My body is my enemy!!

Thank you!!!

I find your post very helpful, not confrontational: I agree about keeping up with the food consumption. I use Sparkpeople but will look at myfitnesspal. My husband is here with me 24/7 since he became disabled due to cancer. I feel that stress and cortisol have played a large part in my weight gain, I have become a chronic dieter and dieted myself up to 236lbs. As for the 2nd part, that is much harder than facing a journal or wraping my mind around the fact that I don't exercise enough or that I eat more than I believe I am. I am glad to know that am not the only person on here that has felt at war with my body. I did love my body until I gained 120 lbs. I am having a hard time loving myself at this weight, mainly because I cannot go on my son's field trips, work in my garden, dance with my husband, hike and ski with our friends, etc., etc.,etc.,. I want to feel good again, I ache in every fifer of my being. All my joints hurt. Yes I feel that my body hates me. Not sure that a psychologist could even help. But I will try to follow you advice. You sound like a very knowledgeable person . Thank you for your response,

Going to look on Amazon now for the book. Thanks again

I'd actually say that the majority of folks aound here has struggled with hating their body / feeling like your body hates them. At my highest weight I was 415 pounds. I could hardly tie my shoes, was always afraid of falling and hurting myself (it had happened a number of times) and couldn't walk a block without major pain. I was afraid to leave the house. I remember not only hating my body, and feeling like it was traitorous, but feeling a desire to hurt it back somehow. I wasn't suicidal and never did anything self-harming to my body (except eat too much and give up on it). But I remember getting so frustrated and angry and alienated from my body that I wanted to punch it. Once I even had a terrible dream where I used an electric knife to cut my stomach off slice by slice (Gross, I know). 

Last August I decided to proceed with the surgery. Someone on here recommended I read Women Food and God. I did so, in the same week I met the surgeon and began to try and lose weight before the surgery. I made a concious decision to start getting rid of the war. I knew deep down in my heart of hearts that to be successful, I would have to partner with my body and put an end to it. once I started working with my program's staff, I started thinking of my weight as a medical issue (rather than a failure of character), Every time I would start to get frustrated, or in pain, or afraid, or self-loathing, I would use compassion: I'd ask myself things like "If your best friend or your mother was struggling in this exact way, would you let anybody talk to her the way you are talking to yourself right now? How would you want her to be treated? What would you say to her?"

And I was shocked at how quickly my behaviour changed. I was shocked at how *easy* it was (for me) to turn over a lifetime of attacking myself and learn how to hold my own hand, and pat myself on the back and talk to myself encouragingly. And the weight started to come off. I lost 55 pounds before surgery, despite a few last supper freakouts along the way, and I credit this change first - and measuring not just my food but all of the ingredients going into my food second, for getting me off on that right foot. Almost a year later, I feel like I am at one with myself, friends with myself even... imagine that. And to think... I feel that way with 30 pounds more on my body than you have right now, plus an ocean of loose skin, and dissappearing breasts and the *whole lot* of me. Me and my body we work together now, and nobody's ever going to tear us apart again.

:) Best to you!

Thank you everyone who took their time to reply. I am excited but scared. I have a husband with a terminal illenss and a 15 yr. old son I want to be there for. I want my health back. I want to able to climb steps, fit in seats, go on school trips, etc. I feel trapped in a this body. Maybe I should'nt look at it as my body is my enemy. But no matter how I try, I feel that  my body just keeps getting bigger and bigger and my health just keeps getting worse and worse. I know everyone must have some fears or we would not be human. My surgeon is waiting on my labs and sleep study to be completed and I have procastinated. He told me at our consult that he would do my surgery that week if he was'nt going on vacation. My journey to the other side of obeisty will begin soon. I am up for the journey but still have norman fears.

Thank you again everyone.