Self Sabotage??

on 4/5/12 2:32 am - LA
 This weekend, I hit the lowest weight I have been in the last 10 years think once before in my adult life I have gotten a little lighter but not much.  I have about 10 to 20 pounds left to lose.  So close!! so, someone tell me why yesterday I managed to eat like 10 pieces of candy (I am talking the tiny pieces, not full size bars, that come in bags)??  Now this was over the whole day but I did feel it.  Yes, I am one of those ones who can tolerate sweets which has always been my weakness. 

So last night at group, I started talking about how when I have done this (it has happened before) I just feel so guilty, like I am failing.  then I started thinking--is is possible that I am sabotaging my self?  Could it be that I am afraid to be a healthy weight? My whole life I have been heavy, but I NEVER let it interfere with my life. I always did what I wanted to.  I dated, married, danced.  My reason for doing the surgery was mainly to get rid of my type two diabetes. I need to get inside my head and figure out why I am doing this why I am falling back on old habits and more importantly, how can I stop?! My subconscious may be scared of being at goal weight, but my conscious is scared of going back to 250 pounds (my highest ever weight).  

Early on after surgery, my group helped me figure out that I lost weight normally under stressful times.  it was a way to control my environment when all hell was breaking loose around me (at the time of both of my divorces). I gain weight when I am happy and content and life is perfect.  this is the first time ever that I am losing while happy in my life!! 

I am also dealing with people telling me I have "lost enough"!!  I don't think this is the factor causing me to slip up, but I don't know what is or even how to find out so I can stop it.  I made myself a promise to begin journalling again. I know what some of you will say,  that I never should have tasted the forbidden fruit.  but I have and I have to deal with that. 

If there is anyone who can give me some advise going forward or what has worked for them if they have found themselves in the same or similar situation, I would be grateful to read any and all comments


I'm Ready!
on 4/5/12 2:58 am
This is something I deal with as well.  For me I think it is a fear of failure.  I do it in several areas of my life.  As I get close to a goal I sabotage myself and quit.  That way if I don't make it then it is because I chose to give up rather than not being good enough.  For example, last fall I ran my first 5k.  I had been training for months but starting about 2 weeks before the race I had to force myself to run.  There was no reason for me not to do well.  I was prepared, but my fear was getting in the way.  Once again as I get close to my weight loss goal I find I am lacking in motivation.  I think it is that same fear of failure.  Recognizing why I do it is the first step.  Even if I am only going to the motions I force myself to eat well and go to the gym everyday.  I remind myself if I stop then not only will I fail, but the scale will start moving in the other direction and this will have been for nothing. 

I think journaling is a great way to get back on track.  You might also try journaling your thoughts so you can figure out why you are sabotaging yourself.

Good luck
Mary Catherine
on 4/5/12 3:00 am
 Continue losing and try to get twenty pounds under your goal weight.  Ignore the people who say you are too skinny. There is a bounce back period where you gain back about 20 pounds.  It is very rare fOr anyone to look too skinny by year three.  It is very common for them to start looking too heavy again.  Having a 20 pound cushion will really help when the body gets adjusted and starts gaining again.

As far as the forbidden foods, I eat everything in moderation.  Not having any forbidden foods makes it easier for me.  No cravings and no guilt.
on 4/6/12 6:02 am

on 4/5/12 3:07 am - Royal Oak, MI
I think you might benefit from some counseling. I've been doing that for a few months and it's really helped me sort some stuff out, especially where eating is concerned. 

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on 4/5/12 4:21 am - philadlephia, PA
moderation no deprivation. so, you had 10 yesterday. that's it for the week, or the month or whatever. sometimes telling yourself you cant have it or cant do it makes the forbidden that much better. if i let myself, i usually don't do as bad as if i felt i was cheating / sneaking after all i write my own rules so im not cheating anyone but me. you will be fine, and this too shall pass.

take care of you!
Be well, and always - take care of you!

Jennifer M.
on 4/5/12 4:39 am - MN
RNY on 02/17/12
 I think it's inevitable that you would have tasted the forbidden fruit.   I also think that it is self-sabotage to allow yourself access to trigger foods like candy.   

But it's one day.  The guilt is unreasonable in proportion to the crime.  Others have suggested counseling, and I don't see how that can hurt, but really... just stop it.  Stop the guilt, the deprivation and the fear of regaining on 10 pieces of candy.

It's not that you're any different from the rest of us... we all do this.  It's more like we all do this, and it's unhealthy.  :)

on 4/5/12 5:08 am - LA
thank you all.  I think Day Dream Believer is right. I think I am afraid of failing.  I am afraid I don't have what it takes to make this a permanent lifestyle change.  My parents always told me I was so hard on myself.  If I got a B in class, I would freak out.  My first F was devastating!! But it was ME, not them that put that on me. I turned out with a decent job I really do love, but I had to drop out of college due to pregnancy and never went back (unheard of back in 1978--putting your child in day care to go to school!) and I have really regretted that in my life.  My kids are great but even my daughter took a detour and I blamed myself for not being a better role model for her. (she is now a junior in college, doing wonderful. She is an inspiration for her kids!) Both my kids are overweight though and I feel like if I had done better, they would not be overweight and now struggling with health issues (son just diagnosed with type two diabetes). I am divorced twice. First one cheated on me, the second bamboozled me-was nothing like I thought he was.  I guess a part of me feels like I failed in that too, the first I should have done something different to make it better the second I should have read him better.  

I am so sorry to ramble but it is just flowing.  I am reading this and i know I can not blame myself but maybe I have been.  Wow, I guess I do need to talk to someone! One thing to say you deserve every good thing, another to truly believe it.  

Thank you thank you all for the insight.  I really need to work on myself!!

I'm Ready!
on 4/6/12 5:54 am

My goal weight is 128.  I have hit it a couple times then bounce off.  For about one year my weight stayed below 133, and I could eat off plan occasionally.  Then it changed and went to staying right below 135.  In the past half year it bounces to as much as 137...and I get really serious.

I have battled these last pounds 2 years.  In all honesty I have not been rigid.  I allow way too much in my diet because maintenance has been fairly easy.  Last week I finally got back down to 130.5.  What did I do...had brownies 2 days in a row, cookies one night, ate rice twice, potatoes, bread, chips and chicken fried steak. Then of course I get back on the scale and voila...137.  Okay...back to plan.  Today I was 132.5, again, simply by eliminating the processed carbs, simple carbs, and going back to eating lean meat, vegetables, protein shakes and yogurt. 

I  have this ongoing dialogue with my family and myself.  WHAT IS IT THAT AS SOON AS I APPROCH MY GOAL, I BACK OFF.  Am I afraid of success.  I left Law School in 1993 because of that.  That is one of my life's saddest failures.  I simply walked away.  I still have not gotten over that fully.  So what makes me sabotage myself.  Do I need the quest of the goal...I don't think that is it. Deep down do I feel I do not deserve it, probably.  Deep down will I still feel like a failure...after all I became obese in the first place.  Or do I subconsciously tell myself I can afford to "eat" that because I'm so close to goal so it won't huirt. 

I don't have an answer, but I contemplate this all the time.

Cicerogirl, The PhD

on 4/6/12 6:01 am - OH
Even though I am a counselor, and always carefully consider things like potential self-sabotage, etc., -- and always encourage personal insight in my clients --  sometimes a slip up is JUST a slip up and doesn't mean anything more than that.  


14 years out; 190 pounds lost, 165 pound loss maintained

You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.

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