

Whew!! Feels good to get that off of my chest :P

Dont ever doubt the greatness of RNY just because a few jerks want to stir up trouble. Enjoy and appreciate your new life for what it is!

Big HUGS PK (not plumpy!!)

hey kitty!    We need bumper stickers that say "RNY gives you a new life!" You are an inspiration!  

LOL Im totally considering getting a few friends and I tshirts that say I  My RNY Thank you for your support :) BIG HUGS PK

Words cannot express the thanks for sharing your journey with us.  Thanks, you are an inspiration to all.  Hugs Michele

Thank you Michelle  *Muah!* HUGS PK

PK - I am so glad you decided to tell your story.  You are so brave.  I've spent too much time hiding in denial, your bravery is inspiring.  Those of us on this board who are looking for answers and need encouragement will be blessed by you.

Thank you Vicki! I truly cant imagine the impact of such hurtful statements on pre ops and new post ops. I dont know who Im angrier for, you guys or me. Whatever surgery you are getting, for whatever reasons, you do not need this added stress on top of everything else you are going through! If you need a shoulder mine are much smaller but still strong ;) HUGS PK

You are a brave and remarkable woman to have faced all that you did and come out so positive.  I am only 2 weeks out, but I hope to do as well as you have!

Thank you Dawn :) You're well on your way and it only gets better (but I will warn you it gets worse first) just know you always have people on OH who understand your struggles!  Its hard not to be positive when my life has changed so much for the better. If every pre/new op here only gets a fraction of what I gotten out of RNY have they will feel nothing short of great!  Big Hugs!! PK

Honey, I've lived through more drama on OH than anyone should. There are plenty of days I think I should leave, but then I think about all of the PMs I get from people just starting their journey, behind me in their journey or even one person who's further out than me that tell me that my story gives them hope. And because of that, I know the only way that I can pay it forward it to stick around. You've done amazing. Don't let others talk trash about the decision you made for your health. Everyone chose their procedure for a reason. You're succeeding fabulously with your RNY, so keep it up! Remember, living well is always the best revenge against miserable, negative people.