OT: Judged for not wanting a baby

 I apologize in advance if this is a little muddled.  I am an OB nurse.  I deal with women having babies day in and day out.  I love my job, and love the fact that babies make lots of couples happy, but it's never been something I've wanted for myself.  I see the downside and all the trauma that happens and I just don't want a child.  I love other peoples kids but like the fact that they don't come home with me.  My co-workers are constantly asking when my husband and I will have a baby, and I say probably not anytime soon.  Well tonight my husband and I were watching some tv and this couple with kids was on.  And out of nowhere my husband told me that if I don't eventually want to have a baby we probably won't stay together. That kids are something he wants in the next few years.. I am stunned because I've always been upfront about my not wanting any kids.  And now he doesn't understand why I don't feel like talking anymore.  Is this normal?  I feel like if I don't pop out a kid I'm going to have to go through a divorce or something.  It's basically a lose lose situation for me.... Anyone else had a similar situation??

Wow, what a surprise for you!  And what a cruel ultimatum for him to make. 

I vote for marriage counseling asap.  Clearly this is a serious issue for both of you, respecting each other's opinions is one of the hardest parts of marriage....isn't it!?

Good luck! 

Sara (no kids, no regrets)

So sorry you have this situation....I am not a kid person and my husband and I discussed this prior to being married.   He felt the same way.  It is very important not to have kids for someone else.  It will not be good for the child.  One of the best things you can do is realize who you are.  Not everyone should have children - it just is that way.  This is a big decision that will affect you for years to come.  Maybe a third party (a counselor) would help.
Good luck.

 Thank you so much for your responses.  The counseling thing is a good idea, and it may be something we can actually go and do.  I'm just feeling blindsided at the moment.   Thank you all again.  

Is what normal, not wanting to have kids?  It's not as coming as wanting kids, but I don't think it's abnormal or that there's anything wrong with it.

My partner and I do not want to have children.  We discussed that early in our relationship and both feel strongly about it.  His main reason is just that he likes being able to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it and not being constantly responsible for a little person.  Which I think is a perfectly valid reason, and it's honest.  I have several reasons, including that I am on antidepressants that could cause birth defects if taken during pregnancy but not taking them for nine months is simply not an option.  I also think the stress of having a newborn, including the lack of sleep, would be very bad for my mental health.

My partner got a vasectomy shortly after we moved in together because we both felt strongly about making sure there was no "accidentlal" pregnancy.  That was partly to simplify things for us but also partly because we disagreed about what should be done in the event that there was an accidental pregnancy.

I'm sorry your husband now says he won't want to stay together with kids.  If you've been up front about that issue all along, I don't know why he would have married you in the first place.  Maybe he was hoping you'd change your mind one day but to me, that's a big enough issue that even if you really love someone, it would be a reason not to get married.  What did he say before you got married?  That he wanted kids or didn't want them?

As far as your coworkers, unfortunately I think since having kids is very common in our culture, people find it a little odd when someone chooses not to have them.  I've had a few people seem surprised when I said I did not want kids.  I actually had a psychiatrist tell me he thought I should have a child so I wouldn't be lonely when I got old!

Isn't it odd that people think it's selfish to not have children?  How is that any more selfish than having children?  Wouldn't it be really selfish to have children you didn't really want just to look good to other people?

As we age, we change. A goal from when we were 20 or 25
just may not be the same when we're 30. If this is a deal
breaker for him, and you REALLY don't want children, then
it would be kinder to both of you to part while still
friends.

He could go on to find his new goals, and you
could find someone like Lora did who is happier without
children.

At least he isn't fooling around on you and has done you
the honor to tell you that his goals have changed.

I wish you both the very best.

I'm 60 and don't have children. Sometimes I now regret my choice, most times I don't. I do have 10 step-grandchildren, which is more than enough.

I hope you honor your choice, and get support in talking things through with your husband. Unfortunately minds change, especially around the big issues, even if you had an agreement before marriage. But I can understand why you feel blind-sided.

I hope you both give this some time, and get some couples counseling to help you both talk through your choices and come to a mutual resolution. There's no sense in fighting about it. All marriages come to major forks in the road, as I'm sure you know.

Look for the win/win- and it may not fit your pictures. But I agree with those above- do not have a child for someone else's sake or to save your marriage. That isn't fair to anyone.

I'm SO sorry you're going through this!  I am 47 and never had children nor do I want them or regret not having them.  I was infertile when I was young but never did anything about it or adopted because it just wasn't what I wanted.  I do not like being around children, except babies.  I have been judged for these feelings and have had bad things said to me.  My husband was always totally OK with it because he has children from a previous relationship.  I feel so sad for you that your husband has decided NOW that he wants kids even though you were up front with him about your feelings.  I would also suggest couseling so you can both talk and share your feelings in a safe environment.  I hope you can work through this.  Be true to yourself.  There is nothing wrong with the way you feel!  

Geez, I knew you were my girl!