I don't like me much tonight.

   For 45+ years I've been fat.  For 45+ years, I've dieted--lost--gained ++.  You all know the cycle.  My surgery (Feb. 7, 2011) is forcing me to face unpleasant truths about myself.  I have (and do) sabatoge my own success over and over!  My weight loss has diminished to a miniscule 2#'s in 3 weeks, and I am feeling so sorry for myself.  I prefer to think that it is "something" that is causing the slow down, but----:(   it is MY fault! 
   I was warned that my "head games" would continue after the surgery, but I was so fastidious about following instructions EXACTLY pre-op that I was absolutely certain that it wouldn't happen to ME!!!  Well, you guessed it; the old head games are bedeviling me again.  I.E. "just one bite of that left over goulash I made for the husband won't make a difference," or "an extra snack or two won't hurt--at least they are healthy snacks!"  Or then there's the, "I deserve a spoonful of ice-cream!  I've been so good today!"  Again, there's the, "Oh, I'll just do 15 minutes on the treadmill--that ought to be enough."  I think most damaging is, "I can't stomach those protein shakes, so I'll just not do them and try to make up the  shortage of protein with something else.  I know I can do that--I'm smart enough to come up with an alternative!"  HA!  NOT! 
    I've come to the realization that I am an egotistical, self-centered, arrogant twit that believes it should be easier for me because I'm such a "special" person!!!  
    I don't like me very much tonight.  As much as I wanted my surgery to be the 'magic bullet,' and as much as I believed that I deserved that magic bullet, I have to accept that it is not and I do not.  There is still a "me" in the success equation.
   You know, now that I've put these truths into words, I guess I'm supposed to do something about them.
   But first, I'll just feel sorry for my "special self" a little bit longer.  Oh, wait!  I forgot.  You're only allowed 15 minutes on the pity pot then you get ring around the butt!!!
   So, tomorrow morning, this not special, very ordinary woman will pick my pitiful self up and take responsibility for my actions.  
  
 

Good for you! You got the talking part done. Now you just gotta walk the talk. You can do it. You understand what has to happen. Now just put it into actions.

When I trieed to diet for most of my life, it seemed as though there should be a self-loathing component. Like I should hate me fat so much that it will make me change and get thin and acceptable to my fat-hating self.

I gave up on diets, because I liked LIKING MYSELF too much to go there again.

When I started thinking, yet again, about dieting... that was my roadblock... I liked myself too much to hate myself.

I looked into WLS, found OH, and found that this is not a process of self-loathing... this is a self-empowerment... and yes, part of it is figuring out our weaknesses..... but then we should EMBRACE the knowlege of what makes us weak, and be glad about thne knowledge that will give us power to be strong and overcome those very same weaknesses.

Be kind to yourself. Accept knowlege of weakness as a step towards strength.

You are Human, and it took a stronge woman to face her struggle and  to write it down... i felt i was reading an entry in my own journal.  You're not alone,  we are all here, thousands of us, some days we have questions, other days we just sit and read blogs, but i can guarantee you that everyday you will also read someone elses struggle.  We are here to help one another.

be stronge my friend, we love you and are here for you.

Maria  XOXO

First, I hope you are getting therapy. My therapist who I see twice a week (!) told me those little voices are called "introjections" or "introjects" and they are very powerful. The same ones telling you do it do it DO IT, to eat that, or not to move are telling you that you are bad and deficient as a human in some way because you give in. You play this game with yourself because it SERVES you in some way. You have to find out how and why. Beating on yourself will not help yourself so put DOWN the bat lady! You must love yourself enough to do this, and for us all this is so easy to say, hard to do. Look up introjects, look up a therapist, look up an OA meeting and go. You don't have to say anything to anyone if you don't Want to. You need help, not self loathing. You WILL lose weight by the way. You WILL. This is happening!

Wow. What a powerful post. I could have easily written something similar myself, although probably not as eloquently.

Don't even know what to say really, certainly I don't have the magic bullet. But I do like what another poster said about putting down the bat. You've accepted where you are. Now the hard part is to start taking steps, maybe even small ones, forward.

Someone on OH helped me a lot when they posted about doing one thing today that will make a better tomorrow. I use that almost every day now and it has really been an encouragement.

We're all rooting for you. You can do it. You just have to reach deep inside yourself to the strong healthy you that wants to really live, and listen to THAT voice.

Please keep posting and let us know how it's going.

 You are human and just not changing overnight.  I went into surgery with all or nothing mindset.  Never cheated, drank all my shakes, did my treadmill, and quickly and easily lost and maintained my weight.

Everyone is different.  You are making this much harder than it needs to be.  Send me a personal message and I will give you support to get this done.  I know some things that will make  this a lot easier for you.

I just want to point out that since you said you had your surgery just 6 weeks ago that you are more than likely also experiencing a routine stall.  At this stage of the game you can't possibly eat enough to make the scale stop.  Yes you need to start get your head around your eating issues now while you're early out but the small weight loss is just your body adjusting to being rearranged.  It happens to many many people.  There will likely be several stalls you experience over the course of the next couple of years no matter how closely you stick to your eating plan.  Those stalls do not make you a bad person.

The farther out I get, the more I fear old habits returning. I am thinking of trying counseling for it. Sometimes I feel completely powerless to say "no". Yesterday a co worker who just had a new baby brought chocolate cigars in to share. I started telling myself I wasn't going to have one. I had one. My victory was though, that I didn't have 3, like the oatmeal cookies someone brought in the other day. It was like they were a magnet and I absolutely couldn't stop going back for another one. Then I felt so guilty for having them. I know if I don't get control of that behavior I could be doomed to be obese forever. Sigh......you are not alone.