My Mind - I am afraid. (forgive the length)

It seems my mind believes it is hungry and deprvived of those tasty treats that we used to consume in large quantities. 

My surgery was on the 11th, so I am not even two weeks out.  I was released a little early by my nurse practitioner to start trying pureed foods and those are working out fine.  I've had some pureed vegetable beef soup, cottage cheese, and even some low-fat/organic chili.  The oddest part is that I am not hungry nor do I have a stronge sensation of being full.  I don't hurt nor do I get naseated - I am not sure I feel anything really ... at some point there I have a big sigh and stop.  I have been measuring 1/4 cup pureed soup and a 1/4 cup cottage cheese and it takes me about a half hour to eat.  The chili is different.  I was only able to eat a 1/4 cup total between the cottage cheese and chili before the big sigh. 

Why I post though is that my mind really believes we should be eating.  My mind daydreams about when we can eat those things that got us in this perdicament to start with.  I had a dream this afternoon about eating a handful of Fruit Loops before realizing what I was doing.  (I know, I surely could of come up with something better than Fruit Loops right?)

My mind also says that becuase my pouch does not seem to be behaving like everyone else's that I am surely broken and this is going to be a big failure, naturally.  I also had not weighed since the surgery until today, because my mind said I wouldn't be happy with the results.  This time, the mind was right.  I am down 8 lbs, and that just isn't good enough ... I'm not sure what would have been, but that surely wasn't it.  Please keep in mind that I have about 100 lbs to lose, and I knew going in that I wouldn't see a gigantic drop in the beginning ....

My mind and the voices that live within seem to haunt and taunt me, and while I am in therapy and work very hard with my deamons ... may I just say that I am afraid.  

I am afraid that my pouch is broken or will not work.
I am afraind that I won't get the necessary pieces in place in time ( I've always struggled with the idea of exersize and try very diligiently to convince myself I don't have to ... that is a lie, I know)
I am afraid that I will fail
I am afraid that the minute I think I can, I'll shove pizza in my mouth
I am afraid that I won't find something different to do in the place of eating
I am afraid I am not dedicated enough

and if truth be told .... I feel very alone.  big sigh ... (not to be confused with the "full" big sigh)  

thanks for reading ...

My pouch was a happy pouch too--I honestly think the majority are! And as for the pizza--I did thin crust about 2-3 months out--and now SOMETIMES I can tolerate ONE slice of regular crust. Not tonight though, I PRAYED I could throw it up and feel better! It's also frustrating that some days my pouch will like something and the next day it won't. We've ALL had those days! As for the exercise--I don't--and yet I'm down 120 pounds! I DO move more now than I did before, and will likely attempt exercise soon but the thing is to make it FUN for YOU. Not to mention you're in the middle of the "what the hell did I do?" phase, you'll feel better in a few weeks as your body gets used to the new way of eating. HUGS

I just want you to know that all the questions and the feelings you are having are very normal. It is very good to quit eating when you have the sigh that is how i learned when i was full at first I really didint know if I was full but that was my sign to stop eating and push the food away. I am 2 months and 2 weeks post-op and still cant eat all of my food. I eat my protein first and then my veggie and grain/fruit depending on the meal. Usually I dont get the fruit/grain. Now I can tell when I am getting full. My mind would look at what I was eating and make me think it was not enough. So I had to trick my mind I use little plates (like a saucer) to put my food on and my mind see it as more. 

I wish you the best of luck!!!

You are NOT alone in any of those feelings. I too am afraid ... all those things. I also am afraid because I know I have had no issues with testing with sugar, a little taste of chocolate, or a gummy bear... No reaction no dumping no nothing negative. I was hoping, as with most RNY patients, that I would not be able to eat sugar without  dumping, so I wont eat sugar. But I think I'm going to have to rely on sheer will power, and, THAT is scary. I have only lost about 10 pounds in almost 3 weeks, and I don't think that is good enough either, but I have been told by many forum regulars that it's normal. I know, though, that I wont be happy til that scale starts moving again! Hang in there, we're all in this together!

Unfortunately, MOST RNY patients do NOT dump on sugar I was praying I would be in the minority, but so far I've avoided REALLY testing it....  And early out you're still holding onto a LOT of fluids that they pumped you with in the hospital, you'll see that scale move SOON!

Hey girl, you are not alone and there is nothing "wrong" with your pouch. Just because you, like me, have had no problems after surgery and no problems with eating or drinking anything, doesn't mean your broken. I was able to take regular swallows of drink the day after i got out of the hospital. I was able to eat oatmeal and some mushed up potatoes while only a week out. I had no problems. And still don't. Consider us lucky. No, not lucky, but normal. There are plenty of people who have had WLS that don't have any problems what so ever.

Now that I am a little further out I am supposed to be eating more solids, by my surgeons recommendation, but I just don't do so well with some of them. I haven't dumped and the only times I've had something stuck was my own doing by not chewing properly. I have no mystery pains. I do have some constipation, but I've gotten that in check now too.

Your head, like many other people's, is playing games with you. It's called head hunger. I even know of some people who said they woke up out of a dream chewing on a finger dreaming it was food!! Our head trips can be really hard to deal with. I hate when people say this all the time, but now you have a tool to help you learn to cope with the head hunger. Especially now when you don't really physically feel any hunger. Most people's real hunger comes back after a while. So fight the good fight now!! Get a counselor or therapist if you think you should. There are lots of them out there that specialize in food related issues.

Good luck to you and if you ever wanna talk, just lemme know!! You can do this!!

You're not alone.  And it's not unusual to be afraid.  Do you go to a support group?  Do you have a therapist?  Those things would probably be helpful for you.

I see lots of people post about being worried that their pouch is broken because they don't get sick when they eat.  Your pouch is not broken.  You're just not having any complications.  That's a good thing.  Getting sick is not a sign that someone's pouch is working - it's a complication.  Not an unusual one, not necessary a sign of something really bad wrong, but a complication.  Not a good thing.

Keep telling your mind that you're eating what you need to in order to survive right now and that in time you'll be able to eat more.  You know, you got to be 100 pounds overweight because your mind was mixed up about what and how much to eat, right?  So start teaching it about nutrition.

I for one am not sure we ever get over that feeling. I found that if I thought too much about the various issues I would feel completely overwhelmed and just shut down. I decided to tackle one issue at a time and the main one was creating an exercise program that I would actually enjoy. Trust me....at 375 pounds it's not easy to do much of anything. I started with a Wii Program...Walk it Out. I did it faithfully at least 5 days a week and began to enjoy it. I now have a mini trampoline, a stepercise platform, a gazelle and a glider and have created my own little routine. The only item that I purchased was the mini trampoline....the others I was able to get dirt cheap through craigslist. Now with the warmer weather I'll get out on my bike. I am proud to say that I am down 91 pounds  have lost over 20", and instead of wearing a 34-36 I now wear 26-28. My joints feel better, no more sleep apnea, will be going off of my blood pressure meds soon and I have a whole new lease on life! I just decided that for me it has to be not a weekly or daily choice, but rather an hourly one. Good Luck!

Thank you so much to everyone.  It's such a good feeling to not be alone .... It's an interesting change to say the least, and while I've not been complication free per say, I am grateful to have a normal working pouch.  Thank you all again!! 

Merlinda