Have you become a divorce statistic--please share...

Thank you sweetie. Relationships are so complicated to begin with, then you start throwing in issues of  self-esteem, self-worth, unmet needs that didn't become glaring until we starting thinking we were finally deserving of better treatment, communication issues between two people when one (or both in the case of a couple that both have surgery) have not even fully figured out how or where they fit in the world--the list goes on and on.

But like you, I have children and do not want to become a statistic. I am NOT a believer in staying together for children if there is a venomous nature to the communication in the marriage--that is no good for anyone and the kids are not being given good lessons in the types of relationships they should seek out if couples are toxic to one another, but it is so tricky to know what is right to do.

So far we are 3 for 3...anyone else? Give me some hope people!!! 

My girlfriend of 7 years started our attempts to get wls about 5 years ago. I was a big guy when i met my girlfriend and she was also overweight. We share food through out our relationship. I finally was approved for my surgery in Dec 2010 and had my surgery in Feb 2011. We had great times and no so great times before the surgery. After I had my surgery, anytime we spoke about my successes or her inability to get the surgery it started to become an issue between us and it almost led to the end of our relationship. Plus, when I had my surgery, I feel like it changed me and It also took way our habit of sharing our love of foods. So we adjusted, but things got better for us, my girlfriend finally got her approval and had her surgery on July 12. So, we finally have something new to share. I do believe that the wls can be the end of a relationship or marriage for alot of us, but for most people, it wasn't the only issue we had in our relationships before we all became wls patients....  but, seems like the wls is getting the blame for being the last straw.

I think you are absolutely right that often there are pre-existing issues. In my case, a medication I was taking threw me into an emotional state that I've never experienced before that led to some issues for us. Granted, his response to those issues was pretty much as bad as it could have been, so that didn't help a thing.

I think that the reason the WLS is such a glaring issue is because we all change so very much and I think if truth be told, many of us now have the strength and confidence to leave when we would not have before. For me, I know that prior to surgery I would have been terrified of a breakup--how could I raise my girls alone when I could barely get out of bed, who would ever want me again, and how in the hell would I ever support myself in the physical condition I was in. Those are things that cripple people into staying in unhealthy relationships, although my relationship was not one I wanted to get out prior to my surgery. Sure I had my days, like most, but it wasn't until after the surgery that things took an unpleasant turn.

I hope your girlfriend's surgery will allow for peace for the both of you. Continued success to you!

Minus the alcoholic part of it I think in about a year I could probably copy and paste your reply as my own. Three years of therapy and begging to communicate. Probably should have been divorced three or four years ago. I'm finishing nursing school in nine months. Hes been on the "two year plan" since I started and as I look at things...nothings changed. I never believed in divorce, never wanted it for my children or myself. I'm making positive changes in my life and as that happens we grow further apart because he refuses to make changes in himself. Been together since we were 13 and 15 and are in our mid 30's now but I've got to stop holding on to all the years and think of all the years ahead. It totally sucks, but the part about it that I think pertains to WLS is that I've probably been stuffing my face to hide my pain and emotions and now that I can't do that...well lets just say Im not sure we will finish the year together.....

Hate to be a statistic but who knows!

My husband is my greatest cheerleader and biggest support in this whole WLS journey.  I would venture a guess that there were signs of an unhealthy marriage before WLS in most cases of divorce after WLS.  A woman in my post-WLS counseling group is, I believe, heading for a split (long-term boyfriend, not husband), but she is quite honest about the fact that their relationship has been troubled for a long time and he is having difficulty adjusting to the changes in her.

I'm not going to try to convince anyone that our marriage is perfect as I don't believe such a thing exists, but we have always had a strong marriage with healthy communication, and I don't expect that to change with my weight loss. 

The only other person I know who has had the surgery besides myself is my cousin, and she met her husband during WLS groups, they married after surgery, got thin together and then divorced. They both regained all their weight as singles after the divorce.

I was in a long term live-in relationship for 3 years before my surgery and I broke it off a week before my surgery because I realized that the stress of that relationship was contributing to my emotional eating. I didn't want that stress to sabotage my succesful recovery so I ended it. We have since been trying to work on things. I am in a much better place emotionally and better equipped to enforce boundaries. I don't know where that will lead us but if it's not a positive place, I'm jumping ship again. And it had nothing to do with the weight loss, because I had not lost any weight yet when I ended it.

I'm afraid I can't add anything positive to your statistics : /

I was divorced long before I had WLS.  However, I met my current husband after my divorce and he knew me at all different sizes....as a matter of fact, I was close to my highest weight when we married.  He has never had a fat day in his life, and doesn't understand obesity as no one around him (before me) was really obese.

We are best friends, and he is my biggest supporter.  We hike, run and work out together.  He does joke that I'm too active and he'll leave me for a "fat girl"  so he can just sit and watch TV, but he is really only joking.  The only thing that changed in my relationship is the amount of space I take up in the bed. 

I also did not have self esteem issues before surgery....I really did think I was pretty and worthy.  Hell, I probably think too much of myself!  Always have!

So, after 2 years post surgery and 14 years together, we are still going strong!!

Kim

I was not married but was in a serious long-term relationship that became a casualty.  I will say, however, that what I ahve foudn with my cleints I also found to be true in MY relationship... the WLS and the weight loss itself was not the CAUSE of the split... all the WLS did was "push me over the edge" when i was already sitting on the fence about the viability of it as a permanent relationship.  The problems with the relationship were already there... I was just less inclined to endure them after surgery... part of the "I want my life back" process.

I will say, though, that where I differ from some others is that I did not end my relationship because I thought I could "do better" as a thin person.  On the contrary, I don't think I'll ever get married.  I would LIKE to, but I just don;t see it happening.

Lora

Lora, having read your many excellent posts over the years, I really think you're selling yourself short.  You don't see it happening?  I can completely see it happening for you.  You have a great deal to offer - never say never. :)

Lora,

I have to agree with Karen.  Don't sell yourself short, you have A LOT to offer a companion.